The Quirks of Jim Kirk
by Dark Satirist
Summary: Jim Kirk has many quirks. Here are twenty-six completely unrelated, random, crackish insights to his life. Emphasis on crack. Contains some mild cursing, Spock logic, and McCoy's hyposprays.
1. Apples

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note: Some things before we begin. A) These will not relate to each other in any way unless I say so otherwise. For example, this one takes place at an undetermined time after Jim gets the _Enterprise_ while another one of these takes place back in the Academy. Understand? Okay. Good. B) I wrote these for a friend who needed some cheering up (even though she doesn't know I'm writing these for her) because she is going through a rough time. So these will more than likely be 100% pure crack with a little bit of Jim whumpage thrown in and Spock logic to temper the madness. C) These are unofficially beta'd by SezWho94, an amazing friend and person who just happens to be slightly crazy like me. And D) some of the following may not actually be from the new movie, but I didn't really want to have to make this a crossover with TOS, because it's really not. I will explain that more when we get to that one.**

**One more thing: There will be 26 chapters (possibly more). One with each letter of the alphabet as the title. This is probably really over done, but hey, I liked the general idea and some of these I don't think anyone will ever think of. I will explain that one more when I get to it. For now, just sit back, relax, and enjoy _The Quirks of Jim Kirk_.**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 1**

**Apples**

_In which Jim tries to explain his obsession with apples_

No one on the Enterprise is quite certain why their Captain likes apples so much. Not even Jim knows. He hates all other types of fruit, except for apples, which for some illogical reason, he loves. One day, someone decides to ask the crew of the Enterprise about it.

Bones thinks it is because Jim is going by the old adage _an apple a day keeps the doctor away_. Jim always replies that if that was true, it obviously wasn't working because a) Bones was still there and b) Jim always managed to get himself nearly killed on peaceful diplomatic missions.

Uhura thinks it's because apples are loud, juicy and obnoxious, very much like the Captain himself. Jim grins every time she says that and asks if the juicy part was some sort of invitation. She slaps him upside the head while the Vulcan in the far corner goes a strange shade of green and flat out refuses to talk to Jim for the rest of the day.

Scotty seems to think that Jim's apple fetish is like Scotty's own sandwich fetish—the simple lack of decent ones in space makes a man crave one that much harder. Jim points out that all apples taste the same, whether they're replicated or straight from the tree.

Chekov thinks it's because the Keptin is secretly a baseball player. He says that the apple is shaped similar to a baseball and that the Keptin is just waiting for an opportunity to break out his old jersey and start playing baseball again. Jim merely smiles and nods at Chekov's statement, while secretly making a mental note to make sure Bones checks out the young navigator for mental problems.

Sulu thinks it's because the Captain likes to be mysterious and apples have an air of mystery to them. No one is quite certain how to respond to _that_, so Jim mumbles something about a problem in engineering before darting off.

Spock is the only one on board who does not have a theory about Jim's illogical infatuation with apples. Jim says it's because the First Officer hates all apples in general for Jim just happened to be eating one during the simulation. Spock states that is illogical, that he does _not _under ANY circumstances, hold a grudge against an inanimate object and proceeds to site ways how it is unreasonable, while Jim gives him a shit-eating grin.

The apples mysteriously disappear off of all replicators after Spock's statement, though somehow, some way, Jim is always managing to eat an apple on the bridge.


	2. Brilliant

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note: I am overwhelmed by the response to this story. I have received more alerts on the first chapter of this story than I have on most of my other stories combined!Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and alerted this story! This next chapter is for you all! **

**Author's Note 2: I have through letter 'I' written. I will be updating on Tuesdays and Saturdays... so 'C' will be up on Tuesday! **

**Read and review, please!**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 2**

**Brilliant**

_In which the crew of the _Enterprise_ realizes that their Captain is a genius_

It was a little known fact to the members of the _Enterprise_ that they had a genius in their midst. Everyone knew that Jim was smart and chose to hide it, but very few people knew that Jim was a freaking genius. Those who did know debated whether it was possible if he was smarter than his first officer.

But that was beside the point, especially in the middle of what could spark an intergalactic war between the Federation and a species called Ugwanda. The Ugwanda were humanoid creatures that were incapable of logical thinking. They hated Spock and they weren't exactly a huge fan of Jim, either, because the Captain stopped the Ugwanda from killing Spock.

The _Enterprise_ had been called to the planet of Rh'ua'thre in order to create a peace treaty with the Ugwanda. Everything had been going okay until Spock had mentioned to the Captain that it was illogical for the Federation to reach a peace treaty with the Ugwanda because the Ugwanda was such a primitive race. Apparently, during diplomatic procedures, it wasn't a bright idea to call the race primitive. And also it wasn't a bright idea to bring a Vulcan to a planet where Vulcans were not welcome.

Now, the away team, which consisted of Jim, Spock, Bones, and Sulu were fleeing for their lives from the once peaceful proceedings. One of the Ugwanda had found a phaser and stared opening fire on the away team, forcing the party to run. They were now in the middle of a forest with only one phaser and no communicators with no way to beam back aboard the _Enterprise_.

Or at least, they thought they had no way to beam back aboard. Jim, who had somehow managed to dislocate his shoulder and save Sulu and Spock single handedly from a phaser blast in the same second, was currently dismantling their only weapon and swearing in some language that he shouldn't even know. The Ugwanda drew closer.

"Do you think it was a good idea to let our Captain at our only weapon?" Sulu asked, eyeing the enclosing group of Ugwanda.

"It's not like we have much of a choice now," Bones growled, looking at his friend in concern. Jim had had an allergic reaction to something he had ate seconds before everything had gone to hell. He had recovered slightly… but he still looked like death warmed over.

"Captain, it would be wise if you hurry in your endeavor to make a communications device," Spock said calmly, his face blank and emotionless as ever.

"Two more seconds, Spock," Jim said.

There was a spark, followed by more cursing in a language that Sulu and Bones recognized with distinct surprise as Vulcan.

"That is an improper use of education," Spock reprimanded mildly. "I estimate we have 1.48 seconds before the Ugwanda overrun us."

Jim swore again, more sparks flying as he connected two wires together. Suddenly, Scotty's anxious voice sounded through the former phaser.

"Beam us out of here, now!" Jim yelled, ignoring whatever the babbling Scott was trying to say. "NOW!"

There was a burst of phaser fire that seemed almost meaningless to the away team as gold light engulfed them.

"The Captain is fucking brilliant," Sulu said in awe as the_ Enterprise's_ transporter room materialized around them. "Brilliant."

With that, Jim collapsed his injuries and allergic reactions finally getting the best of him. "Damn it, Jim," Bones sighed before whisking him off to sick bay.

* * *

_**Next week's Quirk:** _Coffee, _in which Jim discovers that he is allergic to coffee. **Stay tuned for more crack!!**_


	3. Coffee

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! If I haven't responded to you personally yet, have no fear! I will. **

**Author's Note 2: Unfortunately, there's very little Spock in this, but don't worry, he will make an appearance in the next one. A very big appearance.**

**Author's Note 3: If you have anything in particular you would like me to write, I need a word starting with J and O. Tell me what you think! **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 3**

**Coffee**

_In Jim learns that he is allergic to coffee_

Coffee was one of the billion and one things Jim was allergic to, much to everyone's astonishment. He himself did not know that he was allergic to it until after he became captain of the _Enterprise_. He had never had a cup—Jim was one of those weird people who swore off all forms of caffeine—and really hadn't needed one until he worked four shifts in a row and needed something other than the boring water and apples that had been keeping him alive over the past twenty-four hours.

Jim blamed Sulu wholly for the incident which occurred after the _Enterprise's_ first ever official battle (the events with Nero not counted). A Klingon war vessel had attacked the _Enterprise_ near the Neutral Zone for whatever reason. Jim, who had been exhausted already by that point from the seemingly never ending paperwork and the fact that they hadn't had shore leave in over a year, didn't really remember how the events occurred. But he did remember that it was Sulu who suggested that Jim get a cup of coffee if the Captain was _that_ tired and had no desire to leave the bridge during the attack. Even Spock played some small role in it, deeming it logical that the Captain should find some way of staying awake, because no one could afford to take time to drag Jim off to sick bay (that was Jim's interpretation of Spock's raised eyebrow and otherwise neutral expression). Bones was up to his elbows in casualties that had resulted from the torpedo attacks and had no say in the matter.

So, Jim ordered his first ever cup of coffee from the replicator. He ordered it black reasons being lactose intolerant and already having eaten four candy bars and not really wanting to put himself in a sugar coma during a Klingon attack. Jim honestly tried to keep out of the sick bay, despite what certain doctors may think.

Jim had just taken his first sip when he knew that this one particular adventure was not going to end well. After having spent years being a juvenile delinquent and spending some time off planet during hard times, Jim learned to recognize the warning signs of impending danger. And this danger wasn't just the war hungry Klingons attacking the _Enterprise_.

As Jim continued to yell out instructions, he became distinctly aware of his throat becoming sore and itchy. Thinking it was because he was dehydrated, Jim drank more of the coffee. And more when his throat continued to hurt.

By the time the Klingons had surrendered to the _Enterprise_ and had agreed to be taken back to a Starfleet base for questioning and imprisonment, Jim had gone through two cups of coffee and had developed a beautiful splattering of red hives all over his body. He had also received two broken ribs and severe burns from spilling his coffee and being thrown forcefully out of his captain's chair by invading Klingons. Jim never did figure out how exactly two rogue Klingons managed to get onto the _Enterprise_ when the transporter beams had been the first thing to go on the war vessel.

After four long shifts, two cups of coffee, and mind boggling events, Jim decided that it was time to go to bed. The entire bridge crew sighed in relief as Jim turned command over to Spock and stood up. The sighs quickly turned into gasps of horror and a call to the sick bay when Jim passed out and knocked his head on the arm rest of the captain's chair.

* * *

"Damn it, Jim."

Jim swore mentally as he woke up to Bones' southern accented voice. He found himself in this position far too often for his liking.

"Wha' ppened?" he managed to get out. His throat was dry and raw. It felt as though someone had taken sandpaper to his mouth while he had been unconscious.

"You are allergic to coffee, that's what happened," Bones said, sounding incredulous. "How the hell didn't you know that you were allergic to coffee?"

"Never came up," Jim said, wincing as he sat up. He wondered if the sick bay walls were supposed to be spinning.

Bones let out a few choice swear words before jamming a hypospray into Jim's neck.

"OW!" Jim complained, rubbing his now sore neck.

"That's for your concussion, you idiot," Bones said. He jammed another hypospray into the Captain's neck, despite Jim's protest. "That's for your allergy to fucking _coffee_. And this," he paused for dramatic affect, which was ruined by Jim's squeal of pain, "is for your broken ribs and my headache."

"How is jabbing _me_ with pain killers going to help _you_ with your headache?" Jim asked.

"Don't be a smartass," Bones chided. He shook his head. "Only you, Jim, could be allergic to _coffee_. No one, and I mean _no one_ is allergic to coffee."

"It's Sulu's fault," Jim muttered.

"No, it's your fault, you medicinally challenged moron," Bones snapped back. "You have to go and be allergic to everything known to any race _and_ you have to be allergic to the damn antihistamines _and_ you have to go and get yourself injured on top of having a damn allergic reaction."

"Insulting me is not going to change things, Bones," Jim said, looking slightly put out. "And it's not _my fault_. I didn't know I was allergic to coffee."

"How could you not know?" Bones demanded.

"I've never had coffee before," Jim said with a shrug.

Bones looked absolutely floored.

"Never?" he asked.

"Never," Jim said.

"Then—you know what? I don't want to know," Bones said. He shook his head again. "Next you're going to be allergic to water. Good God, man, it's a miracle that you're still alive."

"I believe that it's my bubbly personality," Jim quipped. "When can I go back to duty?"

Bones had the _I am friends with a crazy idiot _and the _I'm-about-to-hypospray-you-and-sedate-you-until-next-year_ look on his face again. Jim sighed and resigned himself for the inevitable.

"I still can't believe you're allergic to _coffee_," was the last thing Jim heard before he sank back into unconsciousness.

* * *

_**Next week's Quirk:** _Drive, _in which Jim discovers that he cannot drive a stick shift. **Stay tuned for more crack!!**_


	4. Drive

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note: I cannot take credit for the idea behind this story. I will admit that I stole it from _Star Trek: The Original Series 'A Piece of the Action'_. Best episode ever (outside of Trouble with Tribbles and Journey to Babel of course). If you haven't seen it yet, go to www. sidereel. com (remove spaces) and search for Star Trek The Original Series and watch 'A Piece of the Action. You won't be disappointed.**

**Anyway. This installment of 'The Quirks of Jim Kirk' was based around that particular episode. I won't spoil the episode for the rest of you, but the scene this is from is absolutely hilarious. I LOVE it. Hope you do as well. **

**Read and review, please!**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 4**

**Drive**

_In which Jim fails miserably at driving a stick shift._

Jim was excited. Bones was terrified. Sulu was a little anxious. Chekov was too young to know any better. Uhura was annoyed. Scotty was slightly concerned. Spock was… well, Spock was Spock. There was really no other way to describe it.

The members of the _Enterprise_ were on a planet where the main form of transportation was cars. Not just any cars, but stick shift cars.

"This is so awesome!" Jim said, practically bouncing up and down. "I can't wait to drive one."

"Isn't the last stick shift car you drove at the bottom of a cliff in Riverside?" Bones asked as they all climbed into the car. Jim was the driver because he was really the only one who had any experience driving cars, the fact that the last car he drove was at the bottom of a cliff notwithstanding.

"Shut up, Bones," Jim said, turning the key in the ignition.

The car roared to life. Jim grinned his little kid in the candy store grin and put the car into gear.

"Where to?" he asked, practically shaking with excitement.

"Four point six nine miles to the east," Spock intoned from the passenger's seat.

Jim grinned again and put his foot on the clutch. Instead of gliding smoothly forward like it was supposed to, the car went shooting backward, nearly hitting a poor pedestrian who was unlucky enough to step behind the car. Bones swore, Chekov looked decidedly puzzled, Sulu looked a little scared, Uhura looked pissed, and Spock looked… Spockish, although his eyebrow was definitely a nanometer higher than before.

Jim apologized, putting the car into the correct gear and finally getting the vehicle to go haltingly forward.

By the time the away team had reached the place where the negotiations were to take place, everyone had decided that Jim would no longer be allowed to drive, the fact that not one of the others knew how to drive notwithstanding. They agreed that walking was definitely better than the two hour bone rattling, teeth clacking, headache inducing ride that Jim had just given them.

They climbed out of the car. Jim was the last one to exit, still grinning.

"I'm definitely going to have to get me one of those," he said. His face fell slightly as he gazed at the members of his crew, his eyes settling on Spock, who looked _green_ and not just in the Vulcan blood sense of the word.

"What's wrong, Spock?" Jim asked, instantly concerned. "You look terrified. Don't tell me you're scared of cars."

"Captain," Spock said slowly and as impassively as ever. "I must admit that you are one of the brightest and most able captains in Starfleet. However, if you insist on driving a car again, I will have to declare myself unfit for duty and put myself on medical leave for the duration of your driving episode."

Jim's grin grew impossibly wider. The rest of the crew looked flabbergasted that Spock had actually made a _joke_.

"Damn green blooded hobgoblin," Bones muttered. "He takes all my lines."

* * *

_**Next week's Quirk:** _Exams, _in which Jim proves to Bones why he never studies. **Stay tuned for more crack!!**_


	5. Exams

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note: I know, it's not Wednesday, but I am going to New York tomorrow really really really early in the morning.... and I won't be back until really really really late Saturday night. So, I'm going to update twice tonight and hope you all don't mind!**

**Author's Note 2: I'm not going to be able to respond to your reviews until Sunday, so if I don't respond right away, don't freak out! I will respond!! I promise! **

**Read and review, please!**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 5**

**Exams**

_In which Jim proves to Bones why he never studies_

Exam time rolled around at the Academy. Everyone knew that the exams would make or break first year students. Those lucky enough to pass would survive while those unlucky enough would be sent home.

Jim, unusually enough, decided to actually sit down and study for the exams. The act alone surprised Bones. He had never once in his first year at the Academy see that damned kid study. Not even crack a book. Bones wasn't even sure if Jim attended any of his classes, cause the kid sure as hell rarely showed up for their joint xenolinguistics class.

Bones realized, three days before the exams, why Jim never studied. The kid was a freaking _nightmare_. Jim sat on Bones' bed or in the library chair or whatever was the most comfortable spot in the area where they were studying and read every single useless piece of information out loud until Bones told him to shut up. Then Jim would proceed to make note cards and practically recopy the textbook on to a piece of paper in neat, perfect handwriting that made Bones would want to punch him. Was there anything that damned kid couldn't do?

One day, Bones had had enough of Jim's constant, annoying studying habits, especially since it was obvious that the kid didn't need to study.

"Why the hell are you studying?" he demanded one afternoon. They were in the library, surrounded by stressed out Academy first years.

"I want to pass the exams," Jim said, looking a little too innocent.

"All right. What gives?" Bones demanded. He knew that look too well. He had become far too accustomed to it over the past year.

"Huh?" Jim asked.

"You haven't studied all year. Why are you all of a sudden studying now?" Bones demanded.

There was a brief moment of silence as the younger man thought the question over.

"I'm bored," Jim said with a shrug. "Gaila doesn't want to hang out and you're studying, so I figured if I wanted to actually see any of you people, then I should probably do something that you were doing, which happens to be studying."

Bones wanted to punch the kid. He was studying because he was _bored_? Where was the justice in _that_?

Then what Jim said hit him. Jim wasn't studying because he was bored. At least, not exactly. He was doing it because he wanted to spend time with his friend. Bones suddenly didn't want to punch the kid anymore. Or at least, not knock him unconscious. That might have been the nicest thing someone had said to the old doctor in close to a year.

"So," Jim said, that shit eating grin on his face again. "Want to grab a beer?"

Bones internally groaned. _So much for not wanting to knock his lights out,_ he thought.

The next day, Bones managed to pass his exams despite the drinking binge he had gone on with Jim, who, per usual, got a perfect score without even trying. The jackass.

* * *

_**Next week's Quirk:** _Friendship, _in which Bones and Spock learn that they have a true friend in Jim Kirk. **Stay tuned for more crack!!**_


	6. Friendship

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note: This was originally just a Bones fic, but then I realized that Spock didn't reappear in these until 'I'... so I didn't want you all to think I abandoned him or anything. I love Spock, almost as much as I love Jim. So with his sad, pathetic humany Vulcan face he wrote himself into the story. Not sure how well I did in capturing his character... but I gave it my best shot. Hopefully you all enjoy it!**

**Author's Note 2: Like I said in the 'Quirk' before this, I will not be responding to your reviews until Sunday at the earliest. Do NOT freak out and have spazz attacks, like some Trekkies (cough, me cough) are prone to do. I will respond to your reviews. I promise!!**

**Read and review, please!**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 6**

**Friendship**

_In which Bones and Spock realize they have a true friend in Jim Kirk._

If someone told you 'I may throw up on you', your first reaction would probably be to run away. Or at least move to another seat on the shuttle, far away from the soon to be ill man who called himself Leonard McCoy, was terrified of space, and hated his ex wife because that would be the sensible thing to do.

But (un)fortunately for McCoy, Jim had no common sense whatsoever and instead stayed sitting next to the grouchy doctor from Georgia. Jim even renamed said doctor 'Bones' because of the man's confession that all he had left was his bones. Bones hated the nickname and told Jim under threat of death that if he ever called him that again, he would be hyposprayed to death. Needless to say, the nickname stuck.

After the first fateful shuttle ride, McCoy (not Bones, the doctor told himself) was glad to find that he was rooming by himself. Or at least he was until a certain blonde haired idiot _genius_ showed up outside of his room two nights into the first term with blood dripping from a recently broken nose and his wrist hanging at an odd angle.

"Bones, you're a doctor, right?" the kid asked

"It's McCoy. And possibly," McCoy said, trying to think up of the younger man's name. _Jake? Jayenja? No wait, that's way too Native American. He's not Native American._

"I kind of need a doctor," the kid (_Jim_ McCoy finally figured out) said, looking slightly sheepish as he held up his injured wrist.

"Why don't you go to the hospital? That's what it's there for," McCoy said (and damn it if that kid didn't look ten times more pathetic).

"If I go to the hospital, then they're going to ask what happened," Jim said, speaking slowly as if McCoy was slow.

"What did happen?" McCoy asked.

"I got into a bar fight," Jim said, shrugging.

_Of course he did_, McCoy thought. He remembered two days ago when he had first seen the kid—covered in blood and bruises.

"And you don't want to get kicked out," McCoy finished. It wasn't hard to figure out—the Academy had a strict, no fighting policy among its students.

"I didn't start it," Jim said getting defensive.

"But you finished it," McCoy said shaking his head. The kid looked _pathetic_, slouching in the hallway with blood dripping onto his clean white shirt. McCoy sighed.

"Come in," he said. "But don't tell anyone that I'm running a free clinic here."

Jim grinned as he walked in.

It would be the first of many late night encounters with Jim until one day the kid hacked into the rooming assignments and reassigned himself to McCoy's room. When the doctor raised an eyebrow in question, Jim merely shrugged and said that he spent more time at the older man's room than Jim did in his own. McCoy didn't care. Jim was rarely there anyway, except when he was bleeding or sleeping, which were almost equal in occurrences. Plus, Jim was scary smart and on the extremely rare occasions when he was conscious and not lying on the floor bleeding, he helped McCoy understand some of the finer points of engineering. It was definitely beginning to turn into a beautiful friendship.

Spock was fascinated by the Captain. Not in a creepy sort of way, but in a curious, scientific way. The Captain was an enigma. He did everything the polar opposite of what was expected of him and he was a highly emotionally charged creature. However, the Captain also hid his emotions much better than any other person that Spock had ever met, Vulcans included.

In the beginning, when the Captain was a stowaway onboard the _Enterprise_ and under threat of court martial, Spock couldn't stand the man. He was loud, obnoxious, sarcastic, brilliant, and too full of himself. Spock believed then that there was no way in any universe that James Tiberius Kirk would ever become Captain.

But he did. And now, he and Spock were beginning to develop a tentative friendship, one based off of many factors, including but not limited to Ambassador Spock.

It was a week after the _Enterprise_ had been assigned her first mission. Spock had been made first officer, Jim was the official Captain and Doctor McCoy was the chief medical officer to hopefully keep Jim out of trouble.

Jim and Spock were still highly awkward around each other. They probably would have continued to be continually at each other's throats if it hadn't been Bones mentioning to Uhura, who mentioned it to Spock, that Jim played chess. And was extremely good. Then Jim found out that Spock played chess and naturally wanted to see who was better.

Spock was just finishing with his meditation one night when he heard a knock on the door. He found this odd, for he wasn't expecting anyone.

"Enter," he called.

The doors slid open and Jim walked in, looking extremely anxious about something and carrying a chess board. The item in Jim's hand caught Spock's attention. He had heard from Nyota that the Captain played.

"This is probably rude," Jim said, running his free hand through his hair. "I'm sorry. But I was wondering if you wanted to play a game of chess."

Spock debated it for a split second. He had paper work to catch up on, but it had been a few years since he had had an honest challenge at chess other than the computer, which wasn't a challenge anyway because he had programmed half of the codes and the other half were too easy. Besides, Spock could always use the chance to figure out the enigma that was Jim Kirk.

"I would not mind playing," Spock consented.

Jim looked relieved. He walked into Spock's quarters, shoving his free hand into his pocket. Spock went to the thermometer and adjusted the settings so Jim wouldn't be boiling.

"You don't have to do that," Jim said.

Spock paused for a moment.

"It would make you more comfortable," he said. "It is illogical—"

"To be in discomfort," Jim said, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Just leave it alone, all right? I'm uninvited and it would be unfair to ask you to change it."

"It is not an issue, Captain," Spock said.

"Jim," the other man said instantly. "We're off duty. Call me Jim."

Spock raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.

They sat down. Jim gave Spock the choice of being white or black and Spock graciously chose black. He didn't want to have a lead on the already unfair game.

The game began. Spock had estimated that he could beat Jim in only four moves. He was slightly surprised when Jim lasted not only four moves, but came extremely close to winning the game. Spock had been taken aback by Jim's unpredictability, as the half-Vulcan was usually, and how Jim had no logical strategy. It was, Spock realized, what made him a great captain. He could take any situation and adapt to it.

By the time they had finished their game, Spock being the victor of course, both men had both relaxed around each other enough to hold a civil conversation about something that was not work related. They talked about Jim's wild rampages as a teenager and about Spock's mother. It was a pleasant way to spend an evening.

As the evening came to a close with a third chess game in which the Captain won, Spock found himself inexplicably sad that this evening could not continue on.

Jim yawned, smiling slightly. "I'm sorry, Mister Spock. I hate to cut this night short, but it's getting late and I am on Alpha shift in the morning."

"Of course," Spock said with a dip of his head.

"Thanks for the game," Jim said, standing up.

"It was a pleasurable experience," Spock said, standing up as well. "One I hope to repeat in the future."

"Really? Well, okay then," Jim said. "How about tomorrow night? Same time?"

"That would be satisfactory," Spock said. "Good night, Cap—Jim."

Jim smiled.

"Good night, Spock," he said, exiting the half-Vulcan's quarters.

As Spock watched Jim leave, he thought that it was a possibility that the two weren't so different after all.

* * *

_**Next week's Quirk:** _Genius, _in which Jim shows off his intelligence and his gymnastic skills and Chekov disappears. **Stay tuned for more crack!!**_


	7. Genius

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note: All I can say is wow. You guys are freaking AMAZINGLYAWESOMELYWONDERFUL!! I was floored by the amount of responses I got to the last two updates. All of your kind words made me extremely happy! **

**And to lolwow who is not a member of FanFiction: Thank you for your review! I am glad you don't think that these sound like crack (of course... we haven't gotten to L yet... your opinion may change then). Thank you again! **

**And now... for 'Genius'. **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 7**

**Genius**

___In which Jim shows off his intelligence and his gymnastic skills and Chekov disappears_

The fact that Chekov is always the one who gets kidnapped or in trouble on away missions was starting to get just a little out of hand. Just a little. And the fact that Jim flat out refused to leave a man (err… kid in this case) behind no matter what the cost was getting slightly annoying, especially to one Doctor McCoy when these insane rescues started landing the Captain in the sick bay with alarming regularity. However, the latest rescue mission was just flat out nuts.

It all started when the _Enterprise_ was assigned a simple exploration mission to a small planet in the Delta-Beta system. Sulu, Jim, Bones, and of course, Chekov were on the away team.

Things started out just fine, like they always do. Jim was getting yelled at by Bones for getting into something that he wasn't supposed to, per usual, and everyone else was doing what they were supposed to be. Everything was going well, until Chekov literally vanished.

It was Sulu who noticed first. Chekov had been calling out constant readings about the plant life on five minute intervals. Ten minutes went by and Chekov still hadn't said anything. The helmsman looked around, horrified when he did not see the blonde genius anywhere.

"Damn it, Jim, I swear if you touch that one more time I am going to hypospray you to death," Bones growled as Sulu approached.

"Captain, Chekov is missing!" Sulu said.

Jim instantly dropped what he was holding—which was an unidentifiable plant—and looked alarmed.

"Where did he go missing?" he asked.

"I don't know exactly, but we were over there," Sulu said, pointing to where he had come from.

"Lead the way, Sulu," Jim said.

The three of them walked quickly over to where the young Ensign had disappeared. Sulu was about to take another step forward when Jim stopped him.

"Don't take another step," the Captain cautioned.

Sulu looked puzzled.

"Why?"

"Look down," Bones said gruffly.

Sulu did. Right where his foot was going to be, there was a huge gaping hole.

"Holy crap," Sulu said, his eyes widening. "How did you know it was there?"

"There's a sign," Jim said with a shrug. He pointed to a wooden sign that had black foreign writing on it.

"What does it say?" Sulu asked.

"It says 'Beware: Gorge'," Jim said. He looked thoughtful for a moment. "It's either that or Bar: Five Miles. It's kind of hard to tell with the Belti dialect."

Sulu stared and Bones looked annoyed.

"That's great and all, but where the hell is Chekov?" the doctor demanded.

There was a brief moment of silence as the three of them stared down in the chasm.

"Shit," Jim swore. "Someone get me a rope."

"No way in hell are you going down there," Bones said instantly.

"I'll do it, Captain," Sulu offered at the same time.

The _Enterprise_ could always replace the helmsman. They couldn't replace Jim as a Captain. Sure, Spock was a good leader, but the ship and her crewmates were Jim's.

"No," Jim said shortly. "That's an order. I'm going down there whether you two like it or not. Now get me a rope."

Before either Bones or Sulu could respond, there was a faint yell coming from a few yards away, followed by a small _boom_.

"That was Chekov!" Sulu exclaimed.

The three took off running toward the sound of the yell. Jim took the lead, leaping over the underbrush and rocks easily. Bones fell behind and Sulu was left trying to follow his Captain.

The helmsman nearly ran into Jim when the man stopped suddenly.

"Another gorge?" Sulu asked.

Jim shook his head, pointing a few yards ahead. Chekov stood in the middle of a small, circular clearing, looking absolutely terrified. His blonde hair was slightly singed and there was smoke curling up toward the sky.

"Explosives," Jim said grimly. "Chekov must have set one of them off. Where's Bones?"

Sulu gave his Captain a blank look for a moment, before realizing that the man was talking about Dr. McCoy.

"He got left behind," Sulu said.

"Good," Jim said shortly, taking off his shoes. "This will take less time if he's not here."

Sulu wondered what the hell Jim was thinking. He wasn't about to complain about the Captain's crazy actions—they had saved his life on more than one occasion, but was Jim _crazy_?

Sulu decided a few seconds later that yes, his Captain was definitely crazy. Or the most daring, he amended as Jim backed up a few steps before taking a running leap toward Chekov.

Jim landed lightly with the grace of a cat right in front of a giant boulder. He didn't even hesitate before throwing himself back into the air, grabbing onto a tree branch and sailing in an arch over the clearing, adding in a few twists and rolls just for kicks.

Sulu was certain he was about to become first officer when Jim landed on his feet right on top of an explosive. Right before the bomb went off, Jim jumped forward, did a beautiful back flip, and landed right next to Chekov.

"Holy shit," Sulu whispered as Doctor McCoy came panting out of the trees.

"Damn it, Jim," the doctor sighed.

Jim threw Sulu and the doctor an impish grin, before turning to Chekov. The two blonds whispered together for a moment before Jim crouched down and started digging in the ground.

"JIM! What the hell are you doing?" Bones yelled.

There was a split second of silence before suddenly dirt flew a mile high in the air with an overpowering _boom_.

Sulu coughed as the dust settled, horrified that he would be made first officer now. There was no way Chekov or the Captain could have survived that.

When the clearing came into focus, Sulu was shocked to find Jim and Chekov completely unharmed, laughing hysterically about something. They were splattered in dirt and debris from the clearing, but definitely alive.

"Good God, man, he's going to get himself killed," Bones growled.

Sulu was in shock. He had just witnessed his captain read a completely alien language, do a flawless gymnastic routine, and figured out a complicated underground explosive system to set off all the ones around him and none of the others just to save Chekov's life. Was there anything he couldn't do? Sulu was beginning to wonder.

* * *

_**Next week's Quirk:** _Hypospray, _in which Jim gets hyposprayed. A lot. **Stay tuned for more crack!!**_


	8. Hyposprays

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note: Okay. This one is probably overdone. Way overdone. But hey, you know, it's Jim. And he hates hyposprays. And when I tried to write something normal like... I don't know, Hyper, he just stared at me with his kicked puppy dog look and said that if I was going to continue to be on speaking terms with him then I needed to give him a chance to complain about Bones. So. Here is some sadistic Bones (not dark sadistic... more like 'I'm fed up with you and you need to quit being a baby; you're a Captain for god's sake' sadistic) for Kirk's benefit and some injured Kirk for you awesome reviewers' benefit. Sound good to everyone? Good.**

**Author's Note 2: Spock was here. He was involved in this story making process. He got mad when I tried to add him in here, claiming that it was illogical that he make fun of his captain (even though he totally does it all the time). So. He was in the original version of this chapter (which completely and utterly sucked, by the way) and was taken out of this version. He's mentioned. He was the hero. Kind of. But have no fear. He will be in the next one.**

**Read and review, please!**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 8**

**Hypospray**

_In which Jim gets hyposprayed. A lot._

Captain James Tiberius Kirk, captain of the USS _Enterprise_, master of chess (beating even the Vulcan a time or two), master of pain, and a complete and total wimp when it came to getting hypos.

Jim wasn't terrified of much, but the sight of Bones with a hypo is enough to send him running. Unfortunately for Jim, the sight of Bones with a hypo is a near regular occurrence, because the Captain is always doing something that he is not supposed to be doing and winding up in sick bay as a result.

This time, it definitely was _not_ Jim's fault. He didn't ask to be shot. Hell, he didn't even jump in front of anyone like he had a habit of doing. He was just walking along a trail on a so called ghost planet, when someone opened fire and he got shot in the arm with an antique rifle.

"Of course it's a fucking antique," Bones muttered as he put pressure on the wound.

Spock had luckily found the Captain before it was too late. What Spock had been doing on the ghost planet, no one was quite certain. Of course, then again, no one is quite certain what Spock does most of the time, so the fact that he was there didn't really surprise anyone. Except for Bones. But that's not really the point here.

Spock got Jim to sick bay, where McCoy instantly took over, cussing as he took one look at the wound.

"Damn it, Jim," he shouted as he got out the hyposprays.

Up until this point, Jim had been handling the pain just fine. He looked a little pale around the edges, but that was understandable. He had a bullet in his arm, after all. But the second Bones pulled out those hypos, his face lost all color and he looked as though he were about ready to pass out.

Bones, per usual, ignored Jim's look of complete and utter terror as the doctor prepared the first hypo. Jim literally started to shake as McCoy started walking toward him.

"Don't come near me with that," Jim said, backing away.

No one who was watching was quite certain if Jim was shaking so hard from shock or terror. Bones was smugly inclined to think that it was both as he cornered Jim and jammed the hypospray into his neck.

"OW!" Jim shouted, cursing as he jostled his injured limb. "Damn it, Bones, that hurt!"

"That's my line," Bones said, jabbing Jim again. "And you're being a complete and total baby."

"You're being a sadistic jackass!"

By the time the wound was healed, everyone in sick bay had developed a whole new level of sympathy for both their CMO and their Captain. It was surprising that their CMO had the patience to deal with the constant whining and complaining from their Captain about something as common as hyposprays. After all, everyone else calmly accepted the shots with little more than a grimace.

But then again, they reflected, wincing along with Jim's curse as McCoy heartlessly jabbed the hypo into his friend's neck. It was a wonder that Jim even came to sick bay at all. Bones took a little too much pleasure in hypospraying Jim.

"I fucking hate you," Jim muttered as his eyes drifted off to sleep. "And your damn hyposprays."

"Stop getting into trouble and I'll stop hypospraying you," Bones retorted.

Jim muttered something incoherent as the sedative Bones had just given him kicked in and knocked him out.

"Yeah, well, it takes one to know one," Bones said, looking almost _fondly_ at Jim.

"Bastard," Jim mumbled clearly before rolling over onto his uninjured side and falling asleep.

* * *

_**Next week's Quirk:** _Igloo, _in which Jim shows he can build an igloo. **Stay tuned for more crack!!**_


	9. Igloo

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note: This one by far is one of my favorites. It's kind of unrealistic in parts and I apologize for that, but I personally love it. **

**Hope you all enjoy it!**

**Thanks to Jordan for your wonderful review! You really made my day!! **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 9**

**Igloo**

___In which Jim builds an igloo._

It was cold. Really cold. So cold in fact that even Uhura couldn't think of a word to describe just how freaking cold it was.

How Bones, Scotty, Spock, Uhura, and Jim had all ended up on a barren ice planet together, no one was quite certain. But what Bones _did_ know that if he didn't get Spock somewhere soon, Jim was going to have to get a new first officer. The Vulcan was turning an eerie shade of teal as frostbite covered his face.

"Damn it, we need to find somewhere warm!" Bones said as the wind howled around them.

Jim, who alone wasn't freezing his ass off, heard Bones' comment and shot a worried look to the nearly comatose Spock, who was stumbling alongside of the doctor. Vulcans weren't made to handle the cold, Bones was discovering.

"Let's stop for a moment," Scotty suggested from a little ways back.

Bones could hardly see the engineer through all the snow, but he was fairly certain that the Scottish man caught sight of the doctor's glare.

"T-that w-would b-be ill—illogical," Spock stuttered through chattering teeth. "M-moving is t-the o-only thing k-keeping us a-alive."

"We're all going to be lucky if we don't catch damn pneumonia," Bones muttered. He looked to Jim, who had a thoughtful look on his frost covered face.

"I agree with Scotty," the younger man said after a few minutes of trudging through the snow. "Let's stop."

"Are you crazy?" Bones demanded.

"We're going to freeze to death if we don't keep moving," Uhura agreed.

"I could go for a sandwich," Scotty said randomly.

"Just give me a minute, okay?" Jim pleaded. He shot an anxious glance toward Spock.

"I-If the c-c-captain has an i-idea, we sh-should t-try it," Spock said. "I-it i-is the logical thing to do."

Bones sighed heavily, knowing that he wasn't going to win an argument with both Spock and Jim on the opposing side.

"If he freezes to death," Bones said warningly.

Jim didn't seem to hear him. Suddenly, the black figure that was the Captain disappeared in the snowstorm. He reappeared ten minutes later, looking out of breath.

"Come on," he said.

Bemused, the exhausted and frozen members of the _Enterprise_ followed their Captain a few more yards through the snow.

Bones stopped and stared. Uhura let out a small gasp of surprise. Scotty grinned. Spock looked cold.

Standing in front of them, looking extremely out of place in the barren landscape, was an igloo. It was very sloppily built, but it looked sturdy enough.

"This planet's uninhabited," Uhura said. "How is this here?"

"I b-believe th-that q-question w-will be best answered when we are in-inside," Spock said, leaning heavily against Bones. A shudder ran through the taller being's body.

"Come on," Jim said. "It's perfectly safe."

The crew followed the Captain through the small entrance and into the main room of the igloo. Instantly, it was warmer, for the snowy walls blocked out the wind. Jim had taken some of the emergency flashlights and turned them on, setting them around the interior.

"It's a little cramped," Bones heard Jim say. The doctor shot an exasperated look in his friend's direction.

"It's great," Scotty said, enthused to be out of the cold wind.

"How did you build this?" Uhura asked. "I thought you were from Iowa."

"I am," Jim said with a shrug. "But I didn't spend my whole life there."

With that last cryptic remark, the small group settled down and prepared for sleep. They were all grateful to be out of the cold, no matter who built it or where that person was from.

* * *

The next morning, however, told a different story. Everyone was warm and well rested now and Uhura wanted to know where Jim learned how to build an igloo.

"It's not common knowledge!" she protested. "And he's from Iowa! He shouldn't know what snow is!"

"Sitting right over here, thanks," Jim said. "And I told you, I haven't spent my entire life in Iowa."

Before Uhura could respond, gold light filled the igloo and the transporter room of the _Enterprise_ materialized in front of them. Spock was whisked off to sick bay along with Jim, who managed to get severe frostbite on his fingers. Apparently, building an igloo didn't agree with him.

The rest of the away team was forced to listen to frantic apologies by Chekov and the rest of the crew on board for losing their signal in the blizzard that had swept over the planet. Uhura snuck away the first chance she had to go stalk her Captain and Spock in sick bay. She was determined to find out where Jim learned to build an igloo.

Spock was in one of the private rooms when Uhura walked into sick bay. Jim, on the other hand, was half asleep on one of the beds while the dermal regenerator was working on his hands. Uhura realized that he was exhausted and concluded that he must not have slept the night before while everyone else had.

"Captain?" she asked quietly.

McCoy was in his office, more than likely asleep, so Uhura didn't have to worry about the doctor interrupting and throwing her out of sick bay.

"Whaddya want?" Jim asked sleepily. He forced his eyes open. "Uhura?"

"How did you build that igloo?" she asked.

She knew that it was probably really stupid to still be going on about it, but Jim's odd skills were beginning to annoy her. She wanted to at least try to figure out the mystery that was Jim Kirk.

"Why do you want to know?" Jim asked.

Uhura was struck by how young Jim really was. She knew it was a stupid thought—Jim was a year or two older than she was, but he looked extremely young at that moment with his hair messed up and dark circles underneath his eyes.

"I just wanted to know," Uhura said. "Not very many people know how to build an igloo."

"I told you—didn't spend my entire life--."

"In Iowa," Uhura said. "Yeah, you said that."

Jim looked like he was about to respond, when an exhausted hint of a smile crossed his face.

"Lieutenant? Is there something you need?"

At the sound of McCoy's voice, Uhura jumped. She hadn't heard the older man approach and now she knew that he must be pissed for disturbing Kirk's healing process.

"No, sir," Uhura said, ignoring the highly entertained look on Jim's face. Apparently, the Captain was loving someone else being at the receiving end of the doctor's wrath.

"Then I suggest that you either go visit Spock in his room or clear out of my sick bay," McCoy said. "The idiot over there needs his rest."

Jim's smile turned into a glare as he stuck his tongue out at his friend. Sensing that she was in the middle of some weird, bizarre guy thing that she would never in a million years understand, Uhura quickly left, thinking not for the first time that she was glad Spock was half-Vulcan and didn't believe in stupid childish pranks.

As she was leaving, she heard McCoy yelling, "Damn it Jim!" really loudly and Jim changing the subject.

She never did find out where Jim learned to build an igloo.

* * *

_**Next week's Quirk: **_Jam, _in which Jim gets stuck. **Stay tuned for more crack!!**_


	10. Jam

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**I apologize for the delay in this chapter! I didn't mean to let this one get away from me--I thought it was going to be out on time... and then I got mono and took a highly unexpected trip... and this fic just kind of got left in the dust. I apologize so much!! **

**Author's Note: Wow. You all are AWESOME! Everyone always talks about how they have the best reviewers, but I'm pretty certain you guys take the cake! Special thanks to Jordan, Korinix, and Kansas who aren't members of FanFiction but reviewed anyway! Also to Jordan--thanks for the offer of help! **

**Author's Note 2: I apologize for the meterology error in the last chapter. I have never been to Iowa, so I was unaware of the fact that that state does indeed receive snow. **

**Author's Note 3: A lot of you said that you really wanted to know where Jim learned how to build an igloo. Have no fear, that will be revealed in 'Z'! I promise!**

**I hope you all enjoy this one. It's kind of boring compared to some of the others, but I still like it. It features awesome Spock!!**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 10**

**Jam**

___In which Jim gets stuck_

Jim had a habit of randomly leaving the bridge and going down to engineering. No one thought anything of it—Scotty welcomed the 'competent help' and Spock didn't mind having the bridge quiet every once in a while. The other engineers down there didn't care too much either—they liked the Captain and he was a good engineer.

However, like all things concerning Jim, something was bound to go wrong. And it did during a Klingon attack. Jim was trying to help Scotty with an engine failure and since he was the second most qualified engineer on the ship that Scotty actually trusted (Scotty being the first, of course).

To get to the main engines, one had to be able to fit through a round tube and be able to climb head first down a ladder that would lead to instant death if there was a mistake. Naturally, Jim was the one who volunteered to go fix the problem with the main engine. And being practical engineers, Scotty and his motley crew didn't protest. They were too busy trying to stop the ship from imploding.

Jim got to the engines pretty quickly and was able to fix the problem despite the laser cannon blasts and shaking of the ship. However, he managed to break his wrist (no one was quite sure _how_), which probably led to Jim's predicament getting back out of the tubes.

He made it up the stairs all right, although he had to leave the tool box behind. Jim was good, but he wasn't _that_ good. There was no way he could climb up a a ladder one handed.

It was getting into the tube that was the problem. Getting out of the tube was easy. But getting back into the tube that had an opening of about four feet with a broken wrist and a ladder that required at least one hand hold at all times was a little complicated.

Jim, being the genius, tried to use his broken wrist to hold onto the ladder. He let out a few choice swear words into his communicator when his arm burned in pain.

_"Are you all right, there, laddie?"_ Scotty asked, his voice full of concern.

"M'fine," Jim said through clenched teeth. "I'll be up in a few minutes."

He stopped trying to get into the tube using his arms. He knew that there was no way that he was going to be able to accomplish that without falling into unconsciousness. So, Jim attempted to worm his way into the tube. He was working on pulling his feet into the tube when he suddenly found himself unable to move.

"Come on, come on!" he whispered.

_"Captain?"_

It was not Scotty's voice that sounded over the communicator. It was Spock's. Jim swore again as he struggled to move out of the tube opening. He was stuck.

_"Captain, we are going to have to seal off the tube's opening,"_ Spock said. _"Are you inside of the tube?"_

"Kind of," Jim grunted, attempting to wiggle his foot out from underneath him.

_"Pardon?"_

"I'm stuck in the opening," Jim said through gritted teeth. His arm started throbbing as he attempted to pull himself further into the tube.

_"Damn it, Jim."_

"Hiya, Bones," Jim said. "It's great to hear your voice."

_"You're a fucking idiot,"_ Bones replied. _"How the hell did you get stuck?"_

"I broke my wrist," Jim said, reaching out with his free foot, searching for something to press up against. "And now I'm stuck in the opening to the damn tube."

_"Scotty and Chekov are on their way down,"_ Bones said. _"I'll get the hyposprays ready."_

"Bones," Jim whined.

_"Don't want to hear it, kid,"_ Bones said. _"No more runs to engineering after this either."_

"_Bones_!" Jim complained.

Voices sounded down the tube right before Scotty's head appeared.

"You've got yourself in a right jam here, laddie," he said.

"Keptin? Are you all right?" Chekov asked from behind the Scotsman.

"I'm fine," Jim said. "Can you two get me out of here?"

"Hang on," Scotty said.

The chief of engineering backed up a little ways. He and Chekov began whispering in heavily accented voices. Jim wasn't really sure what was going on, but he hoped that the two crazy geniuses would be able to think up of something.

"All right, that will work," Scotty said. "You go tell the Doctor what we're about to do. I'll get 'im out of 'ere.'

"Yes, sir," Chekov said before disappearing from sight and sound all together.

Jim shot an inquiring glance toward his chief engineer, wondering what the Scottish man had in mind. He didn't have to wait long to find out.

"All right. On the count of three, I'm gonnae pull ye outta 'ere."

Jim grunted in agreement. He was beginning to feel lightheaded and extremely claustrophobic.

Scotty's hands gripped Jim's shoulders and pulled.

"Ow," Jim complained as the effort only resulted in his getting more jammed inside of the tube.

"Sorrae," Scotty said.

The engineer backed away for a minute, looking thoughtful.

"Aye'll be right back," he said.

"Wait!" Jim said as the other man backed out of the tube. "Don't--."

He trailed off as he realized that the engineer had left.

"Damn it," Jim muttered, trying once more to get himself unstuck. Somehow, he managed to end up with his head at the bottom of the tube and his left foot jammed in the ceiling and his right leg dangling uselessly out over the ladder. His broken wrist throbbed in time with his headache.

"Captain?"

Jim attempted to look to see if that was really _Spock_ in the tunnels, but he ended up just banging his head against the side of the tube.

"Yes, Mr. Spock?" Jim croaked.

"May I inquire as to how you came to be in this position?" Spock asked. There was a faint undercurrent to his otherwise emotionless tone. Jim was shocked to realize that it was _amusement_.

Feeling more then a little offended; Jim didn't say anything, letting his silence be his response.

"Captain?" Spock inquired again.

"What?" Jim snapped. He was tired, his wrist hurt, his head ached, and he was getting more then a little fed up of being stuck in the damn tunnel.

"I was merely checking to see if you were conscious, Captain," Spock said.

The amusement was more noticeable this time around. Jim fought against the urge to stick out his tongue at his first officer, knowing that it was a highly undignified action for a starship captain to do. Plus, Spock wouldn't see it, so it kind of defeated the point.

"Can you just get me out of here?" Jim asked, letting some of his exhaustion seep into his tone.

Spock was quiet. Jim closed his eyes, hoping to relieve some of his headache.

* * *

The next thing Jim knew, he was waking up to the all too familiar sounds and scents of sick bay. He blinked, doing a double take as the harsh lights came into view.

_How did I get out of the tunnel?_ he wondered.

"Jim?"

At the sound of Bones' voice, Jim jumped.

"Lo, Bones," he said. "How did I get here?"

"Spock," Bones said as if it explained everything.

Jim shot his friend an annoyed look. He knew that Spock had somehow gotten him out of the tunnel—that was _obvious_ due to the fact that Jim was no longer in said tunnel.

"I don't know," Bones said honestly. "Spock didn't exactly keep up a running commentary. You're gonna have to ask him that yourself. What I want to know is how the hell you got stuck in the first place."

"You always said that my ego was too large for my own good," Jim quipped. "Guess you were right!"

Bones muttered something that sounded a lot like _bastard_ before jamming a hypospray into Jim's neck.

* * *

**_Next week's Quirk: _**Katana, _in which Jim shows that he is a master at swordmanship.. **Stay tuned for more crack!!**_


	11. Katana

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note: Okay. So. This one took a lot of convincing to be written. My stupid muse was like _no. I don't want to write this. I want to write an epic complicated insanely long story that will never in a million years be finished that contains some sarcastic Spock, some awesome Jim, and some annoyed Bones._ Alas, only a few of those things happen in this. Awesome Jim, for one. Annoyed Bones happens in the next one. Sarcastic Spock will be coming soon. I promise. But anyway. I apologize if this doesn't flow well. I had about six different plot lines I was trying to go with for this and ended up deleting half of them and reworking the others. So... if there's any confusion, let me know, and I will do my best to explain what is happening.**

**Author's Note 2: I am going to be doing a special update tomorrow because one, I can, and two, I want to make up for the lack of updates recently. So. You're going to get treated to L and M earlier then expected. Plus, I'm going out of town next weekend and probably will not have access to my laptop on which I write these crazy insane stories. I don't want you guys to go without, so I'm updating three times this weekend. Celebrate!! We're almost halfway done!! Yay!! **

**After next weekend, I shall go back to my usual pattern of Tuesday/Saturday updates until this story is complete. **

**Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed. I apologize for not keeping up with that, but I'm working on catching up now. I will hopefully get to everyone by Thursday. **

**With lots of love,**

**Scott Winchester 22 3. **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 11**

**Katana**

_In which Jim proves that he's a master at swordsmanship._

Sulu was considered a master of swordsmanship by any being's standards. Even Spock had to admit that Sulu was a good swordsman. How could one not be a good swordsman if the _Vulcan_ praised the craft?

However, Sulu was good by any being except for Jim Kirk's standards. When it came to the Captain of the _USS Enterprise_, there was a very different set of rules. Starting with the very fact that no matter how damn good Sulu was with his katana, Jim was ten times better with his fists and feet.

But even still, this did not stop Sulu from coming to Jim's rescue a time or two. The incident on the drill was just the first of many. There was a time where Jim was thrown into a pit of fire breathing animals (no one was quite sure _why_, but it happened) and Sulu swung in (yes, on a vine) and saved the day by decapitating the fire breathing animals and managing to get a severely singed (although somehow not burned to a crisp) Jim out of the pit and back onto the _Enterprise_ with an irate doctor.

No sooner had Jim been treated for mild burns, he found himself utterly surrounded by a group of people similar to the Native Americans that wanted nothing more than to chop the away team into tiny little pieces. Sulu and Spock saved the day, though it was mostly Sulu who parried blades the alien species. Spock sort of stared at the people (and moved much too quickly for the eye to see) and they fell over, most of them unconscious and a couple were close to death. Sulu saved Jim's arm from being cut off by an alien's weapon by jumping blade first into the alien. Sulu would have paid good money to get the look on Kirk's face on holovid.

The next few times were so outrageous that even Jim couldn't remember what happened, although the crew of the _Enterprise_ knew that it involved Jim getting into huge amounts of trouble, Doctor McCoy threatening the Captain with a lot of hypos, and Sulu magically saving his day with his awesome katana.

But Jim was amazing in his own right when it came to fencing. Ever since he had first met Sulu, Jim had constantly been badgering the helmsman to teach him. Sulu had been reluctant at first—giving Jim sharp objects was generally a bad idea—but had eventually broken down under threat of court martial (not that Jim would actually go through with it) and the fact that Jim told him it would be beneficial to keeping him alive. Even Spock couldn't argue against that logic, so Sulu had to give his Captain fencing lessons.

At first, it went okay. Jim managed not to stab himself and Sulu was able to impart some of his knowledge on the Captain.

But the helmsman-being-the-Captain's-teacher-thing wasn't to last. Sulu wasn't exactly sure when things started to change—it was either right before or right after the exploratory mission to New Vulcan—but eventually it was _Jim_ giving _Sulu_ pointers. Sulu finally got fed up with the _Captain_ pretending that he knew _everything_ about swordsmanship, so he stupidly challenged the Captain to a duel.

The simple duel had turned into a huge event for the crewmen of the _Enterprise_. Morale had been low as of late—too many red shirts had been dying and they were light years away from anything that resembled home—so Sulu and Jim were all for it. Betting was prohibited, but of course, it took place. Even Spock and Uhura decided to climb down from their high horses and watch the event.

The rules were simple: last man standing at the end won and they could only use the practice swords. It was heavily implied that if the Captain suffered any lasting damage, Sulu would be crated up and sent to Delta Vega, courtesy of one very frightening McCoy.

The fencing match was about to begin. Sulu stood calmly in front of the ref—the head of security that Jim fondly referred to as Cupcake—while Jim bounced up and down like a little kid on his first day of school. Sulu didn't think of this as a good thing—usually when the Captain got like this, bad things happened.

"On my mark," Cupcake said. "Three. Two. One."

The gathered crowd held their breath as Cupcake backed away. Sulu and Jim stared at each other for a few moments.

Someone laughed nervously while there was a very distinct _damnit, you idiots_ coming from the back of the recreational room. Sulu hid a smile as Jim outwardly grinned.

Sulu blinked. That was his first mistake. He should not, under any circumstances, have blinked at all. He should have found some superglue and forced his eyeballs to stay open, for that would be the only way he would ever be able to see Jim Kirk before he struck.

But Sulu did blink. And when he opened his eyes half a nanosecond later, he was lying flat on his ass, staring up at Jim, who had his sword pointed at the helmsman's throat.

"Looks like I win, Sulu," Jim said with a very pronounced smirk.

Sulu hid his own smirk as he brought his sword up and wriggled away from his Captain. Someone cheered as the real sword fight began.

They parried and thrusted their swords at a lightning fast pace. Sulu wasn't sure who exactly was doing what. He was only aware of Jim's sword flashing through the air in complicated patterns that were way above Sulu's knowledge of swordsmanship. Sulu retaliated as best he could, but it was obvious from the very beginning who the winner was going to be.

Their swords connected in a particularly brutal manner and there was a cracking noise. Jim's plastic sword broke in half.

"That's--." Sulu was going to say _the end_, but instead found himself dumbstruck as he realized that he was no longer holding his sword.

"Looks like I win again, Mr. Sulu," Jim said.

Sulu now understood why Doctor McCoy was always cursing when Jim gave the good doctor _that smirk_.

* * *

_**Next week's Quirk:** _Lean on Me, _in which Jim gets drunk and starts serenading the crew. **Stay tuned for more crack!!**_


	12. Lean on Me

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note: Do you all remember the friend that was the reason behind this crazy adventure being started? Well, she finally figured out that I was writing these for her and decided to request her own. There is a huge long story that goes along with this... but to sum it all up, we were on a field trip, the field trip chaperones gave crazy intelligent already hyper kids ice cream, and we crazy intelligent kids had access to iPods that contained songs that we enjoyed singing while none of us could actually sing. My friend who I was sitting next to me looked to me at one point and said "You should write a FanFiction for your 'little' project about Jim getting drunk and singing _Lean on Me_." So. This is the result. I do not apologize for the insanity of this piece, because it was inspired by a truly insane person who shall remain nameless for sake of being hidden from the men in white. So. I hope you all enjoy it. It contains everyone's favorite things: HurtJim, annoyedBones, HypoHappyBones, Spock (um, it's Spock. He doesn't need a description) and Chekov!!! Yay!!! **

**Warning: This contains serious angst, a lot of hyposprays, some drinking, and a lot of really bad singing.**

**Enjoy!! I know I enjoyed writing this. **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 12**

**Lean on Me**

___In which Jim gets drunk and serenades his crew_

It was decided that Jim should never be given Romulan ale. It was also decided that if Jim was anywhere near Scotty when the engineer had so much as an ounce of liquor, evasive action would take place and one or both of them would be put on medical leave or in the brig or under surveillance.

What made the crew of the _Enterprise_ decide to cut their Captain off so harshly you ask? Well, you see, it was the week after a particularly hard away mission. No one blamed Jim for deciding to hit the alcohol to try to avoid the fact that of the ten people that beamed down to the planet, only three made it out alive and of those three, only one didn't spend three weeks in sick bay. Jim had been one of those unfortunate two people who had spent a week and a half in a coma and then another week under heavy sedation. So it wasn't really that big of a surprise when the second he was let out of sick bay and out from underneath the watchful eye of Doctor McCoy Jim made his way to the Chief Engineer's private quarters for a round of booze and sorrow drowning.

What was a surprise was what happened three hours later. Jim stumbled on to the bridge, quite disoriented and drunker than he had ever been, and started serenading the crew. Loudly. And quite obnoxiously.

"Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain," he sang in a high pitched whiny voice. "We all have sorrow. But if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow!"

Chekov was at his station and Spock was in the Captain's chair. Chekov looked extremely surprised by the sudden appearance of his Captain while Spock looked… well, it was Spock. He didn't really look _anything_. But Jim swore up and down that the Vulcan had an eyebrow raised in surprise.

"Captain, may I inquire as to what you are doing on the bridge?" Spock asked.

Jim didn't seem to hear him. Instead, he belted out, "Lean on me, when you're not strong! And I'll be your friend. I'll help you carry on!"

Jim stumbled over to Chekov and wrapped an arm around the young ensign's shoulders. Spock looked slightly amused.

"For it won't be long," Jim continued. "'Till I'm gonna need. Somebody to lean on!"

"Keptin? Are you all right?" Chekov asked.

Jim grinned drunkenly at Chekov and nodded.

"I'm fine, Chekov," he slurred. He took a deep breath and Chekov winced as Jim continued to sing. "Please swallow your pride. If I have things you need to borrow. For no one can fill those of your needs. That you don't let show."

"Captain, I must insist that you remove yourself from the bridge," Spock said. "You are disturbing our work."

"Spock!" Jim exclaimed as if he had just noticed his first officer for the first time. Spock looked a little annoyed as the Captain burst into another round of _Lean on Me_.

"Should we do something about him?" Chekov asked, looking concernedly at Jim, who was now standing on one of the chairs and singing gleefully to the stars rushing by outside.

"I will call Doctor McCoy," Spock said. He sat down on the Captain's chair as Jim climbed onto the control panel.

"Hurry, Commander," Chekov said worriedly as Jim belted out the lyrics.

"If there is a load you have to bear, that you can't carry," he sang. "I'm right up the road. I'll share your load. If you just call me!"

_"McCoy here,"_ the doctor's gruff voice interrupted Jim's singing.

Jim froze for a moment, a look of pure joy crossing his face.

"Bones!" he called.

_"What the hell is going on up there, Spock?"_ McCoy demanded.

"I believe that the Captain is inebriated," Spock said.  
"So just call on me brother, when you need a hand. We all need somebody to lean on. I just might have a problem that you'd understand. We all need somebody to lean on," Jim sang.

_"I'll be right there,"_ McCoy said.

"I suggest that you hurry," Spock said.

_"Yeah, yeah, just keep him out of trouble," _McCoy replied.

"Bones! Wait! Don't go!" Jim said, stumbling as he took a flying leap off the control panel.

He landed on the ground with a resounding _thud_. Blood seeped from a hairline cut above his brow. Jim was knocked unconscious.

_"Spock? What the hell just happened?"_ McCoy demanded.

"The Captain has jumped off the control panel," Spock said.

_"Is he okay?"_ McCoy demanded.

"Keptin?" Chekov asked, leaving his post to crouch down beside the unconscious man. "Keptin?"

"Ensign?" Spock inquired. "Is the Captain okay?"

Chekov winced as he moved his face toward the Captain's.

"He's still singing!" Chekov exclaimed.

_"I'll be right there,"_ McCoy said. _"Keep him calm. And preferably off of the control panel."_

* * *

Jim came to slowly, groaning as he opened his eyes to the bright light.

"Lights, twenty percent," he got out.

His stomach rolled and his head felt as though it were trying to split in two. The lights mercifully lowered.

"Gah, what the hell happened?" he asked to no one in particular.

Jim slowly began to take in his surroundings. He recognized where he was with another groan. He was in sick bay. Which meant his drinking binge with Scotty hadn't gone so well last night.

Jim remembered bits and pieces of the events of the night before. Or whenever it was he had been drinking with Scotty. He remembered downing at least two bottles of a strange blue liquid and another bottle of scotch with a couple of beers. But he didn't remember ever leaving Scotty's cabin or getting to sick bay.

Jim was about to break out of sick bay when Bones walked in, uncharacteristically cheery and whistling a tune that sounded suspiciously like _Lean on Me,_ one of Jim's least favorite songs. Ever. Jim groaned as the lights went back to full power.

"Good morning, sunshine!" Bones said, smiling. The look alone made Jim want to throw up. "How are you feeling?"

"Lights, twenty percent," Jim said, covering his face with his hands. "What the hell happened last night?"

"You don't remember?" Bones asked. "Hmm. Must be the concussion."

"Concussion?" Jim asked, puzzled. "How did I get a frigging _concussion_?"

"Falling off the control panel on the bridge," Bones said, barely hiding a smirk.

Jim gaped at his friend, trying to think of a reply while the doctor prepared a hypo.

"What?" Jim finally asked as Bones walked toward him.

"You apparently got stone drunk last night and went to the bridge after you left Scotty's," Bones said, jamming the hypospray into Jim's neck. Jim barely felt it. "You are officially off duty for the duration of our journey to the Laurentian system for misconduct and disruption of the bridge."

Jim stared.

"Huh?"

"Those were Spock's words," Bones said, grimacing. "You got drunk, you went to the bridge, and started singing _Lean on Me_ and disrupting the late shift. Then, you started climbing all over the control panels, while serenading Chekov apparently, and then fell off, hit your head on the floor, and passed out."

_Huh_, Jim thought. _To use a word out of Spock's book… Fascinating. _

"Did I at least sound decent?" Jim asked, grinning.

Bones scowled, jamming the next hypospray into Jim's next with more force than necessary.

"OW!" Jim protested, rubbing his now sore neck.

"You sounded like a dying cat," Bones growled.

Jim grinned again.

* * *

**_Next week's Quirk: _**McFlurry, _in which Jim nearly dies after eating a McFlurry. **Stay tuned for more crack!!**_


	13. McFlurry

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note: So. This is the story that kind of started the whole 'Quirks of Jim Kirk' adventure. I was writing another story that will eventually be posted here (it's the nuStar Trek adaptaion of _Journey to Babel_) when I made a reference to Jim getting poisoned by a McFlurry and Bones getting mad. I realized that I wanted to write that. So I did, obviously. Then I went back and wrote Apple, which got the ball rolling, and then things escalated from there. So. This is the original Quirk. I hope you all enjoy it.**

**Author's Note 2: I know, there probably will not be McDonalds in the future, but hey, it's Jim. If he wants a McFlurry then he is going to get a McFlurry.**

**Author's Note 3: I probably break all sorts of unspoken but heavily implied Trekkie codes by making reference to _Star Wars _in this... but whatever. I like _Star Trek _better, hence the reason why I'm writing STAR TREK FanFiction versus STAR WARS. So. I apologize if this makes me like some sort of outcast from the Trekkiedom and if I have to wear a bag over my head that says 'I love Trek' then I will do so. **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 13**

**McFlurry**

_In which Jim nearly dies after eating a McFlurry._

All Jim wanted was a McFlurry. An Oreo one with extra Oreos. He had been craving one since the _Enterprise_ had returned to Earth after their 'shake-down' mission to Centurian XV.

On the third day of their shore leave, Jim had had enough of craving the vanilla ice cream and chocolate cookie combination, so he decided to go to the nearest McDonalds and get one. He invited any one and everyone to come, but no one accepted his invitation. It would definitely be the first and last time anyone on the _Enterprise_ refused any sort of invitation from their Captain.

Jim walked down to the McDonalds near Starfleet Academy; glad to be free of the nearly claustrophobic walls, if only for a little while. It was a beautiful San Franciscan day. The sky was clear and blue, the sun beating down and warming the air. Jim decided to go surfing after he got his McFlurry.

There were only a handful of people in the McDonalds when Jim walked in. It wasn't unusual—it was the middle of a workday for most people. Jim was lucky that he didn't have a class to teach that day. Since the Nero incident, the Academy had been pressed for teachers and staff. Many of the cadets who had been close to graduating were forced to step into roles of teacher instead of being a student. Jim had been one of the fortunate few who escaped mostly unscathed with the excuse of running a flagship.

Jim pushed away any thought of what had happened during the events with Nero out of his head as he stepped in front of the counter. A blue skinned Andorian woman was working the counter. Jim gave her his customary womanizing grin and ordered his Oreo McFlurry.

As Jim sat and waited for his McFlurry to be ready, he completely missed the commotion happening in the kitchens. He would later blame it on the late night drinking binge he had gone on with Bones the night before, but he totally missed the tall Romulan decked out in a black cloak and wicked looking tattoos enter the McDonalds and drop a small vial into the McFlurry machine.

The blue skinned Andorian woman returned a few minutes later, carrying the large Oreo McFlurry. If her smile seemed a little forced, Jim didn't notice. Instead, he thanked her for the ice creamy goodness and paid her the necessary credits. He turned and walked toward the door, taking a sip of the McFlurry.

The scream behind him should have alerted him that something was wrong. If that hadn't, then the inability to breathe certainly should have. Jim's last thoughts before he lost consciousness were _damn it, Bones is going to kill me_.

He passed out on the floor in front of the McDonalds' play area, the Oreo McFlurry going everywhere.

_

* * *

_

"Damn it, Jim."

_"Is he going to be okay?"_

_"Keptin?"_

There was a sharp prick followed by an all too familiar _swoosh_ as a hypospray was injected into his neck. Jim groaned as he forced his eyes open, feeling as though he had been run over by a star ship.

He found himself staring up into the familiar ceiling of the sickbay with the familiar faces of Bones, Sulu, and Chekov staring over him.

"What happened?" Jim asked.

It came out more of a jumble of words, but somehow, Bones managed to understand him.

"You were poisoned," the doctor said in a hard voice. "Then you had a god damned allergic reaction to the poison and passed out in front of the play area at McDonalds. You're lucky that Chekov wanted his _Star Wars_ Happy Meal and found you, or otherwise you wouldn't be here right now."

"Oh," Jim said, trying to force himself into a sitting position. The sick bay spun wildly and he collapsed back down on the bed.

"Damn it, Jim," Bones said with a sigh. "What the hell were you doing at McDonalds anyway?"

"I wanted a McFlurry," Jim muttered. "I didn't think that it'd be poisoned."

"No more McFlurries," Bones growled. "And no more going anywhere without an escort."

"Bones," Jim whined.

"No," the doctor said. "I don't want to hear it. You nearly _died_, Jim, from eating one of those damned things."

Jim pouted, not caring if he looked like a little kid. Chekov laughed and Sulu grinned. Both gestures disappeared when Bones glared at them.

"Out," McCoy growled. "Before I give you something to be in here about. And tell that damn green blooded hobgoblin that I want to talk to him."

The two scurried off, leaving Bones alone with Jim.

"You shouldn't be so hard on them," Jim said, yawning. He was suddenly exhausted and his chest was hurting.

"You should learn to save the crazy crap for when I'm around," Bones growled.

"I'm sorry," Jim said yawning again. His eyes were falling shut when the sick bay doors opened again, admitting Spock.

"Be nice," Jim muttered. "The _Enterprise_ needs someone to captain her for a while."

"We're on shore leave, Jim," Bones muttered back. "And I'll behave if he does."

"And you call me childish," Jim murmured.

He heard Bones sigh and leave the side of the bed. There were quiet voices as Spock asked about Jim's health and Bones told him with a few choice swear words to describe how much of an idiot Jim was. Jim smiled.

"Captain?"

Jim forced his eyes open again at the sound of Spock's voice. He blinked, unaccustomed to the close proximity he suddenly found himself in with his first officer.

"Spock," he said tiredly. "What do you want?"

"Doctor McCoy told me that you had a near death experience," Spock said.

Jim swore that there was a glint of amusement in Spock's dark eyes.

"So?" Jim asked.

"Over what you humans call a McFlurry," Spock said. "What exactly is a McFlurry?"

"It's ice cream, Spock," Jim said, not really want to get into a discussion about McFlurries about all things when he was exhausted and McFlurry-less.

"I see," Spock said. "Are you feeling all right, Captain?"

"M'tired, Spock," Jim said, closing his eyes again. "But I'll live."

"For now," Bones muttered darkly. Jim didn't have the strength to open his eyes and glare at his best friend.

He heard Spock say something and then Bones say something else, but Jim couldn't bring himself to care what they were talking about. He let out a weary sigh and then was asleep.

* * *

When Jim woke again, something was different. He couldn't put a finger on it—the sick bay looked normal even though it was empty—but something seemed different.

The sick bay doors swooshed open and Spock walked in with Bones right behind him, looking irate.

"Don't you dare give him that, you green blooded pointy eared hobgoblin," Bones yelled.

"Whazzgoinon?" Jim asked, feeling as though he was having a really strange dream.

"You have stated that the Captain is perfectly healthy, outside of the fact that you keep sedating him to make him rest," Spock said.

Jim glared at his so called best friend.

"Spock," Bones protested.

"I see no reason why the Captain should not be allowed to have this," Spock said.

Jim forced himself into a sitting position, trying to see whatever it was his two supposed friends were arguing over.

"You mean other than the fact he nearly _died_ the last time he had one?" Bones demanded.

"That was because of a Romulan poison that the Captain had a high sensitivity to," Spock said. "I assure you, Doctor McCoy, this McFlurry is perfectly harmless."

Jim's eyes widened. _Spock_ had bought _Jim_ a McFlurry? What was the world coming to?

"Bones," Jim said, trying to look as pathetic as possible. "Please?"

Between Spock's emotionless logic and Jim's pathetic, _I'm-sick-and-really-want-a-McFlurry_ look, Bones never stood a chance.

"All right!" the doctor yelled, throwing his hands up. "But damn it, Jim, if you get sick because of that thing, I am going to let you die, Starfleet be damned."

Jim smirked as his best friend stormed off, looking frustrated. Spock looked faintly amused.

"You got me a McFlurry?" Jim asked.

Spock produced the item in question. Jim was shocked as he accepted the Oreo McFlurry with extra oreos.

"I made sure that there was no Romulan poison in the drink before I brought it onboard the _Enterprise_," Spock said. "Doctor McCoy acted illogically and emotionally."

"Thank you, Spock," Jim said, amused as he sipped at his McFlurry. It was easily the best one he had ever had.

"Mr. Scott also programmed McFlurries into the replicator," Spock said. "Apparently, you were not the only one who wanted a McFlurry."

_That decides it_, Jim thought. He had the best damned crew in the entire fleet.

* * *

_**Next week's Quirk:** _Near Death Experiences, _in which the crew realizes that the only reason why they have so many near death experiences is because of their captain. **Stay tuned for more crack!!**_


	14. Near Death Experiences

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note: Okay.... I'm not sure how much I like this one. I wrote it in about fifteen minutes at, like... 2 in the morning, so if it completely sucks, I apologize. But... I didn't have the energy to go back and rewrite this, so it's staying. **

**Thank you all to the wonderful reviews you have been giving me. I am going to start replying to those here shortly, once I get the kinks on my computer worked out. It's convinced it has a virus, even though I have run the virus scan on it six times and it hasn't shown anything. Sigh. Stupid school-issued laptops. **

**Anyway. I hope you enjoy this.**

**Plus, if any of you have any suggestions for 'O', that'd be great. I currently have nothing. **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 14**

**Near Death Experiences**

_____In which the crew realizes that the only reason why they have so many near death experiences is because of their captain_

It occurred to the members of the _Enterprise_ one starry afternoon that they had more near death experiences then any other crew in the Federation. It was Scotty, amazingly, who had made this discovery.

The _Enterprise_ had been sent to a hostile planet for peace negotiations. Apparently, the planet had deposits of crystal dillithium that would be valuable for the Federation. There were also other advantages to the planet as well, if the Federation could ever work out a treaty with the current inhabitants.

Jim, Scotty, Chekov, Doctor McCoy, and Spock were the members of the team sent down to the discussions. They were assisted by an admiral whose name no one remembered and who no one actually liked.

The away team had been planet-side for all of an hour before war broke out between the inhabitants and the Federation. Scotty and McCoy got out with barely a scratch and a bruise between them. They were beamed back aboard the ship almost immediately by an irate Uhura who had wanted to be a member of the away team but had been refused on the account that it was too dangerous. Spock was next to be beamed back, suffering a bruise and a broken wrist.

Communications with Jim and Chekov were cut off almost as soon as Spock was back on board the _Enterprise_. McCoy was swearing at anything that moved and demanding to go back down to the planet to rescue the stupid assed idiot and Scotty was trying to fix the transporter to beam back the Captain and the navigator based on their life signals.

Scotty was successful, though he had had sixteen death threats, two offers of being sedated, and a general 'you're going to hell if you don't get them back' by McCoy before Chekov and Jim were beamed back aboard.

Jim was more or less fine—he had suffered a concussion and a few broken ribs, but would survive. It was Chekov that everyone was worried about. Scotty wasn't too clear on the specifics, but he knew that it was bad for the young genius.

Things went on as normal, even though Chekov was laid up in sick bay and Jim was hovering around, making everyone nervous. It struck Scotty at that moment that this wasn't the first time that this had happened—it was just the first time that it had happened to Chekov. He thought back and realized that just about every single away mission that the_ Enterprise_ went on ended in disaster, especially if they took Jim with them.

Curious and bored more then anything else, Scotty hacked into some of the other Federation ships' databases to check their injury rate against the _Enterprise's_.

Scotty had been sifting through the computerized records for over an hour and a half when he noticed a pattern. Startled, he went back and reread all the records prior to his discovery and realized that it occurred every single time.

Every other ship had less injuries then the _Enterprise _did. Even in the most dangerous of situations, such as the one like the away mission that landed Chekov in sick bay, the other ships came away with less injured people.

But although the _Enterprise_ had more near-death experiences then any other ship in the Federation, they also had less deaths then any other ship in the galaxy. It was almost ten-one.

And Scotty knew that the only reason why that was true was because of their Captain.

"I like this ship," Scotty said with a grin.

* * *

**_Next week's Quirk: _**Open, _in which the author has no idea what she's going to write yet. **Stay tuned for more crack!!**_


	15. Over

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note: I apologize sincerely for this being late. I looked at the clock one minute and it was just after I updated last and the next time I looked up, it was close to two months later! Life got in the way and I am so sorry. I never meant to let you awesomely wonderfully amazing readers down. I hope that you guys will eventually forgive me. If not, I totally understand, but I want to say thank you for reading up until this point.**

**Author's Note 2: I dedicate this one to all graduating seniors, including my darling sister, because unlike the rest of us, they know what it's like for something to be truly over. And I dedicate this to everyone who has graduated, for you understand that feeling too. **

**Author's Note 3: If this isn't amazing, I apologize. I wrote it in about ten minutes flat, so there are probably a lot of mistakes. Sorry!**

**Author's Note 4: This one is kind of angsty... but then I make up for it with Bones. No Spock, though. He tried to insert himself in the story, but then he decided that he didn't want to be in it unless there was Uhura and Scotty and fifteen more pages of words. So... he isn't in here. He'll hopefully be in the next chapter.**

**Author's Note 5 (sorry I'm so talkative tonight): I will hopefully have the next update on Saturday. I'm having an all day write-a-thon with a friend, so hopefully, we'll be able to write at least one or two of these things then. **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 15**

**Over**

_In which it hits Jim that life at the Academy is over._

Jim stared at the gold shirt in his hands that had just been handed to him by the supply officer. He couldn't believe what being given the shirt signified. It meant that he had completed the command track in an unbelievable three years (although technically, it was two and a half because Nero made graduation six months earlier than planned). It meant that he had passed every single course (well, most every single course. Diplomacy 101 for Dummies didn't really count), a feat that he hadn't believed or wanted to be possible. He would willing admit to cheating off of Bones for the majority of the time and bull shitting his way the rest. The golden material showed that he had not only graduated from Starfleet Academy, but he did it with honor and integrity and not a least bit smugness.

The shirt that Jim would wear for the rest of his Starfleet career also symbolized darker, less pleasant things. It meant that Vulcan had been lost and over six billion innocents had died. It meant that Jim had to face down his father's murderer and survived. It showed that there had been a terrible slaughter where almost the entire senior cadet class, save for a little over two hundred of them, perished.

But whatever the shirt stood for or symbolized to other people, what it truly meant was that the days of hell were _over_. Jim would finally be Captain of the _USS Enterprise_ and spend the next five years sailing around space with Bones and Spock, who would eventually become a close friend.

"Damn it, Jim, quit admiring yourself in the mirror and get your ass out here! The ceremony's going to be starting soon!"

Jim was started out of his deep thoughts and blinked. He hadn't realized that he had been in his bunk's bathroom for over half an hour. Feeling somewhat out of sorts, he pulled the shirt on and quickly smoothed it down, admiring how the golden fabric went together nicely with the black undershirt. A tingle of fear, anticipation, and overall giddiness shot through him as he walked out the door.

"About damn time," Bones muttered as Jim stepped into the corridor. "You do realize that as a chief medical officer I have better things to do than to wait around for you to finish primping."

Jim barely heard a word his friend said, but the second he was done, Jim clapped a hand on his shoulder.

"Bones," he said. "You think way too damn much. Let's go find some booze."

"Different shirt, same idiotic _kid_," Bones grumbled as the two set off. "I swear that if you get hurt, I am not patching your sorry ass back together."

"That's no way to talk to your _captain_," Jim smirked, pointing a finger at his gold shirt just to prove that he was higher ranked than his friend.

Bones growled something about Jim doing something that was more than likely anatomically impossible with his shirt and rank. Jim smirked, glad that some things would never change.

* * *

_**Next week's Quirk:** _Prank Wars, _in which the crew and Jim get into an epic prank war. **Stay tuned for more crack!**_

**Author's Note 6: If you have any pranks you would like to see featured, review and tell me! **


	16. Prank Wars

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note: Wow... I think I must have spaced out on this story... cause I totally meant to update it much, much sooner than when I did. And you would think that I would have had all the time before now... seeing as school just started back up and all that jazz. But I'm finding that I do more writing at school then I do at home during the summer... so I think from now on... I will be taking a hiatus in the summer and doing all of my writing during the school year. Have no fear, this story should be long over by then.**

**Author's Note 2: I apologize... more than ever for not being a better author. I would say I didn't have the time... but I don't want to lie to you guys. As I said, for some reason I don't write in the summer. However. I should be writing more now. If I don't have the next one up by Tuesday or next Saturday at the latest, you have my permission to stalk me, murder me, and then dump my body down the airlock. Sound good?**

**Author's Note 3: I took all of your suggestions and tried to work them in the best I could. I couldn't get the one about water cups on doors... cause the _Enterprise _doesn't really have doors in the strictest sense. I am sorry for that... but I hope you do enjoy the story otherwise. **

**And now... for your reading and reviewing pleasure, after nearly what feels like a lightyear of silence... **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 16**

**Prank Wars**

_In which the crew and Jim get into an epic prank war._

Jim felt warm and strangely peaceful as he slowly opened his eyes. Birds were singing and somewhere in the distance, waves could be heard. A ray of sunshine was beating down on his eyes.

_Wait,_ Jim thought sleepily. _Sunshine? Waves? _

He forced his eyes open and sat up with a start. He had gone to bed in his bunk on the _Enterprise_, but that was not where he had woken up.

He was on a deserted beach on some unknown planet. Jim mentally calculated the odds of this being some weird dream, but quickly dismissed them. If it had been a dream, then there would have been at least one hot girl.

There were sounds of giggling coming through a metallic object like a communicator. Jim saw red as he deduced what must have happened.

"SCOTTY!" he shouted.

There was more laughter, followed by a warm, tingling golden light and more laughter as the transporter pad of the _Enterprise_ came into view. Jim was absolutely livid as he stepped off the pad and into the crowded room, filled with the majority of the women onboard the ship, Scotty, and Bones, who looked like he was a cat that had swallowed a canary.

"Looking good, Captain!" one of the nurses hollered.

Jim realized that most of the looks he was receiving were aimed downward. He looked down, noticing for the first time that he was stark naked.

He flushed a deep, tomato red as the nurses giggled and cheered. Someone, Bones possibly, threw him a towel. Jim ignored it, allowing it to land on the floor with a gentle _thud_.

"Engineer Scott," he said in his best captain's voice. "Report to my office in twenty minutes for disciplinary action. Everyone else, get the hell out of my way or you will all be court marshaled."

There was another round of giggles before there was a little path to the exit to room. Jim walked stiffly out of the room amidst a rousing chorus of applause. He paused at the door to the room and bowed generously. One of the nurses swooned. Bones looked livid.

Grinning, Jim walked out of the transporter room thinking of ways to get Scotty back… and walked right into his first officer. Spock glanced at Jim, raising an eyebrow, but saying nothing.

"This isn't what it looks like," Jim muttered, feeling the need to explain himself. He didn't want his first officer thinking that he just randomly walked around the ship in the nude. The female staff—and a small portion of the males—would never get anything done that way.

"So Engineer Scott did not transport you onto the surface of Alpha Nine without clothing and then transport you back into a transporter room full of nurses?" Spock asked his eyebrow inching up toward his hair line.

Jim scowled. His first officer was in on it. He should have known.

"If you will excuse me, Mr. Spock, I need to return to my quarters," Jim said feeling an odd draft in a place where there shouldn't have been a draft.

Spock merely bowed his head once and moved out of the way. As Jim walked toward the turbo lift, feeling extremely exposed, he could have sworn that he heard Spock _laugh_.

"Green blooded hobgoblin," he muttered.

* * *

The next few hours were highly embarrassing—which was saying something, because this is Kirk we are talking about. You know, the guy who once told Bones that the only reason why he didn't go to class in the nude was because he didn't want the guys to feel sorry for themselves and he didn't want the girls to fail admirably at their coursework. Every once in a while, Jim was known to be slightly aware of the other people around him.

But for the entire morning after Scotty's 'little' prank (the engineer's words), Jim was faced with catcalls and marriage proposals. On any normal day, Jim would have loved all the attention. Oh hell, he was enjoying the attention, much to Bones' chagrin. Jim especially enjoyed it when one of the nurses asked in a particularly loud voice if he could schedule one nude day a month for morale purposes. Chekov, who was manning the helm, turned a dark shade of red and promptly ran out of the bridge, mumbling incoherent phrases in Russian. Jim burst out laughing at that.

But as much as he was enjoying the attention, Jim had a nagging suspicion that this prank was just the beginning. And the slightly smug look on Spock's face during lunch confirmed that suspicion.

_Well,_ Jim thought viciously. _If you can't beat 'em… join them._ He suddenly had a wonderful picture of the Vulcan's black hair being dyed white and instantly became more cheerful.

* * *

Bones should have known something was wrong with Jim the second the younger man came into the sick bay without anything gushing blood or severely broken. He definitely shouldn't have allowed Jim to walk out of the supply room with ten gallons of straight bleach. But then again, he would have missed out on the amazing sight of a very white haired Spock. And that was worth all of the angry requisition officers in Starfleet.

* * *

Scotty knew he was in trouble the second he saw the feral grin on his Captain's face during breakfast one morning about two weeks after the nude visit to Alpha Nine. He knew in that moment that he should never have taken Uhura's offer of an illegal still on the engineering deck in exchange for a couple of small favors with the transporter. It wasn't like the Captain would care about the still anyway—Scotty had a feeling the younger man kept one in his own room and was just disinclined to share with the rest of them.

Still, nothing would have quite prepared him for the sight waiting for him when he walked down to the engineering deck later that day.

Two hundred thousand tribbles littered around the room. They were _everywhere_, from the hydraulics system, to the engine boosters, to even Scotty's sandwiches!

"Bloody hell!" he exclaimed.

At that moment, the Klingons, of course, decided to attack. Alongside of the alarms blaring, the screaming orders from the Captain, to which Scotty always replied, "I'm giving 'er all she's got, Captain!", the poor, innocent chief engineer who only listened to Uhura so he could make his homemade scotch had to deal with two hundred thousand tribbles squealing their heads off. Or fluff off. Or… well. You get the point.

* * *

The _Enterprise_ won the battle against the Klingon war birds despite (or maybe because of) the mass of tribbles in the engineering deck. And with the sudden calm came an enraged Scot, a stuck Vulcan (Jim was still puzzled at how someone managed to glue Spock to his chair—did they have a death wish?), and a very amused (well, less grouchy) looking Bones. It might have had something to do with said Vulcan's stark white hair (Jim was still amazed at how he pulled that one off—it involved lots and lots of special ninja skills that he had taken a vow of secrecy never to repeat), or it might have had something to do with the fact that the doctor had the opportunity to mercilessly hypo Jim (who, of course, wound up with three broken ribs, a fractured skull, and a concussion—not from the Klingons, but from when he slipped on a banana peel going down to the mess hall).

And like most overgrown children, whenever the opportunity arises, harmless pranks will be escalated into a full scale prank war.

It started after the banana peel incident (which Jim still swears was on purpose). Sulu slipped a little bit of vodka into Chekov's drink during lunch and more than a little during dinner. Soon, the Russian was singing the Russian national anthem at the top of his lungs (not unlike when Jim got drunk and sang _Lean on Me_).

In retaliation, Chekov put itching powder in Sulu's pants. Sulu, who was allergic to almost nothing, was allergic to itching powder. He spent the rest of the shift in a great deal of embarrassment and pain until Jim had the mercy to dismiss him to sick bay.

Uhura's communication pieces went missing. Spock got glued to his chair again. The Captain's shirts (much to the female staff's pleasure) got mysteriously shredded. Scotty—who managed to detribblefy the engineering deck—wound up with quarters full of alarm clocks that would not go off. Jim ended up with a tribble down his pants (no one was quite sure how).

The one person who remained unpranked throughout all of this insanity was, of course, Dr. McCoy. And being his best friend, Jim was the first one to notice. And, being the young, snarky man he was, decided to act.

He called a secret meeting of all the important officers—Spock included and Dr. McCoy excluded—and they came up with a plan. They were going to pull the ultimate prank on Bones.

* * *

Bones was wondering what all the fuss was about celebrating Spock's birthday. For all he knew about Vulcans, he found it strange that Spock would celebrate his birthday.

"Jim," Bones began to protest for the thousandth time that evening. "Spock probably doesn't even celebrate his birthday!"

"Of course he does," Jim shot back. "He is half human after all."

"I wouldn't remind him of that if I were you," Sulu suggested as he joined the Captain and the CMO. He looked… giddy, which McCoy found seriously strange. The helmsman was usually one of the few people that McCoy respected because he wasn't a stark raving lunatic (it wasn't Sulu's fault after all that he fell off the drill. However, it was Kirk's fault that he jumped off).

McCoy just wrote it off as relief that the helmsman hadn't been in the sick bay that day (Sulu had ended up with itching powder allergic reactions fifteen times since the original prank… and that had happened three days ago). And he didn't know what to make of Jim—who was alternating between bouncing off the walls and exchanging covert glances with the rest of the people that were on their way to the mess hall, where McCoy assumed the party was taking place.

What McCoy didn't know that while he was on his way to the mess hall with Jim and Sulu in order to celebrate a certain Vulcan's birthday (which actually was the truth), Nurse Chapel of all people was dutifully replacing all of the hypos with a concentrated form of laughing gas.

* * *

The party ended not long after 2 o'clock in the morning, which surprised everyone. Spock seemed genuinely pleased (at least, according to Uhura, who swore that she was going to kill Jim for the suggestive 'I bet he was pleased' accompanied by the leer he gave most people) and the party was voted a success—so long as it didn't have any weird ancient Vulcan food that Jim was fond of (no one knew why, of course).

Dr. McCoy returned to his quarters, only to find Nurse Chapel looking guilty as she sorted through the various supplies. He didn't make anything of it at the time—she might have kissed Spock in front of Uhura for all he cared (and he was too drunk to really care)—but come the following morning, he would definitely recall that look.

Jim was the first to arrive for a hangover shot. He was way too goddamn cheery for 5 o'clock in the morning (seriously, did he _ever_ sleep?) McCoy growled what passed for a hello in half-awake, grizzly doctor who hated to be woken up at odd ball hours because of some stupid kid speak and ignored the grin that did not mesh well with the blistering headache or the sensitivity to light that the younger man was complaining about. McCoy just wrote it off as the obnoxious paradox that was the Captain and sent the idiot on his merry way.

By lunchtime, McCoy was seriously beginning to get pissed off. Every single one of his patients who had left the sick bay had left it laughing hysterically. McCoy knew it wasn't his bedside manner and he knew it definitely wasn't a side effect of any of the drugs he was giving these people. Hangover medicine and antihistamines (for Kirk, of course, who apparently had a reaction to the hangover medicine that McCoy had given him earlier) were not supposed to induce hysteric bouts of giggling (and yes, that was Uhura who left here in giggles. Uhura. Giggling!)

"Damn space is making everyone crazy," McCoy muttered as he stalked down to the mess to get some food. He passed a couple of giggling ensigns and shook his head. He could have sworn he had treated them for migraines two hours earlier.

There were only two people in the mess who weren't laughing hysterically about nothing. Spock, of course, was one of them. Jim, amazingly, wasn't. It made McCoy worried—the Captain looked like absolute shit.

"I should have known that I was allergic," Jim was muttering to his first officer as McCoy stormed over.

"Should have known you were allergic to what?" McCoy demanded.

"Laughing gas," Spock said promptly, despite the fierce glare that Jim sent his way.

"Laughing gas?" McCoy asked, suddenly making sense of why everyone was in hysterics. He started to grow angry, missing the amused smirk that took the place of the depressed one on Kirk's face or the rather large hypo that was in the Captain's hand.

"Damnit Jim, how could you be so stupid? Are pranks really that important to you that you had to mess with my medical supplies? What if someone was seriously injured? What if they were dying? I couldn't give them laughing gas!"

There was a sudden, sharp prick in his neck, followed by an all familiar swooshing noise. Suddenly, McCoy found the whole situation extremely funny. He doubled over and started laughing.

"You know what?" he asked between bouts of laughter. Jim and Spock looked faintly alarmed while the rest of the crew in the mess hall gathered around with shocked, yet highly amused faces.

"What, Bones?" Jim asked warily.

"Laughter is the best medicine!"

* * *

Two hours later, when McCoy had fully recovered from the affects of the laughing gas, a very distinct, very loud "_Damnit Jim!"_ could be heard from the sick bay.

_**

* * *

**_

Next week's Quirk: Quack, in _which Jim becomes afraid of ducks. **Stay tuned for more crack!**_


	17. Quack

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note 1: So. I'm not gonna lie... this one is _interesting_ to say the least. There is a story behind it, like most of these little ficlets. A couple of years ago, a girl on my softball team started researching all sorts of fears and developed a fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck was watching her. I am completely serious. She would freak out every single time someone would make a quacking noise. So... like all good teammates, we all started quacking every single time she got up to bat. She'd freak out and hit the ball as hard as she could into the outfield. Anyway... this story was developed off that particular moment in time, cause I thought it was hysterically funny that someone would be afraid that a duck was watching them.**

**Author's Note 2: Pretty certain that this is the longest one I have written to date... though I'm not sure. Lean on Me and McFlurry might have possibly beaten this one.**

**Author's Note 3: I am behind on responding to your reviews... but I will get around to all of you! I promise! I love you guys too freaking much not to say thank you for all of your support. You guys are all AWESOME! **

**Author's Note 4: I would like to send a shoutout to Deb Lustig for all of her amazing help on this. I don't think this would have been half as decent without her. She was the one who recommended the ending scene where Jim wasn't completely crazy. I took it and kind of warped it around... but I think you'll like it all the same.**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 17**

**Quack**

_In which Jim is afraid of ducks._

In Spock's opinion, Wikipedia was a highly outdated page on a highly outdated mode of information. It was also Spock's opinion that his Captain had an illogical fascination with outdated modes of information. He still collected ancient paperback books from the early 21st Century and then tried to debate with Spock about who had the better writing style—Stephenie Meyer or a weird chick called Rori Manning. Spock was inclined to go with the latter, for he did not understand _why_ humans had an obsession with fantasy men that were immortal and sparkled.

Anyway, that debate was fruitless (for though Jim agreed that Rori's work was better, he understood the fad that took over the world for the better part of four years) and beside the point.

The point was, Jim was obsessed with weird things like the Internet. And like most people on the Internet, he discovered early on the wonderful site of Wikipedia.

It was a particularly slow day on the _Enterprise_ and Jim was bored. He had the brilliant idea to look up fears on the Internet because he had recently had a meeting with the big-wigs of Starfleet about respecting crew members' fears. Jim's somewhat logical assumption was that for him to understand the fears, he first had to know what they were. It was understandable, yes, but to all the crew on shift with Jim soon got more than a little annoyed with their Captain and his random spouting off of fears. He would find one that he found interesting—usually concerning sex and Bones and occasionally Spock—he would make an announcement to the rest of the bridge crew. After the one hundredth medical fear that Bones cussed Jim out about, Jim grew bored with Wikipedia and decided to branch out and try Googling some fears.

It was there, in the bridge, amongst his fellow crewmates, that Jim became afraid of ducks.

It was a relatively quiet day on the _Enterprise_. They were in the middle of space heading toward their next mission. Chekov and Sulu were manning the helm, Uhura was casually checking the communication frequencies in case there was any sudden change in plans, Spock was sitting at his station and playing with all of the bells and whistles there, and even McCoy and Scotty had ventured out of their black holes and were standing around on the bridge, staring off into the black vastness in front of them. And then there was Jim, sitting in the captain's chair and playing on the internet. He had a kid-like look of glee on his face as he tapped in yet another search for 'list of fears'.

"Hey, Bones!" Jim said. "Did you know that you have aviophobia? The fear of flying?"

It seriously would have been more amusing if it hadn't been the six thousandth time Jim had said that (and that was no exaggeration).

"Yes, goddamnit," Bones growled in response. "And did you know that I also have idiotphobia? The fear of idiocy? Especially yours?"

Kirk ignored the jibe and continued scrolling through the list of fears. Suddenly, he went very, very still and very, very quiet.

No one thought anything of it. If asked, they were thankful for the sudden silence. The Captain was beginning to get extremely annoying.

"Oh shit," Jim whispered, his face turning pale.

Everyone turned to look at him. Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Captain, may I inquire as to what has upset you?" he asked.

"Ducks," Jim said in a hoarse voice.

Bones and Scotty exchanged _what the hell is going on now_ looks. Uhura looked annoyed. Chekov and Sulu just looked befuddled.

"Ducks?" Spock asked, his eyebrow rising higher. Someone snickered.

"They're out there," Jim said standing up and clenching his fists. "And they're watching me. You. All of us. With their beady little eyes."

"Captain Kirk, I assure you that there are no ducks to be found anywhere on the _Enterprise_," Spock said. "However, if this is some form of psychotic break, Doctor McCoy will be more than willing to assist you in any logical manner."

"You damn green blooded hobgoblin," McCoy muttered, making it very clear that he did not like the Vulcan's slight insinuation that McCoy was not a logical being. Which, was true, but that was beside the point.

"You're working with the ducks," Jim whispered, his blue eyes darkening with fear and suspicion. "You're their ring leader. You're the reason why they're…" he gulped before continuing, "_watching _me."

Spock looked toward McCoy, who glared back in accusation. One would get the sense that Spock and McCoy were Jim's parents and they were trying to figure out who would get the misfortune of trying to talk some sense into the Captain.

It was a very heated staring contest, during which, Jim dropped to his hands and knees, crawling behind the captain's chair, peering out from underneath it and glaring mistrustfully at Spock.

McCoy was the first one to look away, sighing heavily as though a great wound to his pride had been dealt.

"Jim, come along now," he said in a false cheery voice. "We're going to the sick bay now where no duck or Vulcan-duck-ring-leader can find us."

Was it slightly scary that the latter part of that sentence sounded both like a veiled threat and a gleeful chuckle that the Vulcan would be forced to leave McCoy alone?

"No," Jim said, shaking his head wildly. It was a wonder that he didn't bang his head against the chair legs. "They can still watch us there. We must go where it's absolutely safe."

"And where that might be, Jim?" McCoy asked, suddenly looking very, very wary of his best friend.

Jim offered no response. Instead, he crawled out from underneath the captain's chair and stood up, still glaring cagily at Spock. He then proceeded to back out of the bridge, making it very clear that McCoy and only McCoy was to follow.

* * *

Jim's safe place turned out to be the nurses' shower, surprise, surprise. Bones sighed heavily as he followed his friend into one of the stalls.

"Jim, you idiot, what the hell are we doing in the nurses' shower?"

"They won't find us here," Jim stage whispered. "They won't think to look in here."

Bones had to admit that even despite the obvious bout of insanity Jim was currently suffering from, there was some sort of logic to that statement. And that was saying something.

"Well? What are we going to do while we're in here?" Bones asked, resigning himself to playing along with Jim until he could reach his hyposprays and thus sedate Jim until Spock had the opportunity to disable the Internet from the database and Bones had the chance to seek out therapy. For himself.

"We're not going to stay in here," Jim said promptly, losing some of the frightened little kid look. "We are going to rid the _Enterprise _of ducks."

"I see," Bones said, trying to remember why this guy was his best friend. "And how are we going to do that?"

Jim glanced around suspiciously, nearly jumping out of his skin when footsteps sounded outside.

"They've found us!" he hissed. He grabbed Bones' arm, ignoring the scathing look he received in turn. "Come on, we must find a new safe place. And we must find Chief Engineer Scott."

Bones honestly had no idea what Scotty had to do with any of this. He followed Jim out of the nurses' shower and into the deserted corridor.

"Walk quietly," Jim hissed when Bones bumped into something, swearing loudly. "Or the ducks will find us."

They crept forward cautiously. Rather, Jim crept forward while Bones merely rolled his eyes and trailed behind, muttering obscenities under his breath.

* * *

They had almost made it to the engineering deck when they ran into trouble. Chekov, who apparently had left the bridge for some reason or another, was standing in the middle of his quarters with the door wide open. In his arms, he cradled a baby duck.

Jim screamed. Chekov shrieked and dropped the duckling. Bones cursed. The duckling quacked, looking confused.

Before anyone had a chance to do anything else, Jim took off running down the hallway like a man possessed. The duckling, obviously extremely confused, waddled after Jim, quacking incessantly. If Bones hadn't already been fed up with the entire thing, he might have laughed hysterically at the sight of Jim being chased by a baby duck.

Instead, he turned toward Chekov and raised a threatening eyebrow. The poor Russian genius merely blushed a dark scarlet and muttered something in Russian.

"Ensign Chekov," McCoy said, using his best doctor and in charge voice. "Who gave you permission to keep the duck?"

"Commander Spock, sir," Chekov said promptly.

"He is out of his Vulcan mind," Bones muttered before leaving Chekov to wonder what was going on and proceeded to race after Jim and the baby duckling.

* * *

The annoying quacking. The oh so cute little downy head. The innocent eyes that just kept staring at him.

Jim took all of this in as he sat cross-legged on the observation deck and the baby duckling sat across from him. Staring at him.

"Every single one of your kind is watching me now, aren't they?" he asked in a slightly shaken whisper. "All of them. With their beady eyes."

The duckling quacked once, cocking its head inquiringly at Jim.

"If you tell them to stop, I will let Chekov keep you," Jim said. "You can stay on the ship. Hell, you can probably even get your own quarters if that's what you want. Just tell the rest of your kind to stop staring at me. And Spock. Tell him too."

The duckling quacked again, shuffling a little closer to Jim. Jim shot backward, letting out a little squeak of terror. The duck quacked in alarm and stopped, looking surprised.

"You're not allowed to come closer until you agree to my requests," Jim declared, trying to pretend as though he hadn't completely lost his mind. He was talking to a damn duck. That would not stop. Watching him.

The duck quacked again, this time sounding sad. Jim shook his head. Ducks did not sound sad. All they did was watch and quack and poop and do all sorts duck things.

"I'm sorry if I don't want a hundred of your cousins watching every move I make," Jim said. "It's freaking creepy!"

The duck stared at him, as though proving his point.

"See? There you go again with the watching! Cut it out, will you?"

The duck kept staring. Jim stared right back, suddenly angry. What right did this duck have to stare at him?

"That's it, duckling," he growled, reaching over and picking up the duck. The duck quacked wildly, struggling to get free. "You've done it now."

* * *

Bones found Jim inside the transporter room, fiddling with the controls with a concentrated look on his face. The doctor sighed as he looked toward the pad and saw the baby duckling standing there, looking pathetic.

"Jim, what are you doing with Chekov's duck?" he asked, suddenly feeling very, very old. Again.

"I am sending it to Starfleet," Jim muttered, looking completely serious. The duck quacked.

"Jim," Bones began angrily, trailing off as he got a good look at his friend. Jim's face was red and flushed, a sure sign that he had a fever. Plus, his hands were shaking, another sign that he wasn't doing his absolute best.

"Go 'way, Bones," Jim grumbled as Bones stalked over to him and placed a hand on his head. Jim's head was burning up.

"Damn it, Jim," Bones sighed, right before the captain collapsed, unconscious. The baby duckling quacked once before vanishing in a golden light.

* * *

It turned out that the Captain had been poisoned. It had been Scotty's brilliant deduction that a Klingon had snuck onboard the ship earlier that morning and put a hallucinogen in the Captain's orange juice (Doctor McCoy was the one who figured out the part about the hallucinogen). Exactly _how_ Scotty had figured out that a Klingon had been onboard, no one was quite certain. Nor was anyone certain how a Klingon got onboard undetected in the first place.

It turned out, for the latter at any rate, that duck droppings had ended up in the wiring in the detection program.

"Fascinating," was Spock's response.

Kirk's was to go on a ten minute tirade about how he hadn't been crazy after all. Ducks were really watching them all at all times.

Bones' was to merely hypo Jim.

Two weeks later, when Jim was completely recovered from the effects of the poison, the _Enterprise _received a missive from Admiral Pike, demanding who the hell had sent him a baby duckling.

_**

* * *

**_

**Next week's Quirk: Roommate**, in _which Jim and Bones become roommates. **Stay tuned for more crack! Also, if you have any specific scenes you would like to see between Jim and Bones... let me know! I'll try to work them in somehow!**______****_______


	18. Roommates

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note 1: This one is kind of jumpy... but I like it. The ending part is my favorite. I apologize for taking so long to get it up. At first, I thought I didn't like it, and then I decided I did... so yeah. I tried to work in everyone's ideas, but if I didn't, I apologize. **

**Author's Note 2: I am so behind on replying to your reviews, it's not even funny. I WILL catch up on that very, very soon. My life has been a little crazy lately, but don't worry. I still appreciate you guys and all the wonderful words you have given me. **

**Author's Note 3: Quick poll: would you rather have 'S' or 'T' include a bar fight? **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 18**

**Roommates**

_In which Jim and Bones act like roommates._

To be totally honest, Leonard never thought he would see that cocky, smug, genius kid with a black eye from the shuttle ever again. He was a med student after all and he knew from the two hour shuttle ride that James Tiberius Kirk was going into the advanced command track, trying to graduate from Starfleet as an officer in a suicidal three years. Stupid kid. Of course, Leonard hadn't exactly calculated in the odds of them going to the same bars, the stupid kid getting into bar fights, and then Leonard being the only stupid med student who had a need to defy authority every once in a while either. He was a doctor, not a mathematician.

However, Leonard never expected their acquaintance to go much beyond whatever it was at the moment they parted ways getting off the shuttle. And he sure as hell never expected the damn genius kid with the black eye to wind up as his roommate because no one else would room with the med student or the suicidal command track idiot.

Okay. Rewind. It was about halfway through the first quarter of Starfleet Academy. It was a particularly rough day—hell, all of them were rough, but this one was horrible—and Leonard needed a drink (like he did most evenings after the first few weeks of his second go round of college). It just so happened that the same night Leonard needed that drink was the remembrance of the _Kelvin_—genius suicidal kid's birthday. And it just so happened that they wound up in the same bar.

James Tiberius Kirk had already been there for at least two hours by the time Leonard had gotten there, judging by the amount of stagger that was in his step. Leonard would later—much, much later—find out that James—Jim—had skipped classes that day and had been in the bar since the night before. He was just good at holding his liquor.

They wound up sitting next to each other at the bar. Leonard with his usual bourbon, Jim with his hundredth beer of the night (and Leonard wasn't sure if that was an exaggeration or not).

They got to talking—or grumbling, as the case may be. Leonard complained about the fact that it was Joanna's birthday and he couldn't call her. Jim mumbled about the fact that it was his birthday and his dad had died twenty-two years ago to the date.

Then they got to complaining about their roommates—Leonard wasn't quite sure who changed the subject—and Jim did some fancy stuff with the computer which Leonard was quite certain wasn't legal and then they wound up being roommates.

There was probably a little more to it than that, but Leonard—or Bones, as Jim had renamed him—had a little too much to drink and forgot the rest.

The point of the matter—Leonard had wound up being roommates with the suicidal genius kid from the shuttle who he may or may not have thrown up on.

And it just went downhill from there.

* * *

"Jim, goddamnit, how many times do I have to tell you to pick up your dirty socks?" Bones shouted to the closed shower door, where Jim was singing quite loudly.

"How do I know she loves me? How do I know she cares?"

"And stop singing that godawful _Enchanted_ song! I don't give a damn if Gaila loves you or not!" Bones yelled, sighing heavily. He had a massive practical exam to study for and he couldn't concentrate. Not with Jim's slimy, dirty, and yes, _bloody_ socks hanging from his headboard. And don't even ask how they got there.

"How do I know?" Jim wailed. There was a _thump_, followed by some mild cursing. "Uh, Bones?"

"It's McCoy, you moron! And no, I don't care if you just gave yourself another concussion! I am not coming in there until you put some damn clothes on!"

"There's a spider in the bathroom. Could you, uh, kill it for me?"

Bones—_McCoy—_sighed. So much for studying. Idiot kid.

* * *

"Jesus Christ, Bones! I so did _not _need to see that!"

Jim's disgusted exclamation made McCoy jump. Nancy turned a deep, dark red underneath of him and buried her face in his pillow.

"Honestly, you hypocrite, can't you take your own advice?"

To a very naked McCoy's everlasting shame, Jim flounced into the room and sat down on the normally vacant bed.

"How're you, Nancy?" he asked politely.

"Jim," McCoy pleaded.

"You're right, I am being rude. I apologize for interrupting," Jim said. "I'm going to take a shower. Feel free to carry on! I won't mind! Just keep it down, will you?"

Nancy and McCoy both turned an even darker shade of red as Jim wandered over to the shower and closed the door.

* * *

"Damn it, Bones! That is the sixth time this week! Can't you at least have a little decency? What if I had brought Gaila back? She would have been forever turned off by the sight of you and _Chapel_ going at it! And she's an ORION for god's sake!"

* * *

"Damn it, Jim! Where the hell did all of my shirts go?"

McCoy was running late for his test. And Jim happened to be wearing one of McCoy's missing shirts. And McCoy was out of said shirts.

"Well, you see, there was this massive fire in my drawers," Jim began with a sly grin.

"You can stop right there before this becomes a sexual reference that makes me want to burn the image of you out of my brain forever," McCoy growled.

"I think we're finally beginning to get to know each other, Bones," Jim said, his grin growing into a smirk.

"It's MCCOY, you _idiot_!" McCoy shouted. "And give me back my damn shirt!"

* * *

"I think we should decorate," Jim announced one day.

Bones—_McCoy_—looked around the drab room and shrugged. He was in the middle of studying for his midterm exam in xenophysiology and really could care less what his roommate did. So long as it didn't involve large amounts of blood and possibly included a little alcohol, he was okay with it.

"Knock yourself out," he said.

"_Bones_," Jim huffed.

"It's McCoy," McCoy reminded him without even looking up from his textbook.

"_Bones_," Jim whined again. "I can't decorate all by myself. It would be _boring_ and you would _hate _it and then I would have to listen to you bitch about it the next two and a half years."

"You honestly think that we're going to make it the next two and a half years without killing each other?" McCoy asked dryly.

"C'mon, Bones, please?" Jim asked, pulling an innocent look. Damn kid could probably rob a bank with that look and get away with it. And that was without the super intelligent plan that went along with it.

"Fine," McCoy sighed. "It's not like I have an important test to study for anyway."

"I'll help you study," Jim offered.

McCoy looked at his roommate sideways for a moment. Though they had been in the same room for roughly a month and a half now, Leonard knew very, very little about the famous Jim Kirk. Even still, he highly doubted that Jim knew anything about xenophysiology.

"Please?" Jim pleaded.

"All right," McCoy sighed. "But only if you help me study. One of us has to act like a goddamn adult around here."

* * *

McCoy had to admit, the room looked better than he expected. Hell, he would even go as far as to say it looked _nice_. However messy Jim was (he had paint stains on ninety percent of his civilian clothes now), he had an excellent eye for color. And design. If Bones (_McCoy_, damnit) didn't know any better, he would have sworn that Jim was an interior decorator on the side.

And speaking of the decorator… Bones (_McCoy!)_ thought, looking over at the opposite side of the room where Jim was passed out on the bed, fast asleep. He was also halfway decent at xenophysiology too. The good doctor had managed to ace his test (the first one he had made above a C on all year) with all of the help Jim gave him. It was amazing how much clearer Klingon anatomy was when painted in different colors on the wall. It should have concerned Bones (sigh) that Jim knew so much about Klingons and where the best place to put a bullet to effectively kill, knock out, or severely maim them. But then again, this was _Kirk_. Bones had merely learned to accept things and move on.

* * *

Jim had to be a girl for the amount of time he had spent in the bathroom every day. Bones (McCoy goddamnit) wouldn't have minded if it weren't for the fact that every single time he came back from the hospital, Jim was in the damn shower. And every morning before class. And every lunch hour. And every afternoon. And every evening after the bar. Bones (_MCCOY!)_ was starting to get sick of it.

"Jim!" he yelled through the closed door. He could have sworn he heard feminine giggling. "I need to use the damn toilet!"

"There're plenty of trees out there!" Jim called back.

More female giggling.

"JIM! Do _not_ tell me that you have Gaila in there!" McCoy roared through the door. He really, really had to pee.

There was a pause, followed by some more female giggling that distinctly belonged to Gaila and a shush that definitely came from Jim.

"Jim!"

The door opened. A very, very naked Jim walked out of the bathroom, followed by a barely clothed Gaila. Her green skin glowed in the soft light… McCoy shut down that line of thought quickly. He had a girlfriend. Nancy (Chapel dumped him again for some surfer dude) was a very sweet, very willing woman.

"You're such a hypocrite, Bones," Jim complained as Gaila took her leave. Bones (Mc—oh, who the hell cares anymore?) couldn't help but watch her go.

"Bones!"

Bones blinked, turning his gaze back to Jim. He wished he hadn't. Not because he was embarrassed by the sight in front of him—he had seen it all before—but because of the smirk on his roommate's face.

"The bathroom's yours," Jim said, grinning.

"Put some damn clothes on," McCoy muttered. "I so do not need the entire female population in here tonight when I'm trying to get some sleep."

"Sleep, as in REM, or sleep, as in some intense activity involving a certain member of the female sex?" Jim teased.

"God damn idiot," McCoy growled as he pushed his way into the bathroom. Jim laughed.

* * *

Running in the rain was always hazardous to one's health. Even if you were Jim Kirk. He was not immune to the powers of the flu or strep throat or allergic reactions to the drugs for treating both of those cause the idiot got them both at the exact same time.

Still, Bones wished he could do something for his roommate, who was looking like a kicked puppy as he crouched over the toilet they had fought over the week before, trying not to lose the latest batch of chicken noodle soup.

"M'fine, Bones," Jim croaked, looking the polar opposite of fine.

"If by fine, you mean, deathly ill and too stupid to go to the damn hospital, then yes, you're completely fine," Bones said sardonically.

Jim cracked a weak smile. "Knew you'd agree."

"You need a hospital."

"No."

"Jim…" Bones tried his best 'I'm a doctor and I know best' voice. Needless to say, it failed admirably.

"Hate needles."

There was something about the extremely pathetic way Jim looked that made Bones think of his daughter for some reason. He sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair.

"C'mon," he said gently, wrapping an arm around Jim's shivering shoulders. "Let's get you into bed."

"Knew you were a kinky bastard," Jim mumbled, his eyes at half mast as he leaned heavily against Bones. "No wonder why I call you-."

He yawned before he could finish the sentence, stumbling. Bones caught him before he fell flat on his face.

"You need to stay awake a little while longer," the doctor said.

"M'tired, Bonesy," Jim complained. "I don't wanna move."

He yawned heavily again.

"Two more steps," Bones coaxed.

"'S your bed," Jim protested.

"You can have it. Don't want you bitching about the smell, though."

Jim had thrown up all over his sheets the night before. They hadn't exactly had time to change them yet.

Jim muttered something unintelligible as he half fell half lay down on Bones' bed. The short walk from the bathroom to the bed had completely exhausted him.

"Get some sleep, Jim," Bones said.

"Thank you," Jim murmured into the pillow.

"For what?" Bones asked, shocked that his roommate was actually thanking him for once.

"For everything," Jim mumbled.

Before Bones had the chance to formulate a reply, Jim was snoring. The doctor smiled slightly at the sight of Jim fast asleep before pulling a blanket over the younger man's shoulders.

"Damn idiot," he murmured softly.

_**

* * *

**_

**Next week's Quirk: Stupid**, _in which Jim gets into a barfight__. _**Or S***_in which, the readers get to choose what 'S' is and 'T' will be the barfight scene.__ **Stay tuned for more crack! **_


	19. Shindig

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note 1: Hiya! Hope you all aren't too angry at me for the length in between updates. Anyway... here's the next one. For those of you who have seen _Firefly_, you might recognize the basis of this chapter. For those of you who haven't, you really should start watching it. It was the best fourteen hours of television since _Star Trek_. :). **

**Author's Note 2: I am so behind on replying to your reviews, it's not even funny. I WILL catch up on that very, very soon. My life has been a little crazy lately, but don't worry. I still appreciate you guys and all the wonderful words you have given me. **

**Author's Note 3: Just a quick request: if you guys add this story to a C2, could you PM me or review this story and tell me that you did? I don't mind if you do so long as you tell me. Thanks!**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 19**

**Shindig**

_In which Jim is a gentleman_

It was an unarguable fact that Jim Kirk was a genius. Even Spock would occasionally admit that the Captain was smart—which, coming from a Vulcan and concerning a human, basically meant that the Captain was a genius.

But there were times were people doubted the intelligence of the Captain of the _USS Enterprise_. Like the time he glued Spock to a chair or the time he ate four gallons of ice cream on a dare. There was also that time before he enlisted in Starfleet where he tried to take on all of the new recruits singlehandedly in order to impress Uhura.

But this… this had to be the ultimate act of stupidity. And coming from a man who was almost a certified genius, that was saying something.

* * *

You would think that after two or three diplomatic missions concerning trade regulations that always ended in gunfights because of Jim's impeccably misplaced comment about a senator's wife, he would learn to keep his mouth shut and let Spock do all the talking.

You would think that after two or three choruses of _Lean on Me_ on the bridge that McCoy and Spock would take to hiding all of the bourbon and scotch from Scotty and Kirk.

You would think that after a dozen trips to the sick bay, Jim would learn that getting shot _hurt_ and hurt ten times worse when he had an allergic reaction on top of it.

But…

This is Jim. The genius. The kid captain. The idiot who was in the process of getting himself into a deadly duel with a foreign diplomat who called Uhura a whore…

Rewind.

* * *

It was a bright, starry morning onboard the _USS_ _Enterprise_. Everyone was in a good mood because they were coming off a three week shore leave. Doctor McCoy was less grouchy than usual and even Spock was being less… Spock than usual. Life was good.

Lieutenant Uhura received and relayed a mission from Starfleet. It was a simple mission, merely a meet and greet for a new planet of the Federation. It was a nonhostile, completely normal planet. The species was humanoid and supposedly intelligent.

The crew was invited planet side for a late lunch/early dinner. Jim, Doctor McCoy, Spock, Uhura, Chapel, and Scotty made up the away team. Sulu and Chekov were given the ship.

"Don't blow it up," was Jim's last order before beaming down.

It was fair—last time Sulu and Chekov had been given the bridge, it had somehow wound up being infested with ducks, much to Jim's chagrin. And then the ducks had somehow turned out to be infested with some form of alien disease that McCoy had a hell of a time figuring out a cure for. So, not blowing up the ship was definitely good advice.

Jim was the last one to beam down to the surface of a very normal, very drab looking planet. The scenery was flat, rocky, and had a few bushes here and there. There was a great shadow off in the distance that gave away the whereabouts of the town.

There was a cluster of strange people standing near the gathered away team. Jim assumed that these were the people he was supposed to meet with. His assumptions were confirmed as Spock greeted the tallest—a gray skinned male, with a shock of green hair and frightening purple eyes—with a nod of respect.

"This is Allaajar, Captain," Spock announced.

Allaajar looked from Jim to Spock with a look of obvious surprise. Jim ignored it—he was used to the look by now. Most people didn't expect the Captain of the Federation's newest flagship to be so _young_.

"I am Captain Kirk," Jim introduced himself.

Allaajar nodded once. Then he proceeded to lead the group down an unseen path, heading toward the very ominous looking shadow up ahead.

* * *

Lunch/dinner consisted of foreign meats, a couple of weird looking vegetables, and a mulled wine that tasted like cherries and apples. The crew of the _Enterprise_ thoroughly enjoyed their first hot meal in a long time that didn't consist of the weird vegetable like things that came out of the mess.

After the meal, Allaajar signaled to three people—two males and a female—and music started playing. One of the males carried what looked like a harp, the other a flute, and the female began to sing.

"It is the custom of our people to celebrate the arrival of new guests with feasting and dancing," Allaajar explained to a very bemused Jim and Spock.

"Really?" Jim asked, his eyes lighting up as he stared around at all of the female population, who were suddenly all staring right back at him.

"Lieutenant Uhura," Spock said, offering his hand to the young communications officer. Uhura blushed.

Allaajar looked strangely… annoyed, but both Jim and Spock ignored it.

* * *

The dancing continued for another hour. It would have lasted longer than that, but unfortunately, like most things involving Jim, bad things had to happen.

The first was Spock dancing with Uhura against the wishes of Allaajar. Apparently, Allaajar wanted to dance with the Lieutenant himself, and was very jealous when she accepted Spock's hand.

The next was Bones' dancing with Uhura, much against the wishes of Bones and Allaajar. Uhura, on the other hand, insisted that the grouchy old doctor got off his lazy ass at least once in his life and enjoyed himself. And that settled that.

The third was Jim interrupting said dance with Bones and dancing with Uhura himself after abandoning the female that wanted to dance with him. Uhura merely rolled her eyes and danced with him anyway.

By this time, Allaajar was beginning to feel a little… unkindly toward Jim, who apparently, had ended up dancing with Allaajar's wife. And, as it later turned out, dancing was a form of courtship. For Uhura to have danced with Spock, Bones, and Jim and for Jim to have danced with Allaajar's wife, meant that Uhura was, in a sense, a whore to the eyes of Allaajar and his people. They didn't really see Jim as one—in their eyes, Jim was merely enjoying himself like most men ought. But Uhura, on the other hand, should have known better than to dance with someone other than Spock or Allaajar, since Allaajar had wanted her to himself. And being a so-called _noble race_, Allaajar intended to do something about it.

So, he approached Jim and tapped him on the shoulder. Jim turned around, more surprised than annoyed.

"Yes, Allaajar?" he asked respectfully. "Would you like to dance with the lovely Uhura as well?"

In that moment, the mood of the party shifted. What had once been light and carefree was now tense. Jim noticed that many of Allaajar's guards had gone for their weapons.

"I believe that you, Captain, are dancing with the wrong woman," Allaajar said in a chilly voice.

Jim looked confused. He glanced at Uhura, who shrugged to say _I don't know what the hell is going on either_.

"I don't quite understand what you mean," he said.

"I mean that you, Captain, are an honorable man. This woman, on the other hand, is neither honorable nor respectable. You should not be dancing with her," Allaajar said.

The entire room went silent as Jim went from confused to furious in point two seconds. It was a new record, even for him.

"Lieutenant Uhura is not honorable?" he asked, his voice colder than anyone had ever heard it. "Or respectable?"

"She has danced with not only you, but with your Doctor McCoy and your Commander Spock," Allaajar said. "Among our people, we do not tolerate our women dancing with more than one man. It is, as you might call it, whoreish."

Jim snapped. Before anyone had the chance (or the willingness) to act, he brought his hand back and punched Allaajar as hard as he could in the face.

Allaajar hit the ground with a _thud_, silver blood spurting out of his nose. Immediately, his guards surrounded him, pointing their weapons at Jim.

"Captain," Uhura said softly as Jim glared at all of the aliens, his hand going to his phaser.

"Spock," Jim said. "Please escort our crew out of here."

"Jim," Bones began to protest.

By this point, Allaajar had stood up, placing a hand over his nose.

"Your challenge has been accepted, _Captain_," he said, spitting silver blood on to the ground by Jim's feet.

"What challenge?" Jim demanded.

"You have challenged me to a duel for your _Lieutenant_'s honor," Allaajar said. "It will be a fight to the death. Should I win, your Lieutenant will stay here and be imprisoned until she is dealt with at a later date. Should you win… your Lieutenant will be released to you and you will be able to leave here without conflict."

Jim stared. Bones cursed. Uhura looked as though she had just been struck by lightning. Spock looked… _green_. With anger.

"Captain, I suggest," he began.

"Spock," Jim said in his best Captain voice. "You will return to the _Enterprise_ immediately. Take Doctor McCoy with you. Lieutenant Uhura and I will remain here."

"The duel will take place in the morning," Allaajar said stiffly. "There is housing available in my quarters. I advise that you appoint a second in case of your… unfortunate demise."

* * *

It was bright and sunny the next morning. Jim went through his plan one more time before eating a quick breakfast that consisted of what tasted like ham and eggs but looked more like clam chowder. The second he was done with his breakfast, there was a knock at his door. It was Allaajar's second—Nuumerano.

"It is time for the duel," was all he said.

Jim followed the alien down a flight of stairs and outside into a small, rocky courtyard where Allaajar was waiting. A small crowd had gathered. Spock, Bones, and Uhura were amongst them. Jim wasn't surprised—Spock was his second and Bones was too stubborn to stay up on the ship.

"Let the duel begin," Nuumerano said.

Jim stared at Allaajar, trying to figure out _what_ exactly he was supposed to be doing. He had no weapon—though he had a sinking suspicion that Allaajar _did_. Sure enough, five seconds later, a deadly three-pronged sword that was crusted with a dark silver color that Jim knew to be blood.

"They say that you humans of the Federation bleed red," Allaajar said testing the sharpness of the longest blade. "I shall consider your blood a great prize for my _rjjuli_."

Silver dripped down the blade. Jim felt his body fill with adrenaline as he faced the prospect of what should have been a no-win situation. A feral grin spread his face.

* * *

No one was quite sure what happened during the duel. Spectators _do_ know that Jim was definitely the clear winner, but no one was quite sure how. As it appeared to most of the people, Jim did something fancy and pulled the three-pronged rjjuli out of Allaajar's hands and flung it aside. He had then tackled Allaajar and began punching the crap out of the alien's face. Nuumerano had come to Allaajar's aid—Jim ended up with a bloody and broken arm, much to Bones' chagrin—but had then been defeated when Spock joined in the fight. Between Spock and Jim, Allaajar had no chance.

Now, the aliens and the crew of the _Enterprise_ were gathered around a long table, eating lunch and laughing about the entire thing. Or, at least, Jim was. Spock was too solemn to laugh about anything, though he did have a slightly amused expression on his face that made everyone (except for Jim) within a five seat radius shiver. Bones was pissed. Allaajar looked murderous, but signed the peace treaty anyway. He hated the fact that Jim had done the honorable thing and left Allaajar alive. Uhura's honor had been reinstated. The _Enterprise _had been successful in their mission.

* * *

As they beamed back aboard the _Enterprise_, Jim looked around the planet sadly.

"I rather enjoyed that shindig," he said morosely. He turned to Spock and Bones. "D'ya think we can come back sometime?"

Spock raised an eyebrow. Bones growled something about idiots. Jim grinned.

_**

* * *

**_

**Next week's Quirk: Tribbles**, _in which Jim reveals his reason why he hates tribbles so much__.__ **Stay tuned for more crack! **_


	20. Tribbles

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note 1: Okay. So this one did _not_ want to be written. At all. It sat there and bitched at me for three weeks straight about how much it did not want to be written. And then I took a break and wrote some other stuff and came back to it and it still didn't want to be written. And then came the intervention of Algebra II class, a couple of really out there FanFics that I wrote, and the invention of cookie-zilla (that will be explained in a later chapter). Then, suddenly, _Tribbles_ decided that there was much more to life than sitting around crying about how much it sucked and didn't want to be written. It manned up (or fluffed up... take your pick) and decided Spock needed to be taken down a hole or two (while being completely awesome at the same time) and that Bones needed to be befuzzled some more (cause ... he does) and that Jim needed to have the Andorian flu (which I'm pretty sure, I made up... but oh well. It is going to be an insanely nasty bug that makes the receipient of said bug feel as though they have just been runover by a starship for forty-eight hours, an elephant the next ninety-six, throw-up for ten... and you get the picture). And then Scotty and Uhura and _TOS_ somehow managed to find its way in here. And yes, there is something similar (like distant cousin of your mother's best friend's uncle's estranged mother's dead ex-lover's boyfriend's pet skunk's flea similar) to a plot. And yes, this author's note is probably more cracky then the actual story. I do hope you enjoy. In other words, I apologize for the update being so late. On the plus side, I already have U written-even though it's possibly more insane than this author's note. It features said Cookie-Zilla from earlier. In great detail. With wings. Yes, I'm giving you tasty little hints as to what's coming next. And no, I'm not going to tell you what's coming next until it comes. I'm like a ninja like that. Or a pirate. Or a pirate ninja. Or Jim Kirk. Yeah, I like the last one the best too. Pirate Ninja Jim Kirk. Can anyone think of a way to incorporate that into a 'Y'? Then you'll get to read about it.**

**Thanks to Fifthdayofmay for your suggestions on this piece. Really, I did try to work them in. And then the aforementioned things happened. I apologize.**

**Also, there has been a lot of concern over the alarmingly small number of these things we have left. Have no fear: THERE WILL BE MORE! Maybe not in alphabetical order anymore... and maybe more sporadic and random then these later ones... but there will be more. It will have the completed sticker after 'Z' is complete... but I have so many more ideas for Kirk... *evil laughter*.**

**Oh... and remember that whole thing of none of these really being related? That's still kind of true... but they're all starting to blur together in an unrecognizable way... so just kind of go with it. I do make mentions to a lot of random Quirks in here. So... yeah. Just so you're warned.**

**ANYWAY! Y'all probably didn't want to read a page long author's note. _But_, that's what you're getting. I promise, underneath all of this bolded text, there is a story under here. Somewhere. You can skip to it now if you want. But wait. Hold on. If you want to. I'm looking for some ideas for Bones' revenge on everyone. Especially Jim, cause that laughing gas thing was _totally _his fault. Okay. Now you guys can go on to reading the story.**

**Enjoy! Reviews are always welcome (more like crack, love, and chocolate... and Chris Pine/Zachary Quinto/Karl Urban/kid who plays Chekov who was totally in that movie like Terminator with Christian Bale/Scotty all rolled into one) but not necessary. **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 20**

**Tribbles**

_In which Jim reveals the reason why he hates tribbles so much. Only, not really._

Tribbles had to be the bane of Jim's existence. He came to this conclusion not long after the _Enterprise'_s first encounter with the fluffy beings and hasn't found enough logic in the universe to refute that. And damn, if that did not sound exactly like something Spock would say.

The _Enterprise_ first met tribbles on a random mission to the middle of nowhere. They were supposedly watching over some Starfleet officer's shipment of a special grain… but no one really bought that. Then there was a trader of some sort who Jim, to this day, still has yet to take off his 'to kill painfully and then reincarnate to kill again' list. The reason being was that this particular trader was the person who gave Uhura the _Enterprise's_ first tribble. And for that, Jim could never forgive the man. Especially when one tribble turned into two, two turned into fifty, and fifty turned in to way too damn many to count.

It didn't help that Jim was recovering from a bout of Andorian flu. It didn't help that anything that made noise caused him to have an intense, mind-frying migraine. It really didn't help that the tribbles never once shut up. So it shouldn't have been that much of a surprise when Jim stormed onto the bridge one day, swearing about tribbles. But it did.

Jim was usually fine with animals. In fact, it had been reported on many occasions that Jim had a certain way with animals that no one else did. Even the infamous Admiral Archer (yes, Scotty's Archer) admitted that Kirk was better with the prized beagles than even the admiral. So it was highly illogical in everyone's mind that Jim hated tribbles so much.

Everyone tried to figure out what made Jim hate tribbles so much (other than the constant purring and the migraine thing. Seriously, that just wasn't all of it). The only other known race to have such averse reactions to the little balls of fluff were the Klingons. And while Jim spoke fluent Klingon (along with Vulcan, Andorian, Kurdistanian, Swahili, French, German, Dutch, Italian, Gaelic, and other such languages), he definitely was _not_ a Klingon.

Spock, surprisingly was the first person to come up with an idea. It was highly logical and extremely scientific in its presentation (that really didn't surprise anyone). The idea was so brilliant in its making that even Bones had to admit (albeit very grudgingly) that Spock could be right. Spock's idea was that the universal constant in anything concerning Jim Kirk's life was the man had no logical or predictable reaction to anything. And there was a score of evidence to back up this claim—the Kobyashi Maru, the Nero incident, allergies, broken bones, dislocated shoulders… He never reacted as expected. So, Spock surmised, it would be highly illogical to try to rationalize anything that was Jim Kirk.

Had Spock not been holding a tribble when he stated his theory to the rest of the bridge crew (including Jim), he might have actually gotten some form of reply from the Captain.

Uhura seconded Spock's findings, not to anyone's surprise. Only, instead of being said with cool, unarguable logic, Uhura repeated Spock's claims with an undercurrent of malice and annoyance. Jim had attempted to get rid of Uhura's tribble by throwing it out the airlock.

Had Jim not received four broken ribs saving Spock from an angered (and highly xenophobic) Starfleet commander, Uhura might never have spoken to Jim again.

Chekov, who was still highly stung over Jim's mental break down about the ducks, childishly said that the Captain was insane and refused to speak to the older man unless strictly necessary. Needless to say, he took a certain satisfaction putting some of the billions of tribbles onboard the _Enterprise_ into Kirk's quarters.

Sulu didn't really care whether Jim liked tribbles or not. He alone was surprisingly aloof from the entire thing. Of course, the rumor mill stated in no uncertain terms that he was both trying to stay on Chekov's good side while simultaneously trying to keep Kirk from challenging him to another sword duel.

Scotty was the one man onboard the_ Enterprise_ who hated tribbles almost as much as Jim did and thus managed to stay friends with the Captain while not being accused of being a wimp. Of course, Scotty had a legitimate reason—tribbles gummed up the _Enterprise's_ workings and that pissed off the Scotsman.

And then there was Doctor McCoy, who had the (mis)fortune of knowing Jim the longest out of everyone onboard the _Enterprise_. So, being dubbed an expert in all things Jim, many of the crew who wanted to understand Jim's sudden shift in demeanor began pestering him for any information about why the Captain was suddenly hateful toward all things tribbles.

Bones honestly couldn't say. But then again, that was hardly surprising. He couldn't say how Jim managed to screw up what should have been peaceful diplomatic missions or be allergic to damn coffee (he still hadn't forgiven Sulu or Spock for that one).

So, the crew of the _Enterprise_ was left with one extremely pissy Captain and one Vulcan's logical conclusion that all things Jim were highly illogical whenever it came to dealing with tribbles.

Later, after the five year mission was over, a holovid was revealed of Jim holding a tribble with something akin to a _smile_ on his face.

Jim, who was then an admiral, threatened to bring _Commander Chekov_ and Sulu up for insubordination charges.

It was much, much later revealed that it was Bones who created the holovid.

With a certain half-Vulcan's help.

Jim swore to a ritualistic killing of all tribbles at that point in time.

No one was quite sure if he was serious or not.

But tribbles soon became an endangered species.

* * *

**Next week's Quirk: Unbelievable**, _in which Jim has an unbelievably bad day__.__ **Stay tuned for more crack! **_


	21. Unbelievable

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note 1: Okie dokie. Everyone remember from the last chapter where I mentioned a certain Cookie-zilla, some utter crack that bordered on downright insanity, and some hurt Jim that would be coming into play? Well... here it is. And be warned: I take no responsibility for whatever dangerous neurological condition you find yourself with after you read this. Okay? Okay. Nor do I tend to be sued for any injury caused while reading this fic. Nor do I want to hear about the nightmares you had after reading this. You have been warned. Okay? Okay. Even Spock says that it will be highly illogical for you to tell me that you suffered a mental break down after reading this. I know you probably will. And it's okay. Chocolate and reviewing is therapy for that. As is calmly going to my profile page and checking out one certain story called _Voyages of the USS Enterprise_. You are not obligated to do either of these listed things, but it has been medically proven to help with the random fits of hysteria and schizoprenia that tend to go along with this. And the constant checking over your shoulder for Cookie-zilla. Remember, just because it was written on FanFiction doesn't it mean it doesn't actually exist. Somewhere. Out there. :) **

**Author's Note 2: Due to a recent finding on Yahoo, I have come to the realization that the Mayan calendar is actually 50 years off. So... the event everyone has been expecting in December of 2012? Not gonna happen. So this story ending? Ever? Probably not gonna happen either. Oh, we're going to get through the twenty-six letters of the alphabet... but then we're going to do more. Hehehehe. **

**Auhtor's Note 3: ****I'm looking for some ideas for Bones' revenge on everyone. Especially Jim, cause that laughing gas thing was _totally _his fault. Okay. Now you guys can go on to reading the story.**

**Author's Note 4: I did have something rather important to say, but then I forgot it. So... this author's note is rather kind of pointless now. But you should know that I was thinking about you all. OH WAIT! I remembered! The Goldilocks planet mentioned in this does actually exist. It probably doesn't have Cookie-zilla monsters though. I dunno, it could be. And yes, in this story, it is abandoned. That's because we found better planets. And I'm pretty sure that wasn't exactly what I was going to tell you, but oh well.**

**Author's Note 5: I REMEMBERED! I channel Jack Sparrow and a few other famous fellows in this. Just so you're warned. Kudos to you if you can figure out who exactly I'm imitating when Kirk has a breakdown. :) And no, the answer is not me.**

**Author's Note 6: I apologize for the general lack of closure on the last chapter. You can take it two different ways (I sent people one way in review replies, and then realized there is another way entirely for that to be viewed): Either accept Spock's logic as true and that Jim is just an unpredictable force of nature _or_ you can think that Jim really actually liked tribbles and just put on a front for everyone (hence the holovid mentioned at the end). If I'm not mistaken by my (lackthereof) logic, that is probably the way I was going to go... but never actually got there. I am _sincerely _sorry for all of the confusion. **

**Enjoy! Reviews are always welcome (more like crack, love, and chocolate... and Chris Pine/Zachary Quinto/Karl Urban/kid who plays Chekov who was totally in that movie like Terminator with Christian Bale/Scotty all rolled into one) but not necessary. **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 21**

**Unbelievable**

_In which Jim has an unbelievably BAD day._

One day, nearly three years after the disaster with Nero, Jim Kirk had an unbelievably bad day. It was the worst day in the history of bad days (aside from the day he was born and the day Nero made a black hole out of Vulcan).

It started out with Jim waking up to the sounds of an irate Vulcan. Well, Spock wasn't _irate_ per say, but he was considerably more Vulcan-like than normal as he told Jim in a slightly exasperated voice that would have done Bones proud that Jim was nearly an hour late for alpha shift.

If that wasn't bad enough, Jim slipped on his way to the sonic shower and knocked himself in the head.

The day got considerably worse from there.

First, Scotty was making routine repairs to the _Enterprise's_ inner workings. Most days, Jim wouldn't have cared—he made a point to be on time for each of the shifts on weeks Scotty was making repairs—but today, he had to wait forty-five minutes for a young engineer to cram some of the wires back into the turbo lift so it would take him to the bridge.

"Damn starships and their inability to have freaking _stairs_," Jim growled in a miraculous impression of Bones as he finally began what should have been a five second ascent to the bridge.

Unfortunately, Scotty thought that the turbo lift had been hijacked by hostile aliens (which wasn't a stretch—it had happened a few months prior) and shut it down before contacting the bridge and warning them of a possible intruder.

So Jim was stuck in the turbo lift for another fifteen minutes with a nonstop klaxon alarm going off. It made his already aching head hurt even more.

By the time Scotty and Spock deduced the fact that it was _Jim_ in the damn turbo lift, Jim was beginning to feel a little unkindly to the two gentlemen he thought were geniuses. And hungry, since he hadn't had his breakfast yet.

Unfortunately, the replicators that made the food were offline for another two hours. The turbo lift took precedence over little things like _food_.

"Damn Scottish engineers," Jim swore as he finally stepped onto the bridge.

He barely got so much as a glance from his fellow officers. Well, he did get a raised eyebrow from Spock, but that was customary. Chekov and Sulu ignored him. Uhura was busy on her communications frequency.

"What's happening?" Jim asked as he sat down into the mercifully comfortable chair.

Only to find a tribble on it. The tribble went soaring across the bridge in a spectacular flight and wound up accidentally hitting Spock in the back of the head. Jim smiled sheepishly as the Vulcan sighed and merely removed the tribble from the bridge.

"Starfleet has ordered us to a nearby planet that has possible scientific discoveries," Uhura reported.

"You mean we haven't made all of the possible discoveries in this universe yet?" Jim joked.

"On the contrary, Captain, there are infinite items in the universe. It would be nearly impossible to discover all of them," Spock said.

Jim sighed. It was going to be a long day.

"What's the status report on the planet, Mr. Spock?" he asked, instead of giving his first officer a lecture he dearly wanted to on the merits of sarcasm. He didn't want to channel Bones too much.

"Goldilocks is a class M planet. It has an atmosphere composed mainly of nitrogen and oxygen. Seventy-two percent of its surface is covered in water, the other twenty-eight in land mass," Spock replied. "It appears to be uninhabited. It is remarkably like your home planet."

"Indeed, it does seem exactly like Earth," Jim agreed. "That may be why scientists back in the early 2000s called it the Goldilocks planet."

"Yes, Captain," Spock said.

"Mr. Sulu," Jim said after a moment's pause. "You, Doctor McCoy, Uhura, and Lieutenant Anderson will accompany me to the planet's surface."

* * *

Two hours later, when he was running (yes screaming) for his life, Jim remembered Spock's words that the planet was uninhabited. He made a mental note (if he got out of this alive) to ask Spock to kindly revise his definition of uninhabited. Because although there were no humanoid aliens on this planet, Goldilocks was definitely _not _uninhabited.

The thing chasing Jim and the rest of the away team looked like a mutated cross between Godzilla and Cookie Monster. It was big, furry, and blue in color with a pointed muzzle with fangs that were the color of green acid.

The communicators were busted due to a quick hop in the stream to escape said Cookie-zilla. The phasers were ineffective—they served to just piss off Cookie-zilla.

Jim had managed to both break his arm and save Lieutenant Anderson's life in some strange twisting maneuver that ended up with Cookie-zilla nearly eating Jim. However, he did end up getting bit, but kind of sort of forgot to mention it to Bones.

"I am going to kill that damn green blooded hobgoblin," he swore as they ran up another hill, trying to find cover.

Bones was laughing at him. Jim didn't think that was very fair; he was already having a bad day. Did the doctor really have to go and make it worse?

"Captain, we're going to have to stop soon," Uhura said between gasps. "We can't keep running much longer and the sun is going to be setting soon."

"Do you want to get eaten?" Jim snapped as Cookie-zilla roared behind him.

"No, sir," Uhura said weakly. "But—."

Cookie-zilla roared again. Jim had had enough. He stopped and turned around to face the monster, much to the protests of the away team.

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP?" he shouted.

"Jim," Bones began.

"I MEAN HONESTLY? ALL YOU EVER DO IS ROAR AND TRY TO _EAT_ ME! I'M SICK OF IT!" Jim yelled. He was tired. And his head hurt. And his arm was killing him. So if he decided to take his anger out on a damn monster intent on killing everyone, then so be it. At this point, he really didn't care if the monster ate him after all.

Much to everyone's surprise, the monster stopped and stared at them. Before either side had a chance to react, a familiar golden light engulfed the away team.

"Welcome back, sir."

Jim had never been so happy to hear Scotty's voice in his life. In fact, he almost forgave him for the earlier incident with the turbo lift and the tribble. Almost.

"I need a med team up here, stat!" Bones yelled as everything in Jim's vision started to get a little fuzzy.

"Bones?" he asked. "Why are there three of you?"

He then proceeded to pass out.

* * *

Jim woke up to the sounds of more klaxon alarms. He groaned as the wailing alarm made his head hurt again. And then the throbbing in his arm started and he felt as though he was going to puke. And he was pretty sure that he was running fever.

The _Enterprise_ shook violently as Jim sat up, ignoring the shrill beeping of the alarms behind him and the pain that coursed through his body.

"STOP FIRING ON MY SHIP!" he shouted as the ship rocked again.

It was a testament to how little people were in sick bay at that moment when no one came running. Jim would have been shocked as he proceeded to exit the sick bay if he had actually noticed.

He attempted to make it to the turbo lift, but found his way blocked by no less than twenty-five Klingons.

"Are you kidding me?" he demanded. "Are you seriously going to stand there with your phasers and stare at me dumbly? You're on my ship! I'm the one who's supposed to be surprised! Why the hell are you here?"

"We are here to take you and your crew hostage," one of the Klingons said. "We are supposed to take you alive, but I'm sure no one will be too unhappy if I said that you died in a struggle."

"What the hell? Did the ducks put you on to this? DAMN IT! I'm going to _kill_ Chekov!"

If Jim hadn't been running a 110 degree fever, then he probably would have found the looks of utter bewilderment on the Klingons' faces amusing. But, instead, he proceeded to knock them all out in a flurry of movement that would have surprised even Spock.

"Why the hell is everyone trying to take over my ship?" Jim sighed as he entered the turbo lift. "Damn it. Today really sucks."

"_Captain Kirk to bridge,_" Spock's voice sounded over the intercom.

Jim should have been surprised; he was supposed to be in sick bay at the moment, but he replied anyway.

"I'm on my way," he said.

And then the turbo lift stopped for the second time that day.

"DAMN IT SCOTTY!" he shouted.

There was a chatter of Klingon over the intercom. Jim sighed. He was having a really, really bad day. And he was going to kill his engineer, the miraculous save from Cookie-zilla notwithstanding.

Ten minutes later, Jim made it to the bridge (after some amazing feat of engineering that no one will ever be able to replicate, not even Scotty), only to find it infested with Klingons. How they had managed to get onto the bridge without using the turbo lift was beyond Kirk's fevered mind. He didn't care. He proceeded to find his emergency phaser that he kept under his chair and dispatch the majority of the Klingons. The rest were rendered incapable of movement by half a dozen tribbles that somehow ended up on the bridge. Kirk would later blame Spock for that. If he remembered.

In the meantime, he took his place in _the_ chair and proceeded to give orders, despite the slightly concerned slightly terrified looks he was getting from the rest of his crew.

The _Enterprise_ made it through the Klingon attack well enough. Only one person (Lieutenant Anderson, of all people) died.

And then Spock discovered an anomaly on the ship's sensors.

"Captain," he said. "It appears that the monster your away team encountered earlier… can fly."

"Bullshit," Jim said, his eyes widening as Spock put it on the vidscreen. Sure enough, it was Cookie-zilla _flying_ toward the _Enterprise._

"Unbelievable," Uhura breathed.

"This day keeps getting better and better," Kirk muttered. To the rest of the crew, he said, "Deflector shields up. I don't know what the hell this creature is gonna do, but we're not going to let it hurt the ship. And damn it, Spock! Get these freaking tribbles off my ship!"

"_McCoy to bridge._ _Now that the threat of immediate death is over, can I have my AWOL patient back?_"

Spock proceeded to tell Bones in no uncertain terms that AWOL was a highly outdated term that hadn't been used in many years. Jim was highly amused.

He stood up, fully intent on going over to Chekov's station and inputting something into the computer, when he slipped on a damn tribble and blacked out for the third time that day.

* * *

When Jim woke again everything was quiet. In fact, it was a little too quiet. Just by how shitty this day had already been, there should have been at least two alarms going off.

Jim wasn't going to lie, though, he liked the peacefulness. Even if it did mean that he was in sick bay.

"Shit, kid, you finally with me?"

Jim started at the sound of Bones' voice and attempted to sit up, failing spectacularly as his ribs screamed in protest.

_What the hell?_

He didn't remember injuring any of his ribs. His wrist, yes. His head, yes. Maybe even his ankle (he vaguely remembered twisting it on a boulder on that damn Goldilocks planet with that damn Cookie-zilla. And speaking of, what the hell happened to that monster?). But Jim definitely did not remember hurting his ribs.

"What happened?" he asked, his voice hoarse from lack of use.

_And when did that happen_?

"You don't remember?" Bones asked, looking annoyed. Or confused. Or sad. Jim couldn't really identify which—they all tended to look alike when they were on the doctor's face.

"If I did, would I be asking?" Jim shot back, wincing as pain flooded through his head as the overhead light brightened suddenly.

"Damn it," Bones cursed. "Lights twenty percent. Sorry. Since the Klingon attack, Scotty hasn't had the chance to fix that yet. They've been flaring randomly."

"Klingons?" Jim asked. He remembered the Klingons.

"A whole fleet of them attacked the _Enterprise_ three days ago," Bones said. "After the Goldilocks disaster. You were hurt. Cookie-zilla tried to eat you and damn near succeeded. It's fangs were poisonous. Then the Klingons attacked and you tried to be the damn hero. You took out at least twenty damn Klingons by yourself before you collapsed in the turbo lift. We had a hell of a time trying to find you. And you wound up with three broken ribs, a concussion, a broken wrist, an unknown neurotoxin, and a sprained ankle."

"So the Cookie-zilla thing—that was real?" Jim asked.

"Believe me kid, that was real," Bones muttered as he scanned Jim with the little tricorder.

"Did he… _fly_?" Jim asked.

"What?"

Bones looked beyond stunned. Jim felt momentarily proud that he had put the look there.

"Nothing," he muttered. "Just a really weird dream I had. So. I took out _twenty_ Klingons by myself?"

"You're unbelievable," Bones muttered.

"That's going on my tombstone," Jim said with a grin.

He yelped as Bones jammed him with a hypospray.

* * *

**Next week's Quirk: Vengence**, _in which Bones gets his revenge on Jim__.__ **Stay tuned for more crack! **_


	22. A Very Enterprise Christmas

****

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, then I would be with them blowing up crazy Romulans and trying to keep Jim out (cough in) of sick bay. I would not be writing FanFiction. Okay, maybe I would, but ANYWAY! That is not the point. I do not own these amazing characters.**

**Author's Note 1: Okay... I would like to start out by apologizing for the extensive length between updates. And the change in topic. I just couldn't think of anything that was halfway decent to write for Bones' revenge on the crew of the _Enterprise_. One version involved body armor. Yes, you read that correctly. So. I changed topics.**

**Author's Note 2: I would like to apologize if you do not celebrate Christmas. I am not trying to offend anyone. Really. **

**Author's Note 3: I blame my mother for this chapter. And JAG's season 8 Christmas episode. If you haven't seen it... then I suggest you don't. It's pretty bad with all of the Christmas puns. Most of which I incorporated in here. So... yeah. **

**Author's Note 4: Bonus points and a cookie if you can count all the insane different Christmas movie references I make in here. **

**Author's Note 5: Happy holidays to everyone! Whatever you celebrate, you are welcome here! : ) **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 22**

**A Very Enterprise Christmas**

_In which Jim throws a semi-illegal Christmas party._

It started with a transporter incident. Then, it grew into something more ridiculous, more insane, and more

_Kirk_ than anything else that had ever happened on the _Enterprise_ that it was only something that could be thought up of by James Tiberius Kirk.

And, of course, his merry band of crazy crew members.

It was three days before Christmas. The _Enterprise_ had the fortune (or misfortune, if you were Spock) of having shore leave near Earth. The reason being was that during one of the last missions, Scotty did something to the engines that he shouldn't have (he blames it all on Kirk) and ended up causing extensive damage to the engines. Somehow, this caused malfunctioning in the transporters (though no one was quite sure _how_) and thus led to Spock's unfortunate accident with the transporter.

He was on his way back from making sure Uhura reached her parents' home in tact (there were reports of gang violence… but everyone knew that the two just wanted some alone time), when the beam of gold light accidentally shrunk him to the size of a six-year-old child. He was still himself… just smaller.

Unfortunately for Spock, Doctor McCoy was the only doctor available, since all of the others had left already. Doctor McCoy's daughter was still off with Jocelyn on a galaxy tour.

It was later reported that Doctor McCoy had to be sedated for heavy hysterics.

Jim was also one of the few still onboard when this accident happened. He had been the one to gleefully sedate Doctor McCoy when the man became too overcome by laughter to do his job properly. The captain, upon seeing Spock's miniscule size, decided to have a Christmas party. And of course, Spock was forced to dress up like an elf. How Jim still managed to have an elf costume that would fit someone who was the size of a six year old was beyond anyone's imagination.

Anyway. Jim wanted to throw a Christmas party. Now, Christmas parties were unofficially banned from starships because of so many different species celebrating so many different holidays and religions… but Kirk decided to challenge the unofficial banning and throw one anyway.

He even went so far as to invite the entire admiral staff, including Admiral Pike and Admiral Bennett.

Since the _Enterprise_ was officially on shore leave, there really weren't that many crewmembers onboard to help Kirk with this Christmas party. Those that remained were, Kirk, McCoy, Spock, Chekov, Sulu, the security officer commonly known as Cupcake, Chapel, Scotty (he didn't trust anyone else with his ship), and a handful of crewmembers that were there, but no one really actually knew.

Chekov got roped into decorations and music. Why Jim thought that the Russian would be good at decorating was beyond anyone's imagination… because the end result was catastrophic. So catastrophic, in fact, that Chekov nearly strangled himself with the garland and when Jim tried to rescue the young ensign, both of them ended up in sick bay. The music, however, was cheerful and very festive. There were many renditions of _Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer_, one of which was _a doctor got run over by a reindeer, walking back from sick bay Christmas Eve. _

Sulu was in charge of finding a tree. Jim refused to get a holo tree or even an artificial tree, which was why the Captain and Sulu were beamed down to Alaska to find the biggest possible tree to set up in the bridge.

They were beamed back two hours later with a tree the size of a large transport ship. Jim had managed to break every bone in his hand and scrape all of the skin off his arm… but Doctor McCoy managed to patch him back up. Eventually.

McCoy and Spock were put on present duty. Apparently, Jim had invited all of the orphans within shuttle distance to celebrate Christmas on the _Enterprise_.

It was later reported that Admiral Pike suggested that Jim come up with some sort of viable excuse incase the admirals were feeling unkindly toward Jim. He left the viable excuse open to interpretation. Everyone was pleasantly surprised that Jim hadn't invited the Sulekian ambassadors.

Sulekians were rather large whale-like creatures that Jim was fascinated with. They were dark blue and smelled rather like old cheese.

Cupcake was dressed up as Santa. Everyone swore up and down that it was Kirk's vendetta against the security lieutenant… but it was later revealed that Cupcake actually requested the position. No one was quite sure why… not even Kirk.

* * *

The Christmas party was set for Christmas Eve at 1900. The entire crew of the _Enterprise_ beamed back onboard two hours early for the special occasion. The admiral staff arrived thirty minutes later.

Kirk had managed to set something on fire, singe his eyebrows, and cause three different people to become insane during that time period.

The orphans were to take a shuttle to the _Enterprise_. That was Bones' stipulation. He didn't want any more accidents with the transporter (they still hadn't managed to get Spock back to normal size, though Jim was fairly certain that it was now because McCoy enjoyed teasing Spock mercilessly for being an elf). Jim had readily agreed.

Unfortunately, none of them had anticipated the shuttle losing all navigation power right as it left Earth's atmosphere.

Jim decided that the only way to get the orphans onboard was to go out and guide the shuttle back to the _Enterprise_ with one of the ship's own shuttle.

So, while Spock was being manhandled into his elf uniform (though he was tiny, he still was pretty strong), Jim took one of the shuttles and went to find the orphans.

He found them a few miles away from the _Enterprise_, waiting for assistance. Jim was all too happy to help, turning on his bright red search light and leading the way back to the ship.

Gifts were exchanged two hours after the party began. Jim received an ancient collection of Vulcan works from Spock (they were real books!) and a sword from Sulu.

Spock's Christmas present from Bones was to be transformed back into his normal size.

Sulu got a pair of ancient naval flight wings from Chekov. Apparently the helmsman had a fascination with the 1990 American Navy.

Ironically, when Chekov gave Sulu the wings, a bell rang. Jim made some rather loud, witty remarks about Sulu being an angel while Chekov flushed a darker red than Scotty's uniform.

Scotty got a set of laser tools and a bottle of scotch. From every last person onboard the _Enterprise_.

Bones got another hypo full of laughing gas. He was the life of the party from that point on.

* * *

Five hours, three eggnogs (it was one of the only things Jim wasn't allergic to), and fifty thousand choruses of _Bones got run over by a reindeer_ later, it was time for the party to end and for the orphans and admirals to go home. They had all had a wonderful time—Spock and Bones had done a great job of picking out gifts for the youngsters and Cupcake had made an amazing Santa. The tree was envied by all. The admirals wouldn't admit it, but they were rethinking the Christmas party ban.

Jim stood at the shuttle bay to say good-bye to his young guests. There was one guest, a tiny boy with a crutch (he had broken his leg playing ninja with his friends), that stopped to thank Jim personally for the Christmas party.

"Thank you sir," he said. "And God bless us. Every one."

****

**

* * *

**

****

Next week's Quirk: Wake, _in which Bones tries to wake Jim up_

**_._****Stay tuned for more crack! **


	23. Wake

****

****

**Disclaimer is on my profile.**

**Author's Note: Hey all! This was one of the very first ones I wrote (I think I wrote it directly after 'Coffee', but I'm not entirely sure). It's really short, but I like it. It features a lot of Bones and Jim during their time at the Academy. **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 22**

**Wake**

___in which Bones tries to wake Jim up._

Bones had known Jim for about a year now and still could not figure the damn kid out. Jim was one of those rare people who could stay up late, end up with a concussion, two broken ribs, and a broken wrist right before a major test, show up half an hour late, talk the teacher into letting him take the test, and then get the highest grade on the test (a perfect score, every damn time). Bones (and since when did McCoy start referring to himself by that damn nickname that stupid kid gave him?) hated it. He also hated the fact that he himself had to study for four hours straight to scrape by while Jim put no effort into his studies and still managed to get perfect scores while being a constant party animal.

One night, Bones had had enough. He was exhausted, having been working at the Academy hospital on the early morning shift throughout the afternoon when Dr. Puri called in sick. Again. He had skipped lunch. And Jim had gone out that afternoon once classes were done and partied. Without Bones. And they had a major test the next day and Bones really needed to study and Jim really needed not to get himself killed.

Bones was set to go out and look for his damned roommate when the next thing he knew, his alarm was going off and Jim was snoring away softly in the other bed. Bones nearly had a heart attack as he pulled his head off of his books and saw his roommate.

He let out a sigh, realizing what must have happened. He glanced at the clock, swearing when he saw that they had a little over ten minutes to get dressed, eat breakfast, and get to the other side of campus for their test.

Growling, Bones threw a pillow at Jim, not knowing any other way of effectively getting his roommate up without getting punched in the face. It was a long, complicated story which resulted in Bones taking the phrase '_never poke a sleeping bear_' all too literally.

Jim jumped out of bed, cursing and yelling, looking wildly around. Bones would have been more amused if he hadn't been so worried about being late.

"Class starts in ten minutes," Bones said as he pulled on a semi-clean Academy uniform.

"We have plenty of time," Jim said, waving off his friend. He rolled over and let out a huge snore.

Bones cursed again. He should have let his friend sleep and be late. _Serves him right_, he thought. But instead, being the nice person that Bones was, he threw one of Jim's shoes at the sleeping figure.

"OW!" Jim shouted, bolting out of bed and rubbing his now sore head. "Bones! What the hell?"

"Class starts in nine minutes," Bones said, methodically pulling on his shoes.

"So you've said," Jim said. "What was with the damn shoe?"

"You were sleeping," Bones said with a shrug.

"You're psychotic," Jim complained, rolling out of bed and eyeing Bones warily.

"That's my ex-wife," Bones said shortly, standing up. "Are you coming or not?"

"You gonna throw a shoe at me again?" Jim asked.

"Only if you go back to sleep," Bones said honestly.

"Then I'm coming," Jim said.

Bones never knew his roommate to get dressed so quickly. Both of them were on time to their test and Bones even managed to pass it. He didn't get the perfect score that Jim did, but he did get a better than average grade. It was acceptable. And, the best part was that he knew how to get Jim to wake up without losing anymore of his pillows. It was all in all a win-win situation.

********

**

* * *

**

********

Next week's Quirk: Xenolinguistics, _in which Uhura accidentally discovers that Jim is more adept at languages than she will ever be_

_._******Stay tuned for more crack! **


	24. Xenolinguistics

****************

**Author's Note: Umm... right. Yeah. Update. I kind of forgot about that. It's not like I haven't had this written since like... the beginning of time. Well, maybe not that long, but it's been done for a while. **

Author's Note 2: I made a goof in the last chapter-apparently, I forgot my ABCs and didn't notice that Y does not come before X. X comes before Y. And that, my dear readers, is the reason for the delay in this chapter. I was trying to finish 'Yo-Ho' which is almost long enough to stand on its own as a one-shot... and then realized last week (yes, I'm slow) that X comes after W and before Y. I fail at life. And you can quote me on that.

Author's Note 3: If you want a more entertaining version of _why _I haven't been updating things lately, you can read my profile. But that more applies to the Voyages story than this one. Which you also are free to read.

Reviews are always welcome and appreciated, but I understand if you don't have two minutes to spare to talk about how crazy insane I am.

********

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 23**

**Xenolinguistics**

___in which Uhura makes an astonishing discovery about her Captain. Or, rather, another astonishing discovery. _

Uhura was easily the best communications officer in Starfleet. She wasn't lying when she was arguing with Spock when she wanted to be assigned to the _Enterprise_. She understood every known language and was extremely talented in figuring out unknown languages. But as good as she was, there were some cases, very few and far in between, where Jim was better.

Of course, it wasn't as though he advertised the fact. Jim wasn't like that. In fact, if Uhura hadn't witnessed the event herself, she wouldn't have even known that he could speak anything other than Standard.

It was an accident, like most of the other discoveries of their Captain's quirks. Uhura, Jim, Chekov, and O'Riley were on an away mission on a so-called uninhabited planet when this particular discovery was made.

It was Jim's fault. If he hadn't been such a huge trouble for magnet, the four of them would have never ended up in the situation.

Okay, Uhura thought, that was a little harsh. It wasn't just Jim's fault. It was her fault as well. She should have never asked to explore the abandoned town. But she did. And they encountered an alien species that spoke a language that not even Uhura could figure out.

They were a fairly primitive race and were holding spears and bows and arrows, all of which were currently pointed at Jim and Uhura. Chekov and O'Riley were mysteriously missing.

"Shit, what the hell are they saying?" Jim whispered to Uhura as the people in front of them made a clicking noise that passed as their speech.

"I do not know, Captain," Uhurua said, mystified.

"Well, that's comforting," Jim muttered. Uhura wasn't sure if she was supposed to have heard that.

The alien race continued to click and chirr at them. Jim looked extremely frustrated for a few minutes before understanding dawned on his face. Uhura thought he must have been crazy or something—she was no closer to figuring out what the hell the alien race was saying. There was no way that _JIM_ could have figured it out, the fact that he was the Captain notwithstanding. There was just no way possible. Jim was smart, but he wasn't _that_ smart.

"I think they're speaking in Morse code!" Jim said, his eyes brightening in delight. "Why didn't I figure this out before?"

Before Uhura had a chance to say anything or process what it was that her Captain had just said, Jim eagerly responded to the alien race in his own series of clicks and chirrs.

"What are you saying?" Uhura demanded.

"I'm asking them who they are," Jim hissed back. "And if they know Standard."

There were a few seconds of brief pause before one of the aliens responded.

"What's he saying?" Uhura asked, frustrated that she didn't know Morse code. It hadn't been on the required curriculum for the Academy and since she had no interest in computers or engineering, she hadn't learned it. She was going to rectify that mistake when they beamed back aboard the _Enterprise_.

"I'm not really sure," Jim replied after a few seconds. "He could be saying that they mean no harm or that he is really hungry and we'd make a great snack. I'm going to ask him to repeat it more slowly."

"I thought you said it was speaking in Morse code!" Uhura protested.

"It's _like_ Morse code," Jim said, looking slightly irritated. "It's not the exact same."

He made a few clicking noises with his tongue and then the alien responded eagerly, albeit slower than before. Uhura found herself noting the similarities that Kirk himself had just discovered. There was a distinct pattern to the clicks and churrs, one that resembled the bits and pieces of Morse Code Uhura had heard in the past.

"They said they're a peaceful race," Jim said once the alien was done clicking. "They call themselves… agh. There's no real translation for it. But the closest I can get in English is the Graeci."

"The Greeks?" Uhura asked, recognizing the Latin word at once.

"Yeah," Jim said.

"That's Latin, idiot," Uhura said. "Not English."

Jim looked slightly bemused for a second before shrugging.

"Same diff," he said. "I speak them both fluently. And yes, I do know that most people consider Latin a dead language."

Uhura stared.

"You know _fluent Latin_, you can understand Morse code, you are halfway fluent in Vulcan, and you can at least sound semi-intelligent in Chinese," she said, dumbfounded as she recalled past instances where the Captain had spoken different languages and she just hadn't noticed. "How do you do it?"

"I learned Chinese from an ancient television show," Jim said. He grimaced. "Most of it's curse words. And Latin was a part of the Academy's command track required courses. I used to be fluent in Vulcan… but I'm seriously out of practice. And as for Morse Code… I have a doctorate in computer science you know."

"Is there any language you _don't_ know?"

Jim thought about it for a moment, taking her question seriously. "I don't know penguin," he said, grinning. More seriously, he added, "And I don't know Russian. Though Chekov is trying to teach me."

Uhura didn't glare at him—she was too stunned. Her Captain was definitely different than her first impression of him.

_He is not some dumb hick who has sex with farm animals,_ Uhura thought as she watched him interact with the Gracei. _Definitely not._


	25. You Idiot

**Author's Note: Ummmmmmmmmmm... Yeah. I honestly don't know what to say to you all. I really don't. There isn't much to say... other than this isn't what you were expecting. It wasn't even supposed to be apart of this story... but it turned out far more hilarious than I originally intended... and then I realized it fit perfectly for 'Y'... so yeah. *Coughs awkwardly***

**Author's Note 2: So. As mentioned before, this originally was going to be a part of my other _Star Trek_ story, but then Jim started driving with Bones as navigator, so they took a wrong turn somewhere, picked up Chapel hitchhiking on the side of the road, drove off a cliff, and were saved by a parachuting Spock. And I promise you, this author's note is probably more amusing than the actual story... **

**Author's Note 3: There are a lot of spoilers to my other story in here... but you don't have to read it to understand this. Just know: Jim, Spock, and Bones were all hurt in some insane fashion and all of them wound up in sick bay. And this probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense... but I wanted to post this before I decided it sucked. So. Yeah.**

**Author's Note 4 (though this probably should have been the first): I honestly don't know _why_ it has taken me so long to update this when I've updated said other story like six bazillion times. So... I apologize sincerely and pray that it never actually happens again. **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 23**

**You _Idiot_**

___in which Jim does something stupid, Bones gets hurt, and Spock does amazing things in the background._

_God damn it, those beeps are _annoying, Doctor McCoy thought as, with a groan, he forced his eyes open.

He nearly cried out with relief. No matter how much he claimed to hate space, never had he been so happy to see the familiar ceiling of the _Enterprise's_ sick bay.

"Bones?"

Doctor McCoy blinked, shock running through him as he recalled the event leading up to his untimely arrival in sick bay. Jim… Spock… both looking like they had gone ten rounds with a grenade and _lost_ every single _damn_ time. A time-travelling mad man without a blue box throwing a knife... and then everything went a little fuzzy.

But, somehow, they had survived. Jim, for all his bad luck, had to have some stroke of good luck to manage to survive _this_ long without dying a slow and painful death.

And he looked more or less fine, Doctor McCoy decided, as he turned his head and found a very tired, but very much alive Jim staring at him. There were a few cuts and bruises visible on his face, he wore a sling immobilizing his shoulder, and he was favoring his left side—clearly, broken ribs—but Jim was alive and talkative.

"Hey, kid."

Jim grinned, his whole face lighting up.

"Bones!" he exclaimed. "You're alive!"

Doctor McCoy belatedly remembered why he was the one in the hospital bed and Jim was the one looking at him like a mother hen when situations were normally reversed.

"Course I am, idiot," he muttered, trying to sit up.

Jim's hand accompanied by the overwhelming sensation of stabbing pain stopped that motion pretty fast. He grimaced, not understanding how Jim did half of what he did with more serious injuries than Doctor McCoy had acquired.

"Bones," Jim said softly. "Don't do that. You were stabbed, remember? Don't make any sudden moves."

Had Doctor McCoy been a little more with it, he might have teased Jim for finally learning what the doctor had been trying to teach him all along about hospital bed conduct.

But as it stood, Doctor McCoy was more focused on trying to remember how to _breathe_ and making sure Jim was all right than anything else.

"Jim?" he finally managed to get out as the pain settled down.

"You're a goddamn idiot," was Jim's response. Doctor McCoy was shocked at the amount of emotion that Jim allowed to color his voice.

"Huh?" was Doctor McCoy's eloquent response.

"You," Jim said, speaking slowly, clenching his teeth, and suddenly looking extremely pissed off. "Are a goddamn _idiot_. What the hell were you thinking, jumping in front of that knife like that? Are you _insane_? You're a _doctor_, you're not supposed to get hurt. And you're sure as hell not supposed to fall in a freaking _coma_ and not wake up for four damn days because you were stabbed. You _god_damn _idiot_."

He went on for an astonishing twenty minutes about how much of a moron Doctor McCoy was, and probably would have continued to go on, had it not been for Nurse Chapel interrupting him with pain meds and a fierce glare.

Doctor McCoy had to admit—he was confused. He didn't recall _jumping_ in front of any knife. He _did_ remember vaguely having a knife thrown _at_ him.

"You're not supposed to be out of bed right now," Nurse Chapel chided.

Doctor McCoy blinked, turning his attention back to the scene in front of him. Jim, who had looked very Captain-like moments before, now looked like a petulant child. A very exhausted, very hurt petulant child.

"But _Chapel_," Jim whined. He let out a huge yawn. "You let Spock return to the bridge three days ago and _he_ was the one who broke his collar bone."

"And as a Vulcan, he heals at a much faster rate than you do, mister," Chapel said. "And let's not forget about the two hours worth of surgery Doctor M'Benga had to perform to get your shoulder back into its proper place and to repair your _shattered_ rib and punctured lung."

"That's Captain Mister to you," Jim muttered.

Doctor McCoy went very still—not that he had been moving very much to begin with. But his breathing slowed and he stared at Jim with wide eyes.

"What?" Jim asked irritably as he glanced back at Doctor McCoy. He softened slightly. "Bones?"

"You said you were going to be _fine_ and not do anything _stupid_," Doctor McCoy growled.

"I didn't," Jim protested.

Doctor McCoy glared. Jim stared back, with wide, way too innocent looking eyes. Nurse Chapel seized the opportunity and hypoed Jim.

"Ow!" Jim complained. "Bones, I really _didn't_ this time. The stupid ship blew up on me. And then… okay, the Kahn thing _might_ have slightly been my fault, but he had just stabbed you. And if I hadn't, Spock was going to murder him. So, really, it's not my fault he _broke_ my ribs with his foot. Though I probably shouldn't have tried to stab him with his dagger."

"You god_damn_ stupid utterly insane _idiot_," Doctor McCoy growled.


	26. Zero

**Author's Note: Hiya! Sorry this took so long-it took a turn for the angst and I wasn't sure if I liked it. Jim just seemed out of character... but then I decided that it was the best it was going to be, so it wound up staying. Plus, I really liked the brotherly moments going on (you'll understand later) and the growing friendship between Uhura and Jim. **

**Author's Note 2: Special thanks to all of those who reviewed! If I hadn't responded to you personally, please, don't get offended. My FanFic account has been really screwball about _everything_ lately, so it's amazing I've been able to get this chapter out.**

**Author's Note 3: This concludes the original 26 chapters of this story. I know, it's a crazy thought, but this story is officially complete! Have no fear-there will be more to come. But they might take the form of drabbles-those are easier to get out in a week or two than one-shots. Plus, everyone over in the _Merlin_ fandom is doing 100 drabbles at 100 words per drabble... so I might try something like that. Highly unlikely though. But I wouldn't mind dabbling with some drabbles (haha, that was funny). **

**Anywho... I hope you enjoy this! Please read and review!**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 26**

**Zero**

___in which Uhura learns the truth about Jim's igloo-builidng skills and Jim gets hurt a lot. No, really, this is basically Jimwhumpage with a little bit of plot and Chekov thrown in for fun._

Uhura swore up and down that she never was going on another away mission with Jim again. She didn't care how many potential new languages she could learn or how much Jim ordered her around—she would never _ever_ go on another away mission with Captain James Tiberius Kirk again.

Of course, she relented, this time, it probably _wasn't_ Jim's fault that they were running for their lives from some monster that was hell bent on eating them. It probably _wasn't_ Jim's fault that Chekov was kidnapped by the ice people. And while it was Jim's fault that Uhura was bleeding from a scratch on her arm, she could hardly resent him for it. She had scraped her arm when Jim pushed her out of the way of said rather large monster that was now chasing them.

"How much farther?" Uhura asked between gasps as the two of them raced over the snow and ice. She kept slipping and as much as she hated to admit it, she was thankful for Jim's steady hand always ready to help her.

"You see those lights in the distance?" Jim asked, pointing a gloved hand in a general direction.

Uhura squinted, trying to see through the near blizzard they were running through, but couldn't see anything but darkness.

"No," she said, slipping again. Jim chuckled as he reached over and helped her up.

"It's about another mile and a half," he said. "Luckily for us, the ice-monster can't see in the dark."

"And you know that, how?" Uhura demanded, taking a deep, slightly shaking breath. She was a little more out of shape than she would like to admit and the thought of running another mile and a half worried her.

Jim shrugged. Uhura could almost see his smirk, hidden as it was by the parka hood and the gator he had to protect himself from the howling wind.

"I actually pay attention to the reports Spock gives me," Jim answered with a shrug. "Come on. We should get moving again."

"Couldn't you just build an igloo?" Uhura questioned, not moving from her spot. She wanted answers. "I mean, that's what you _are_ good at. Even though I don't understand how."

"We do get snow in Iowa," Jim said mildly. "More than enough to build an igloo."

"But that's not how you learned how to build an igloo," Uhura said.

"And why not?" Jim asked, sounding amused.

"Because that's too _boring_ for you," Uhura answered. "The famous James Kirk did not learn how to build an igloo in _Iowa_."

A howl split the air as the part wolf part bear part lizard monster that was chasing them thundered closer to them.

"I'll tell you _after _we don't get eaten," Jim told her. "Now _run_."

* * *

Two hours later, Uhura was shivering inside a small igloo house in the one village this barren ice planet had, sipping a hot cup of something that tasted like cinnamon hot chocolate, but was a strange greenish blue color.

Jim had been trying to reason with the villagers to get them to organize a search party for Chekov and one of the missing villagers, but it was too dark to see anything and the ice monster was still hanging around on the outskirts of the little of town. Uhura was acting as translator for a while until Jim had noticed her shivering and ordered her to go find someplace warm.

Jim was on the other side of the small igloo house—it was only one room. He was fiddling with his communicator, obviously trying to contact the _Enterprise_.

"The blizzard's too strong," he muttered at one point as brightly colored rainbow sparks scattered across the ground. "And the metal's too cold."

He sighed heavily, letting out a small groan as he stretched his legs out. Apparently, Uhura wasn't the only one who was sore from their long jaunt through the tundra.

"Are you okay?" Uhura asked in a quiet voice. She knew, perhaps better than just about anyone, how good Jim was at hiding his injuries. For all she knew, he could have been seriously injured by that ice monster.

"Don't worry about me," Jim said with a faint smile. It was warm enough that they didn't have to wear their parkas and gators, but they were still dressed in thick thermal sweatshirts and insulated snow pants.

"That's not an answer," Uhura pointed out.

"That's not the question you wanted answered anyway," Jim retorted. "You wanted to know where I learned to build an igloo."

Uhura rolled her eyes. "That's not as important as you possibly dying," she snapped.

"Oh not you too," Jim said, sounding exasperated. "Honestly, you're as bad as Bones. I'm not going to drop dead, all right? I am a perfectly good judge of my own pain."

"Yeah," Uhura snorted. "That's what you said after you were run through with that pirate's sword. And then again _three days _later when the _Enterprise_ was attacked by ninjas and you were poisoned. Twice."

Jim rolled his eyes. "I promise," he said. "I'm _fine_."

Uhura narrowed her eyes at him, but decided that if he was well enough to smirk like that, then he wasn't going to die of blood loss or a punctured lung any time soon.

"If you die," she said threateningly, trailing off when she realized there was really nothing she could say.

"I'll be _fine_," he stated again.

"You keep telling me that and I'm going to keep not believing you," she said.

"And you keeping telling _me_ that, I won't tell you my igloo building story," Jim retorted. He grinned childishly. "Believe me, you want to hear it. It's epic. It involves penguins and polar bears and evil ice monkeys."

"There're no such thing," Uhura shot back.

Jim grinned again. But before he had the chance to launch into his story, the village leader walked in and chattered something in a mixture of what sounded like Icelandic and Russian.

"What's he saying?" Jim asked, the grin fading away and being replaced by utmost seriousness.

"He said that the barbarians are attacking again," Uhura said, her eyes widening. "And they're heading straight here."

Jim leapt to his feet, all signs of previous wariness gone.

"All right, Skipstjóri," he said. "Let's go save the village, shall we?"

* * *

It would only be three weeks after Jim and Uhura went to rescue Chekov and save the village that Uhura would learn the true story of Jim's learning to build an igloo. That's because Captain Idiot managed to get himself harpooned, scratched (yet again) by the stupid ice monster, develop an infection similar to tetanus ("Which died out in the twenty-second century and is no way freaking possible," muttered a very angry, very tired Doctor McCoy) and blow up three miles of ice before succumbing to a high fever and passing into a coma.

For three, long days _after_ the frozen, injured, yet very triumphant away team beamed back onboard the _Enterprise_, thanks to some very skilled engineering by Scotty, and some clever navigating by Sulu.

Doctor McCoy whisked a nearly unconscious Jim, a completely frozen Chekov, and a cold and tired Uhura to sickbay barely two heart beats after they materialized on the transporter pad.

That had been three days ago. Now, Uhura, who had been discharged from sickbay two days prior and was told to rest and drink lots of warm things (with a suggestive eyebrow from Scotty), was back in sickbay, demanding to see Jim, who, rumor had it, was finally conscious. He had promised her, after all, the true story about his igloo building skills.

"For the last goddamn time, Lieutenant," Doctor McCoy shouted as Uhura stubbornly refused to leave. "The man _just_ woke up! He needs rest and _sedation_, not story time!"

"_Bones_," Jim whined from behind Doctor McCoy. He had snuck out of bed and managed to walk over to stand behind the doctor, albeit swaying slightly on his feet. He looked pale, bruised, and exhausted. Uhura almost gave in to Doctor McCoy, but the determined set of Jim's jaw stopped her.

"You _idiot_," Doctor McCoy growled. "You need to be _in bed_, not wandering around. Or have you forgotten the fact that you woke up from a fever induced coma less than three hours ago?"

Jim glared his captain-y glare. Doctor McCoy glared back. Uhura couldn't say whose glare was more impressive.

"I'll just leave," she murmured.

"Stay," Jim ordered.

"Go," Doctor McCoy muttered at the same time.

"_Bones_," Jim admonished. "This is _Uhura_. Not Sulu with his crazy-awesome scheme to go parasailing behind the _Enterprise_ or Chekov, who, by the way, is the reason why I had that fever induced coma, wanting to know about the mysteries of the fairer sex. This is _Uhura_. If you let Sulu and Chekov in, then you can certainly let her in."

Uhura honestly didn't want to know the finer details of whatever Jim was talking about. Parasailing behind the _Enterprise_ sounded downright insane.

"All right!" Doctor McCoy sighed, throwing up his hands in evident frustration. "But you have ten minutes. Any longer and I might as well release you for duty."

"You should," Jim muttered as the doctor turned and stalked back to his office. "It's not like I'm dying or anything."

Almost as if to prove himself wrong, he let out a huge hacking cough.

"Should you really be standing?" Uhura asked. She was _not_ concerned about him. She merely didn't want to bring Doctor McCoy's ire down on her should the Captain drop dead on her watch.

Jim gave her a look. "You're going to be as bad as Bones one day," he declared. Coughing again, he added, "But you're right. You should sit down. You went through a horrible ordeal three days ago."

Uhura couldn't decide if he was serious or not, but she would gladly sit down if it meant he would get his sorry-looking ass back into bed.

"So," she said, settling into a chair. "Igloos? Not a skill I'd expect you to have."

"Why's that?" Jim retorted, sitting down on the bed across from her. She wasn't entirely sure if it was the bed he was supposed to be in or not.

"It's not in your usual repertoire," Uhura said. "You generally do things that you think make women like you or blow things up."

"I built an igloo once as a death trap during basic training," Jim said. "I set the explosives into the ice bars. And _Eskimo_ women love a man who can build an igloo."

Uhura stared at him, again not able to decide if he was being completely serious or not.

"Where did you learn to build them?" she asked. "And why? And so help me, if you say evil ice monkeys, I might just throw you out the airlock."

Jim grinned at her, the expression looking more feral than gleeful.

"Is that a promise?" he asked.

Uhura rolled her eyes as an answer.

"It's really not that amazing of a story," he informed her. "And it's probably not what you'd expect."

Jim was about to continue when Doctor McCoy stormed out of his office.

"Damn it Jim! I said ten minutes! It's been almost fifteen!"

"But _Bones_," Jim complained. "I was just getting to the good part!"

Doctor McCoy rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that's what you said when Helda came to visit you at the Academy and I walked in on you. I still have nightmares about that."

Uhura stared a s Jim grinned _that_ grin, thanking whatever deity that was listening that Spock wasn't like Jim in any way, shape, or form.

"Well, it was your fault, you overprotective bastard," Jim said fondly. "You were the one who barged in on us when you heard her."

"I thought you were torturing her for god's sake!" Doctor McCoy said, turning six different shades of red.

Uhura took that as her cue to leave, knowing she wouldn't be missed.

* * *

Two and a half weeks after Jim woke up, the _Enterprise_ crew ran into another spot of trouble. This time, it wasn't Jim's fault in the slightest—he had had complications arise with his health and was forced to remain on deck while Spock led the away team to the planet below.

Only Spock returned. And apparently, he brought extremely bad news. Jim's brother had been on the planet, which was consumed by a deadly plague. Save for Spock, there had been no survivors.

Two days after the onset of the plague, Uhura received a private message from Jim on a secure line. She glanced around, noting that Jim was pretending to be busy with his PADDs and Spock was pretending to do something important at his station.

She opened the message.

_When I was ten-years-old, my mother took my brother and me to visit our grandparents in Alaska. My brother and I decided to go on a walk and wound up getting lost. I was terrified—who wouldn't be? But my brother told me we'd be okay, that we'd figure out some way of surviving. There were no such things as no win situations, after all. That's what he told me. _

_Anyway, we stumbled through the snow and ice for a little while longer before my fingers started to freeze. Bones would say I was an idiot for forgetting gloves—but honestly, I didn't realize just how cold zero degrees could be. _

_Sam was getting cold, too, so he decided to experiment. Our grandparents had taught him how to build an igloo one winter when they came to visit for Christmas. I was like, three at the time, so I wasn't allowed outside. It hasn't snowed that hard since._

_At any rate, Sam knew the basics at least on how to build an igloo. So he had me start gathering snow and he got to work on outlining the basic shape in the snow._

_It took us over an hour, but it was the best hour of my childhood. It was the last time we were brothers—he left not soon after we returned from Alaska. _

_It was Sam who taught me how to build an igloo. A skill I'd never thought I'd actually need.. _

_Just thought you'd like to know_.

Uhura finished the message and looked at Jim again. He was now pointedly refusing to look in her direction, but she didn't miss the faraway look on his face as he remembered his brother.

She felt suddenly extremely sad as she punched out a reply.

_Thank you,_ she wrote, _for telling me. I know how hard it must be for you, losing a brother._

She hit send, knowing the moment he received it, for he smiled slightly, and sent her a soft, _real_ smile.

"Thank you," he mouthed.

Before she had the chance to reply, Doctor McCoy strode onto the bridge and whisked Jim off to sickbay, talking rather loudly about medicinal brandy.

It was only after the fact that Uhura realized Jim had sent the same message to Doctor McCoy.

* * *

-Note: Skipstjóri means 'captain' in Icelandic. And bonus points if you can count the slight Doctor Who reference in here. A


	27. Summer Time

**Okay. I cheated a little-it's 200 hundred words versus 100. But oh well. I like it and it's my first (real) attempt at drabbling... so whatever. **

**This is in celebration of the fact that I only have 4 days left of school until the summer and I'm a little excited. But, it's a little melancholy because at the end of this year, my best friend won't be going to the same school I go to anymore. :(. Sniff. But she's not moving out of town or anything, just merely switching schools, so it's all good. I'll still get to see her. Hence the happy ending to this fic. **

**Hey look... it's a Sunday, and I'm updating! :) **

**I want to thank you all for the AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL reviews that you keep giving me. I can't tell you enough that I love you all and no author has better reviewers. :) Thank you! **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 27**

**Summer Time**

___In which Bones takes pity on Jim._

Jim shoved his hands into his pockets, hunching his shoulders as he made his way out of the transport hanger. It was the start of summer break at the Academy and his new best friend, Bones, was getting ready to board a transport to return to Georgia. His darling ex-wife had allowed him visitation of his daughter over the summer.

Jim was happy for his friend—he really was, no man deserved it more—but at the same time, a sense of bleakness settled over him. With Bones gone, he had no one to go get drunk with. Everyone was leaving for the summer—even the professors.

"Hey, _kid_!"

Jim turned at the sound of Bones' voice in surprise. He raised an eyebrow as the doctor strode over to him.

"You're going to miss your flight, Bones," he said.

"You're coming with me," Bones declared. "And I ain't taking no for an answer."

Jim stared in shock. "What?" he asked stupidly.

"Did you honestly think I would leave your sorry ass here for the entire summer while I went off to face my bitch of an ex-wife alone?" Bones snorted. "Get your ass moving."

"I knew you'd miss me!"

"_Idiot_."

**Coming soon: **Camelot _in which, the _Enterprise_ winds up in Camelot_. Possible two-parter. **Stay tuned for crack!**


	28. Camelot

**Ummm... wow. 2 updates in 1 day with a promise of at least four more coming very, very soon. (As in, either in the next hour or two, or the next couple of days, because they're all written :)). I will admit, I'm having way too much fun writing these now. I should probably be stopped before this amounts to five thousand chapters worth of drabbles (believe me, I'll do it). But, oh well.**

**I'll be the first to say this one probably should have just been a one-shot, but I'm having fun writing it as a drabble (it's currently four parts and there are going to be another three or four before the conclusion). And, it's exactly 100 words (as are the next three), so I'm proud of it.**

**This one is all dialogue, but the rest aren't like that. This was just an experiment. Let me know what you guys think!**

**Also, the person who Jim sees at the end isn't really Merlin. But I originally wrote this as a one-drabble-shot kind of deal and expanded later... and liked the ending, so I kept it. **

**For those of you who have seen the BBC show _Merlin_ will probably have a little too much fun counting the references that are to follow. Those of you who haven't seen it (you should, you'll like it), don't worry. You'll still enjoy it. It has enough crackiness that is Jim Kirk to still be understandable. **

**And now that this author's note is longer than the actual story, I would like to thank Snowy Midnight 924 for reviewing the last chapter, since you have disabled your private messaging feature and therefore, I cannot thank you privately. THANK YOU! :) I'm glad you're enjoying the story. **

**Now on with the crack... :) **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 28**

**Camelot**

___In which the crew of the _Enterprise _winds up in Camelot_.

"Did we really go back in time? Again?"

"Yes, I believe we did, Sulu, now shut up."

"…We're in the Middle Ages."

"Actually…"

"Spock, shut _up_."

"I was merely going to state-."

"_Spock_."

"Damn it Jim, I told you that I didn't want to go on anymore of these damned away missions with you. They _always_ go wrong. And here's my proof!"

"_Bones_, shut up."

"Don't 'Bones' me, you idiot. You're the one who got us in this mess."

"It's not a mess. It is beyond words."

"Yeah. Tell me about it."

"Bones, we're in _Camelot_. Look, there's Merlin!"

**Coming soon: **Jinxed _in which, the away team is surrounded by a team of knights_. **Stay tuned for crack!**


	29. Jinxed

**Hi everyone! Hope you're enjoying this so far... I know I am! :) **

**And for all of you _Merlin _fans (which, there are a lot more than I was expecting), don't worry. There might not be any _Merlin_ references in these first two drabbles, but there are going to be a ton in the next few. :) **

**Have I mentioned how much I love you all for leaving me such wonderful reviews lately? Because I really do. You all make me very, very happy. **

**Oh. This drabble series kind of took an impossibly crackier turn. Let's just say that the Cookie-Zilla monster might be returning soon.**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 29**

**Jinxed**

___In which the away team is surrounded by a team of knights_.

Jim's eyes were huge as he surveyed the scene in front of him. He could hardly believe the castle and the surrounding village in front of him were _real_. It was like walking into the middle of a fairy tale, complete with _real_ knights, maidens, and _magic_.

Jim secretly hoped he would get to see a dragon.

"Orders, Captain?" Spock asked, sound way too calm and uninterested in the situation.

Jim grinned, turning to his away team. "Have_ fun_," he said. "And don't cause trouble."

"You had to jinx it, didn't you?" Bones growled.

An army of knights approached them.

**Coming soon: **Jinxed _in which, the away team is surrounded by a team of knights_. **Stay tuned for crack!**


	30. Knights

**Hi everyone! Hope you're enjoying this so far... I know I am! :) **

**I apologize for the wait in between chapters. I've had this thing done for weeks now and I just haven't gotten around to posting it. Sorry!**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 30**

**Knights**

___In which Jim meets Prince Arthur_

The away team was effectively surrounded by the angry looking knights, all of which had their swords drawn.

Jim glanced at his away team, noting their terrified expressions as one of the knights dismounted his horse and walked up to them.

"Who is your leader?" the knight asked.

Jim glanced at Spock, who stared back, as if to say _this is your fault_. Which was stupid. Vulcans didn't do the whole accusation thing.

"I am," Jim said, eyeing the sword with slight trepidation.

"Who are you?" the knight demanded.

"I am James Tiberius Kirk. Who are you?"

"I'm Prince Arthur."

**Coming soon: **Merlin, _in which the away team meets the real Merlin_. **Stay tuned for crack!**


	31. Merlin

**Hey! I know I'm behind on the review replies and all-but it's been a very busy week. I'll try to catch up by next weekend, I promise! In the meantime, enjoy this chapter, and the next three I'm going to be posting tonight as well! :) **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 31**

**Merlin**

___In which the away team meets the real Merlin_

Jim knew he was enjoying this way too much as the away team was led up to the castle to meet with the King of Camelot. He shouldn't have been overjoyed about the fact that his crew would be sentenced to death if King Uther should decide they were a threat to Camelot.

But, he could hardly contain his excitement about seeing the place where the legend had originated.

A tall, gangly looking boy who looked a little younger than Jim approached, looking curiously at the newcomers.

"Arthur," he began.

"_Mer_lin," Arthur replied, looking annoyed.

Jim stared. _That_ was Merlin?

**Coming soon: **No Way, _in which Jim doesn't believe that Merlin is really Merlin_. **Stay tuned for crack!**


	32. No Way

**Enjoy! **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 32**

**No Way**

___In which Jim doesn't believe that Merlin is really Merlin_

There was no way the tall _shifty_ looking boy in a neckerchief was Merlin. For one thing, Merlin was supposed to be _old_ with a white beard and a pointy hat and dangerous looking. This guy looked like he wouldn't hurt a flea without falling over.

A rather heated and exasperated conversation occurred between _Prince_ Arthur and _Merlin_, who apparently was Arthur's manservant. It reminded Jim forcibly of the conversations he often had with Spock, only without the threatening. Although, that eyebrow _could_ be rather menacing.

"This isn't right," Jim muttered. Raising his voice, he said. "You can't be Merlin."

**Coming soon: **Oops, _in which Jim sticks his foot in his mouth_. **Stay tuned for crack!**


	33. Oops

**For the record, I have the rest of this little drabble series done... It's about four more drabbles. And then I'm going to leave it up to you as to whether you want another drabble (this time, not Merlin centered) or if you want a one-shot. Both are slightly angsty and it's completely up to you which one you'd want next. The one with the most votes gets to be put up first and then the other one will be posted later (though how much later, it hasn't been decided).**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 33**

**Oops**

___In which Jim sticks his foot in his mouth_

Arthur and Merlin stopped their conversation and looked at Jim curiously.

"What?" Arthur asked.

"Your servant can_not_ be Merlin," Jim repeated, staring at the boy named Merlin. "Not the Merlin."

"_The_ Merlin?" Arthur asked disbelieving, raising an eyebrow at his servant. "_The_ _Mer_lin?"

"Why can't I be Merlin?" the boy asked indignantly.

"You're supposed to have _magic_," Jim said. "You're supposed to be powerful!"

Merlin looked like he was about to faint. Arthur looked torn between amusement and confusion.

"_Powerful_?" he snorted. "_Magical_?"

Jim was puzzled. "Yes," he said. "He's supposed to be the most magical warlock of all time."

**Coming soon: **Realizations, _in which Jim figures out what's going on_. **Stay tuned for crack!**


	34. Realizations

**Yeah, so, this is another one I've had done for a while and was originally going to post on Sunday with the remaining four... but then I got sidetracked by X-Men fanfics. And then I got distracted writing full length stories... and then... life got in the way. But really, since it was only two days ago, and you're getting the remaining four here shortly, its not that bad. **

**I need your opinion on something as well: Do you want another drabble or would you prefer a one-shot next time? They're both done and they're both angsty... but it's really up to you which one I post next.**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 34**

**Realizations**

___In which Jim figures out what's going on_

"There is no way _Mer_lin is magical," Arthur said. "You obviously have never met my servant. He is the least magical person you will ever meet."

Merlin looked like he was torn between annoyance and fear as he glared at the back of Arthur's head.

"Magic is outlawed in Camelot," Arthur continued, irritated. "It's punishable by death"

"I'm sorry," Jim said. "I didn't mean to offend anyone."

He finally worked it out—this was before Merlin and Arthur became the stuff of legend.

"Where did you come from?" Arthur demanded.

"It's kind of a funny story," Jim replied, smiling uneasily.

**Coming soon: **Scary, _in which cookie-zilla makes an appearance_. **Stay tuned for crack!**


	35. Scary

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 35**

**Scary**

___In which Cookie-Zilla makes an appearance_

Before Jim had the chance to launch into the whole spaceship plus sun's gravity equals time travel thing, an all too familiar growl sounded from behind the away team/knight ensemble.

"Damn it, Jim," Doctor McCoy growled.

Jim wanted to point out that this wasn't his fault- he didn't bring the damn cookie-zilla monster here. But he decided that since this was a life-or-death situation, he could let it pass.

The big blue cookie-zilla creature strode out of the forest, roaring. Its eyes seemed to be magnetically attracted to Jim.

Jim turned to Prince Arthur and Merlin.

"Run," he advised. "Now."

**Coming soon: **The End of Cookie-Zilla, _in which cookie-zilla dies in Camelot, but does not actually die in Jim's present timeline (to be found out at a later date)_. **Stay tuned for crack!**


	36. The End of CookieZilla

**Honestly, this one came close to being more than one hundred words because I wanted to do it more justice... but I was getting tired of writing this story-line at this point and just wanted it to be done with. Have no fear, when the Cookie-Zilla dies for real in a later chapter, it will be more epic. I promise.**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 36**

**The End of Cookie Zilla**

___In which Cookie-Zilla dies. Well, not really._

Jim didn't remember how they got away from cookie-zilla. He was fairly certain it involved a lot of running and screaming on everyone except Merlin's part and a lot of hidden magical mischief on Merlin's behalf. One thing was for certain—Jim would never underestimate the shifty looking serving boy of Arthur's ever again. Not after he had single-handedly blown up cookie-zilla with a wave of his hand and a flash of his eyes.

"Don't say a word to anyone," Merlin requested when Jim questioned him later.

Jim vowed not to—he didn't want to be the next one exploded.

**Coming soon: **Undoubtedly, a Happy Ending, _in which the _Enterprise_ returns home_. **Stay tuned for crack!**


	37. Undoubtedly a Happy Ending

**Bit of background on this one: I imagine that every time Camelot does something excellent, there is a jousting tournament. While I know that doesn't actually happen, this segment makes a lot more sense with that knowledge. **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 37**

**Undoubtedly, a Happy Ending**

___In which the _Enterprise_ returns to their own time._

After a three day feast celebrating the end of cookie-zilla and the peace that had been brought to Camelot, Jim decided it was time for him and his crew to return to the _Enterprise_. He was met with very few protests—everyone wanted to return to their own time.

"If I ever see another jousting tournament again, it will be too soon," Doctor McCoy muttered.

"It wasn't all bad," Jim disagreed.

"Indeed, it was not," Spock said. "I rather enjoyed the rather illogical sport."

"You're just saying that because you won the tournament," Doctor McCoy growled.

Spock raised an eyebrow.

**Coming soon: **Migraine, _in which Jim has a migraine _or Red and Green, _in which, there is a serious accident and Jim takes the injury of a fellow crewmate rather hard_. **Stay tuned for crack!**


	38. Red and Green

**This is for Saphura, who requested something longer than the drabbles I have been writing lately. Be warned-this is severely angsty and has no crack whatsoever in it. I originally wrote this to be a part of a story I was eventually going to write, but a lot of time has passed since then and so I forgot the original plot. **

**I am going to try my hardest to make the next couple of things a little less depressing and a little more _Star Trek-_esque because the only things I have managed to write lately are depressing drabbles and while you all might like some beat up on Jim time, that's really not the point of this fic. I'll save the ones I've written for when you all are in the mood for something less depressing... but for the most part, I am trying to keep this fic light-hearted. **

**On a side note, I AM going to respond to your reviews, just not tonight. I have to go babysit and probably won't be back until extremely late. But please continue to do so! I really love hearing from you!**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 38**

**Red and Green**

___In which there is a serious accident and Jim takes the injury of a fellow crewmate rather hard._

The golden light from the transporter had barely faded before Jim was all but jumping off the pad, stumbling slightly underneath the great weight he was carrying.

"Oh my god!"

"What happened?"

Jim ignored the frightened calls of his gathered crewmembers, scanning the crowd for the one face he trusted to make this all better.

"Everyone get out of the way!"

Doctor McCoy was already halfway to Jim, a stretcher and three nurses trailing behind him like a parade. Under any other circumstances, Jim might have cracked a smile at the thought.

"Jim?"

"I'm all right," Jim whispered as his knees gave way. He collapsed to the ground, placing the limp body he had been carrying on the ground as gently as he could. He realized how awful he must appear—covered in blood and dirt and carrying the limp body. "It's not my blood. It's not mine."

"I know," McCoy said softly, crouching down beside him. "You don't have green blood."

* * *

Jim paced the floor outside of the sick bay, not caring about the concerned looks he was receiving from the nurses in sick bay or the blood that was seeping continuously out of the wound on his side. He flat out refused to let anyone near him until he knew Spock was all right.

The doors to sick bay slid open as Jim's violently shaking legs finally gave out. Doctor McCoy, still dressed in his emerald stained surgical scrubs was by Jim's side as he hit the floor.

"Spock is going to be all right," he said, still speaking in the same soft voice he had been using in the transporter room. "He lost a lot of blood, but he's in a healing trance right now. He'll be okay."

Jim nodded, feeling guilt his guilt threaten to overwhelm him. He could hardly control the tremors that shot up and down his body. The world was spinning around him.

"Good," he said, hating how his voice shook and cracked in that one simple word. He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling momentary relief as everything stopped moving.

"Jim?"

"I'm okay," Jim whispered.

"Bullshit," McCoy muttered. "You need to get that knife wound looked at."

"Who said it was a knife?" Jim retorted, peeling his eyes open. He wished he hadn't when the world spun violently around him.

"It's always a knife with you," McCoy growled. "A phaser wound would be too easy."

"Spock is really going to be okay?" Jim whispered.

McCoy nodded once. "Yeah," he said. He stood up. "Can you walk or do you want me to get a stretcher?"

"I can walk," Jim mumbled.

McCoy stood there, waiting for Jim to stand up.

"I might need some help," Jim added meekly.

Had it been any other circumstances, McCoy might have muttered something about goddamn idiotic child-like Starfleet captains and called for a stretcher, but this was not any other circumstance.

"C'mon," McCoy whispered, wrapping a gentle arm around Jim's shaking form. "Lean on me. You'll be okay."

They barely made it to the bed in sick bay before Jim collapsed again from blood loss and exhaustion, both physical and emotional.

McCoy murmured something about going to get a dermal regenerator and some pain killers, leaving briefly and very, very reluctantly. He returned a few seconds later, to find Jim out for the count.

"Damn it, Jim," he whispered as he noted the growing pool of blood on his friend's side. "It's never easy with you."

The physical wounds would heal with enough time and hypos. The emotional ones, however, would never heal. McCoy would know—he remembered the first time Jim had ever come close to dying. He still had nightmares about it, to this day. And it wouldn't get easier.

But it was the life Jim had chosen as a Starfleet captain. And sooner or later, he was going to lose someone close to him.

McCoy just hoped that when that inevitability did happen, he would be able to save Jim from himself.

* * *

**Coming soon: **The Babysitter, _in which Jim meets Joanna for the first time_. **Stay tuned for crack!**


	39. Migraine

**...Holy crap. It's been... SEVEN MONTHS? Where has the time gone? **

**I apologize profusely for the delay in updates... and for the shortness of this chapter. I completely lost track of time and got hooked into three new fandoms... and next thing I know, it's seven months since I last updated. **

**If anyone is still reading this, thank you. I know it sucks when one of your authors stops updating a story you're really enjoying... and I swore that I'd never do that... but alas, we all are human. **

**And I know this isn't the one you all were expecting... but ... that one will come eventually. **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 39**

**Migraine**

___In which Jim has a migraine and Bones cares for him._

Jim could barely see two inches in front of his face. The constant rocking of the ship made him nauseous. The soft chime of his door threatened to explode Jim's brain.

There was a pause, followed by the sliding of the door. Jim buried his face in his mercifully cool pillow, trying to relieve the throbbing in his head.

"Can you sit up, Jim?" Bones asked.

Jim didn't want to remove the pillow from his face. It was his only defense against the rest of the world. He shook his head.

There was a gentle _hiss_ followed by pain-free darkness.

**Coming soon:** Tarsus IV _in which, Bones and Jim reach an understanding about Tarsus IV. _


	40. Tarsus IV

**This one is a combination of two drabbles that I put in one chapter because they were so similar.**

**Warnings for mentions of starvation, genocide, and vague references to child abuse.**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 40**

**Tarsus IV**

___In which Jim and Bones reach an understanding about Tarsus IV_

There were some things that Jim just couldn't tell Bones, no matter how much he wanted to. No matter how hard he tried, Jim couldn't find the words to tell his friend about how _shitty_ it was to not have a dad and your family blamed you for it. He couldn't figure out a way to tell Bones about the stark terror and painful, _cold_ hunger that was Tarsus IV.

But Bones always seemed to know and _understand_ when Jim couldn't say anything on those two days a year. He would look at Jim and say, "It's okay." Jim believed him.

* * *

While they were at the Academy, Doctor McCoy knew that there was something in Jim's past that his friend wasn't telling him. He could tell in the way in the impulsive way in which Jim acted, the way Jim refused to open up about himself, the way Jim always counted himself as _less_.

But Doctor McCoy knew better than to ask—Jim was the king of deflection. But when he became CMO of the _Enterprise_, Doctor McCoy found out. And he couldn't believe that _James Kirk_ went through Tarsus IV.

"Damn it, Jim," he muttered. "Why is it always you?"

* * *

**Coming soon:** Tarsus IV _in which, Bones and Jim reach an understanding about Tarsus IV. _


	41. Can't Stop the Signal

**So, uh, if any of you are _Firefly_ fans... then you'll appreciate this. If not... well... um, I'm not sure if I can continue loving you as much as I have...**

**JUST KIDDING! But seriously, this is basically a _Firefly_ love fest and I apologize if you aren't _Firefly_ fans. Well, not really, because it's an amazing show, but I'm sorry if you don't enjoy this because you don't like _Firefly._**

**Anyway. One reader requested a sick Bones fic-and that is coming! Just not here. Instead, I give you concussed Jim and some hilarity, tinged with some angst.**

**And low and behold, this one is NOT as angsty as the last couple have been. Aren't you proud of me?**

**And to the other reader who wanted more of Tarsus IV-I'd advise reading _Voyages_, where Tarsus will eventually be dealt with in great detail. And, I might be adding another story called The ABCs of Angst and dealing with it there. **

**For now, enjoy.**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 41**

**Can't Stop the Signal**

___In which_ _the entire crew of the _Enterprise_ is way too pretty to die_

This time, it was completely and utterly Sulu's fault. It was Sulu who insisted that Jim watch the two century-old cancelled television show and kick ass movie. It was Sulu who gave Jim the holovids, it was Sulu who stopped nonstop about the show until Jim agreed—rather reluctantly—to watch it, and it was Sulu who needed rescuing when Jim gave himself the mother of all concussions when fighting a much stronger, much more violent alien race.

At least, that's what the bridge crew of the _Enterprise_ would claim when the Admirals demanded to know why the _Enterprise_ had been renamed _Serenity, _why Jim had changed the official command dress to include brown coats and old fashioned revolvers and why they were now in the smuggling business.

What the bridge crew wouldn't say was that they were enjoying watching Chekov fail in his attempts to curse in Chinese (his Russian accent was just too adorable to be taken seriously), that the brown coats were seriously bad ass, and that Jim and Spock, were, in fact, way too pretty to die.

The only one who didn't appear to be enjoying the whole side trip from normal was Doctor McCoy, who spent more time cursing Jim and his stupidity than ever before. Though, Nurse Chapel did point out that he was cursing in Chinese, and thus, was actually enjoying himself.

The whole charade lasted for two months, before Jim was inevitably shot.

Suddenly, playing the band of renegade smugglers fighting for a good cause didn't seem as much fun when everyone's beloved captain was almost killed in the middle of their fun.

While the _Enterprise_ went back to official Federation business and everyone appeared to have forgotten that the whole thing had ever happened.

However, there was still the occasional Chinese curse, the occasional brown coat worn on duty that went without reprimand, and the occasional—very, very occasional—smuggling job.

"Just goes to show," Sulu commented one day when Jim showed up on the bridge decked out in his brown coat and revolver. "You can't stop the signal."


	42. Rain

**The sick Bones fic will be in the next chapter. I promise. But Spock was feeling sad and left out... and it's currently raining... and one thing led to another, and next thing you know, Jim's getting depressed because there are way too many people dying... and then bam. This fic was born. **

**This one get the story back to the angst fest I was having... because Jim and Spock together seems to breed angst. Sigh.**

**Anyway, sorry it took me so long to update! It's been pretty hectic here, so I'm writing when I get the chance. Thank you all for the lovely reviews! You mean the world to me!**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 42**

**Rain**

___In which_ _Spock and Jim enjoy the rain_

Humans never truly appreciated how much of a wonder rain was, Spock decided, as he stepped out of his Academy quarters into the downpour. There were only a handful of cadets on the path to the main buildings, now, the sudden change in weather causing most of them to seek shelter in the nearby science labs to wait out the rain. The few that were still caught out in it were huddled miserably underneath umbrellas, or racing across the quad with their books and PADDs held over their heads in an illogical attempt to keep the rain away from them.

Spock, on the other hand, found the rain quite pleasing. Having lived his entire life in the desert, the idea of water falling so freely from the sky was still a marvel to him. The water was often cool and refreshing as it fell gently onto his skin, relaxing him in ways that he could generally only achieve through sound of the rain falling from the sky and landing on the ground was a wonderful symphony, complete with harmonious instruments and throbbing percussions.

Yes, a rainstorm was perhaps one of the most enjoyable spectacles Earth had to offer, and it was rare for Spock not to find himself wandering outside during one. It was illogical, he knew, for his father had always told him that playing in the rain would leave inevitably to illness, but Spock couldn't quite control his impulse to go outside when it rained, nor did he truly try.

Now, he stood outside in the rain alone, staring up at the dark gray sky.

Well, almost alone. There was another, shorter person standing a few yards away.

Spock could make out the red of a cadet's uniform, darkened so much by the rain falling that it was almost black. The cadet stood with his arms outstretched and his head tilted back so the rain was beating steadily down on his face. Even from his spot yards away, Spock could see the cadet's expression of pure bliss at being out in the rain.

Spock took a few steps forward, fully intent on asking the cadet what he thought of the rainstorm-did he find the experience to be as pleasing as Spock did?-when a third person entered the quad.

This person was also a cadet, but his uniform was almost completely dry, proving he hadn't been out enjoying the rain like the first cadet.

"Damn it, Jim! You're going to give yourself pneumonia!"

The first cadet, Jim, lowered his arms and face with a sigh. His once relaxed posture stiffened ever so slightly. "C'mon, Bones! I haven't seen it rain in ages!"

The second cadet, Bones, made a grumbling sound that Spock surmised passed as a language only known to Jim, for the drenched cadet merely laughed.

"Rain is water, Bones. It's perfectly safe."

There was more grumbling from the cadet known as Bones, followed by a weary sigh from Jim. "You're worry too damn much."

But it seemed as though Bones had won the argument, for Jim reluctantly allowed his fellow to cadet to pull him off the quad and into the shelter of a nearby building.

Spock was content to stand out in the quad and watch the rain fall for the rest of the day, but an urgent message from the Starfleet admirals forced him to retire to his quarters to change into a dry uniform before heading over to the command building.

* * *

Spock never forgot about that day on the quad. Three and a half years later, when Spock finally got to know the rain-loving cadet from the quad as his captain, the knowledge came in handy.

There had been a string of unfortunate events around the Enterprise. It seemed as though every time they were assigned an away mission, at least three red shirts would die, there would be problems in engineering, or there would be an intergalactic war that the Enterprise had no hope of stopping.

Morale was low and tensions were running high, but the one who seemed most effected by everything that was going on was Jim. His easy-going, almost impossible to anger demeanor had vanished, having been replaced by a dark, edgy, bitter man who snapped at anyone who wasn't doing their job and flat out refused to take a break. He worked three times as hard as anyone else, save for Spock, and only rested when Doctor McCoy managed to hypo him with sleeping medicines.

The crew had had enough. They didn't understand the sudden change in their lovable captain, though Spock hypothesized that Kirk was just taking the recent losses harder than anyone else. He always did. What the Enterprise really needed was shore leave, to get away from everything bad that had been going on, but the admirals in Starfleet weren't about to let that happen anytime soon. The Enterprise, even with the recent string of bad luck, had been too successful to be allowed to sit around and rest, even for a short time.

Spock took matters into his own hands, making a stop by navigation and engineering to put his plan into action.

Twenty-four hours later, the engines of the Enterprise had mysteriously stopped working. Chief Engineer Scott called for a three-day maintenance break at the closest planet, which they just happened to be orbiting. It was known as Imber Prime, one of the most technologically advanced planets in the outer quadrant. It also happened to be one of the rainiest.

Jim reluctantly approved Scotty's request, knowing the Enterprise wouldn't be able to do her job properly without her engines.

When Spock casually made a suggestion that Jim should accompany him to the planet's surface, Doctor McCoy got suspicious. He cornered Spock and demanded to know what was going on, but Spock merely pointed out that diplomacy was essential in order to keep a good alliance with the citizens of Imber Prime.

Spock knew Jim guessed what the First Commander's true intentions, but the Captain stayed silent and agreed to come down anyway.

It was raining steadily by the time Spock, Jim, and Doctor McCoy made it through the necessary, though slightly redundant welcome-to-the-planet speeches and were allowed to go outside. Doctor McCoy made his usual grumbles about space being a disease and rain giving them all pneumonia, but was otherwise silent as the trio stepped outside in to the warm rain.

The change in Jim was instant. One moment, he was tense and hyperaware of everything that was going on, the next, he was relaxed, as they stepped out in the rain.

He took a deep breath and then suddenly, he was smiling.

Doctor McCoy threw Spock a relieved, thankful look as Jim walked a few feet away.

"You may be a green-blooded hobgoblin," the doctor grumbled. "But at least you got him to smile again."

Much later, after the three of them had beamed back aboard the Enterprise, Jim sought Spock out in the Vulcan 's quarters.

"Thank you," he said simply.

"I've always found rain to be relaxing," Spock responded. "It was something my mother always said."

Jim smiled softly. "She was a smart woman, your mother."

Spock nodded once in acknowledgement. "She was."

They stood in silence for a moment, before Jim let out a weary sigh.

"It's getting late. I should go. See you in the morning, Spock."

"Good night, Captain."


	43. Bones' Birthday

**Hey guys! Sorry this is so late in coming... I was having far too much fun working on math homework, scholarship essays, and other school-related stuff. NOT. **

**This chapter is sort of a combination of all sorts of things. It's for Darkwood Princess, who requested a sickBones! fic, and for everyone who's been bugging me for a while to do a fic with Joanna in it. Hopefully I do this justice!**

**I wrote this in literally five minutes (I know, I type fast), so if there are errors in it, please ignore. **

**Read and review, please!**

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 43**

**Bones' Birthday**

___In which_ _Doctor McCoy has a good birthday thanks to Jim._

It had to be some sort of twisted humor of the universe that Doctor McCoy was sick on his birthday, which happened to fall on the one day of their five-year jaunt across the universe where they were close to Earth.

He had the flu. The normal, boring, cured with a hypo and some chicken noodle soup, Earth variety flu. Nothing special about it, except for the fact that Starfleet mandated a twenty-four hour quarantine of anyone who had the flu just to be on the safe side.

Doctor McCoy, unfortunately, had gotten the flu the day before. It didn't matter if the damn disease wasn't contagious after ten hours, thanks to the advancement of modern medicine. It didn't matter that today was the one and only day his ex-wife had decided to let Joanna see her father. It was Starfleet law and nothing could change the fact that McCoy was now stuck on the _Enterprise_, on his birthday, with no hope of seeing his daughter.

Well, almost nothing. McCoy had forgotten to take the Kirk factor into account when he was mentally going through various (and slightly overdramatic) ways of getting to see his daughter.

Jim had stopped by sick bay early that morning to make sure Doctor McCoy was still alive. What he was doing on the _Enterprise_ when there were bars to get thrown out of and women to sleep with, McCoy had no idea, but the good doctor didn't really appreciate the self-satisfied grin on Kirk's face at seeing McCoy in one of the hospital beds.

"Get out of here, you damn moron," McCoy growled as Jim opened his mouth to say something, more than likely along the lines of _karma's a bitch_.

Jim's mouth snapped shut instantly, and the smile faded slightly from his face. McCoy felt slightly guilt about that—it wasn't Jim's fault, for once, that McCoy was sick—but soon, Jim was gone, and McCoy was left to his pity party.

Doctor McCoy let out a weary sigh and decided that since there were going to be no interruptions, he might as well catch up on his sleep.

It felt as though he had just closed his eyes when someone was poking him.

He let out a warning growl and rolled over, trying to get away from whoever had poked him. A small giggle brought him up short.

McCoy froze—he recognized that giggle.

He rolled back over and opened his eyes, simultaneously shocked and amazed to find Joanna staring back at him with a grin on her face.

"Happy birthday, Daddy!" she laughed.

Doctor McCoy could hardly believe his eyes. He looked from his daughter, to Jim, who was standing behind Joanna, with a very, very happy look on his face.

"Jim?" the doctor asked carefully.

"Happy birthday, Bones!" Jim said and disappeared before Doctor McCoy had the chance to demand which regulations Jim broke in getting Joanna onboard.

Joanna giggled again. "Captain Jim's funny," she said. "I like him."

Those words should have made Doctor McCoy growl and mutter _damn it, Jim_, but the very fact that his daughter was _here_ was more than enough to erase all of the grouchiness from him.

"I like him, too," McCoy said instead, hugging Joanna tightly.

They spent the rest of the day together, interspersed with random visits from Jim. It was evident that his womanizing skills worked on all ages, for Joanna was absolutely smitten with him.

Doctor McCoy, for once, didn't make a comment on it. He was far too happy about the fact that his daughter was here.

The three of them celebrated McCoy's birthday with cake and presents. Joanna's present consisted of a drawing she had done in art class of McCoy in front of the _Enterprise_. Jim had gotten Doctor McCoy a bottle of honest-to-god Kentucky bourbon (which he gave to the good doctor after Joanna had left) and obviously, Joanna's visit.

It was the best birthday McCoy had since his wife's divorce.


	44. Genius Does Not Equal Common Sense

_This is actually based on very true events-my sister is Kirk in this story, and I am Bones._

_I apologize for the long delay in updates. I wish I could say they would be more regular after this, but... I'm super swamped with college and life and things. The only reason why this was written was because I was very, very angry and couldn't go to sleep without doing something to calm down. _

_Reviews are always appreciated!_

**The Perks of Being a Telepath**

**Chapter 44: Being a Genius Does Not Mean You Have Common Sense**

Doctor McCoy was mad.

Scratch that.

Doctor McCoy was fucking _pissed_.

There were only three things in the world that could get the CMO this riled up, and at the moment, only one of them was currently curled up on his bed, half asleep, watching ancient holovids of _Batman_.

"God damn it, Jim," he growled.

There was a sleepy mumble of _m'fine, Bones_ from the direction of the bed, one that simultaneously relieved and infuriated the doctor.

He clenched his hands into fists, and breathed in deeply through his nose, trying to remember that murder was still considered a criminal offense.

The goddamn idiot had accidentally taken an archaic form of Aspirin and wound up having a severe allergy attack while on an away mission. According to the members of the away team (all a bunch of newbies who were too scared of going against their beloved captain), Jim had suffered from a fever, severe pain, and convulsions. Then moron decided, oh hey, let's order the minions _not_ to call sick bay for an emergency beam up and to continue with the damn mission, and told them _not_ to tell Doctor McCoy what had happened until after the fact. Jim had decided that he was perfectly fine and hadn't wanted to worry anyone.

_Goddamn bastard._

For all intents and purposes, Jim was fine. By the time he had gotten back to the ship, the allergy attack had moved out of his system. He was exhausted and sore, but he would be all right. There was nothing Doctor McCoy could do except hover and resist the urge to kill his best friend.

Still, it didn't prevent the CMO from creating a required course for all newcomers to the _Enterprise_ outlining exactly which orders of Jim's they were allowed to (should on threat of death) disobey.

Nor did it prevent the good doctor from tearing Jim a new one on the definition of _death_ and how it was _permanent_.

"How can you be a goddamn genius and not have an ounce of common sense?" McCoy demanded of the large lump on his bed.

There was an incoherent murmur of protest coming from the lump, but otherwise, Jim didn't move.

Doctor McCoy sighed and rummaged through his cabinet. There had to be a bottle of bourbon around here somewhere that he hadn't opened yet.

The door chimed softly, momentarily distracting McCoy from his search. The door slid open to admit Spock, which was admittedly, almost as surprising as Jim's latest stupid act.

"What do you want?" the doctor demanded. He would be among the first to admit that being stressed granted no favors to his politeness.

Spock folded his arms behind his back and nodded toward Jim's sleeping form.

"I have come to inquire the health of the captain," he said calmly.

McCoy blinked.

Although things had improved a lot between Jim and Spock, they weren't exactly on the best of terms since the Narada incident.

"Why do you care?" the doctor demanded.

Spock raised an eyebrow, in what was the equivalent to a Vulcan shrug.

"As first officer, it is my duty to ensure the health of the captain," he said. "If he is unable to perform his duties, then I must perform them in his absence."

In other words, the green-blooded hobgoblin was actually _worried_.

_Huh_, McCoy thought. _Didn't see that one coming_.

The doctor cast a swift glance toward Jim's sleeping form and scowled.

"I'm going to put him on sick leave tomorrow," he said. "He's not going to like it, but he's going to get rest. And from now on, I want at least one senior officer on all away missions that Jim goes on."

Spock nodded once. "Agreed," he said. "I do believe the Captain rather lacks in the basic human instinct to stay alive. Good night, Doctor."

Doctor McCoy could only stare as Spock turned and left.

"Whazzguinon?"

Jim had woken up and managed to stumble his way over to Doctor McCoy's desk. He had dark circles under his eyes and his hair was mussed from sleeping.

McCoy sighed. "Spock says he hopes you live long and suffer," he said.

Kirk looked confused for a moment, before his face softened into the beginnings of a smile.

"Get some sleep, Bones," he said, reaching over and ruffling the doctor's hair. "You're bitchy when you're tired."

McCoy growled again, smacking Jim's hand away.

"I get bitchy when my friend decides he's going to be a goddamn moron and almost get himself killed," he retorted.

Jim let out a weary sigh. "I'm _fine_," he said. He gestured up to himself. "See? Walking, talking, and breathing. Nothing's bleeding, nothing's broken. It's all good!"

"_Moron_," McCoy reiterated. "That's what you are."

Kirk gave his shiteating grin, one that usually implied mass amounts of stupidity and sheer dumb luck.

"And you still care anyway," he declared.

McCoy groaned. "God help me, I don't know why."

"It's because I'm pretty," Jim said. He sobered slightly. "I'm sorry for scaring you like that."

The doctor shook his head. "You ever do something that momentously stupid again, I will kill you myself," he informed the table.

Jim smiled softly. "I'm counting on it."


	45. No Matter What

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Star Trek _or any of its characters.**

**Note: I apologize for not being on FanFiction for so long. If you read this, you'll understand why.**

**Okay. So. This one is rather dark and rather unlike anything else I have written recently. This is based very much on real life events-Jim's point of view is a friend of mine, who is very dear to me, and who has gone through so much in a short amount of time. Some of the details have been changed a little bit to fit the story and the universe, but outside of that... This is very true and very personal. **

**I am kind of hesitant to post this in Quirks, because it's so dark and I try to keep this story light... But at the same time, I feel like I need to post something here. So. I apologize for the darkness of this piece, but I needed to get all of this out somehow.**

**If the emotions at the end feel a little rushed or a little pushed, it's because I wanted this fic a) to have a happy ending and b), that's actually how things happened in real life and I wanted to keep this as close to that as possible. **

**The alternate title to this piece is "How to Save a Life" by the Fray.**

**This fic comes with a lot of warnings, so if you do not wish to read it, I understand.**

**I promise, the next one of these I write will be considerably happier. And come out sooner than six months from now.**

**WARNINGS: Mentions of drug use, alcohol abuse, attempted suicide, and language. **

**The Quirks of Jim Kirk**

**Chapter 45: No Matter What**

It was nearing 0100 hours by standard Starfleet time and Doctor McCoy had been up since six the morning before. He was tired, but not in the usual bone-weary way. For once, it seemed like everything was going his way. There had been few people in sick bay that day—and even they had been routine checkups only—and no bizarre accidents onboard the _Enterprise_. Of course, that could have been due to the fact that her captain was currently on admiral ordered shore leave at the moment, for a lot of personal reasons, but whatever the reason, McCoy was thankful for the break.

It had been a rough couple of months for everyone onboard the _Enterprise_. War was threatening to break out in the furthest reaches of the Federation, and as flagship, it was the _Enterprise's_ job to ensure peace. It meant a lot of back-to-back missions with very little time for rest and relaxation.

Everyone was feeling the strain, but none more than Jim. Halfway through their sixth mission, Kirk had received a transmission from his brother, saying that their mother had died. Despite the fact Winona had been absentee for most of Jim's childhood, her death still hit the Captain very hard. Her funeral brought the _Enterprise_ back to Earth briefly, before they were once more shipped out to the nether regions of the galaxy.

Jim had just been starting to get over his mother's death and had even started exhibiting signs of normalcy—stupid pranks, death-defying stunts that wound up nearly killing everyone while simultaneously saving the day—when Admiral Pike directly commed Jim and told him that he was being court martialed for suspected prostitution.

The charge nearly destroyed Jim, who, despite his womanizing days at the Academy, had barely flirted with anything female since. He had been too busy being Starfleet's prodigy that he had simply forgotten to be interested in anyone else. That, and only McCoy knew this part of the story, Jim was also recovering from a broken heart. He had been in a serious relationship with Gaila before the Narada incident, and when she had died, things simply hadn't been the same for Jim. There was no way for Jim to have done what he was accused of, anyway, for he had been lightyears away at the time.

Jim spiraled, going off the deep end in a way McCoy hadn't seen since their Academy days, before Kirk had had the _Enterprise_ to distract him from being the son of the late George Kirk and overall fuck up. McCoy had been a total loss as to what to do for his friend—this was beyond his powers to fix. It wasn't a medical matter—while he could cure the hangovers and the drug abuse, he couldn't hypo the charge away. And what made the entire situation worse was the fact that if Jim were to be convicted of prostitution, he would lose his captaincy aboard the _Enterprise_ and quite possibly be kicked out of Starfleet.

Two weeks ago, the charge was dropped. McCoy had breathed a sigh of relief, praying that the worst was over. He couldn't think of anything that could possibly have been worse than that.

A week after the charge had been dropped; McCoy had received a comm from Jim, saying that the worst had happened.

Since Gaila had died a year and a half before, Jim had gone out with exactly one person: the beautiful Carol Marcus.

They had been dating for a little over a year and Doctor McCoy had come to one realization: That Carol was perfect for Jim. She was smart, she was funny, and she had been able to get through to him in ways no one else ever had.

When McCoy had received the message from Jim, his mind had immediately leapt to Kirk's brother dying or that the charges hadn't been dropped after all, and that Jim was going to be kicked out of Starfleet.

It turned out that Carol had been seeing someone else on the side, someone who she decided was better than Jim, and she no longer wanted anything to do with Jim.

In a way, McCoy couldn't help but feel relieved, until Jim walked into sickbay later that day.

Kirk was absolutely wrecked, in a way not even the prostitution charge could have brought about. He could barely stand, he was shaking so hard, and it was all McCoy could do not to hypo him into a deep sleep.

"What happened?" the doctor had asked.

It took Jim nearly an hour to reply and when he did, he nearly broke McCoy's heart.

"She doesn't want anything to do with me," he whispered to the floor. "I have had surgeries that were so painful that I could barely move… but this hurts so much more. I can't even _breathe_."

All McCoy could do was try not to break down himself, for he had never seen his friend so _lost_.

Jim had turned an odd shade of green and ducked into the nearby bathroom. McCoy followed, horrified to find his friend dry heaving in the toilet.

"Jim…" McCoy began.

Jim shook his head violently. "Don't," he gasped. "Just don't."

Helpless, McCoy crouched down beside his friend and gently rested his hand on Jim's arm. Jim jerked away, almost hitting the wall behind him in his haste to escape.

"Please," Jim begged, tears streaming down his face. "I want out, Bones. I can't do this anymore. Please. Just let me go."

"I can't do that," McCoy said stubbornly, surprised at how even his voice sounded when inside he felt like he was being torn in two.

"It hurts, Bones," Jim whispered, curling in on himself. "It really fucking hurts."

"I know," McCoy murmured, inching closer and gently putting an arm around Jim's heaving shoulders. "But it's going to be okay."

Jim shook his head again. "I don't want to feel anymore," he said, his voice breaking. "I don't want to feel any thing. Please. Give me that."

"I can't," McCoy said. "Because that's not going to help in the long run."

Jim didn't respond, other than to bury his head in his knees and shudder violently.

They say there like that for what felt like hours, before Jim finally spoke again.

"What should I do?" he whispered.

McCoy hesitated, not entirely sure what to say. He barely remembered the dark days after Jocelyn had left, having spent most of it buried in the bottom of a liquor bottle. He wasn't entirely certain what he should say—or if there was really anything he _could_—that would help Jim out.

"Tell me," Jim begged.

McCoy swallowed heavily. "You can't let this destroy you," he said at last. "You have to remember, that no matter how bad things get, they _will_ get better. And I'm going to be here for you, no matter what."

"I shouldn't have come here," Jim muttered to his knees. "I'm sorry."

He went to stand, gently pushing McCoy out of the way, but the doctor caught his arm.

"Jim…" he trailed off.

Jim turned to face him and McCoy had never seen such a shattered expression before in his life. Jim's usually handsome face was marred with red-rimmed, swollen eyes and tear stained cheeks. His usually perfectly kept blonde hair was a mess. Sweat plastered his hair to his forehead, and made his usually pristine, but now rumpled uniform cling to him.

"I'm sorry," Jim repeated again.

"Don't be," McCoy said after a long pause. "Don't apologize for coming to me with this."

"It's not fair to you," Jim argued. "You're always having to clean up my messes. I shouldn't dump this on you."

"Jim, you're my best friend. Who else are you going to dump this on?"

Jim clenched his eyes shut and took a shuddering breath.

"I'm sorry," he murmured.

They both stood. McCoy put his hands on either side of Jim's face.

"Listen to me," he demanded. Jim opened his eyes and looked sorrowful. McCoy pressed on. "Don't you dare apologize for this. You need to talk to someone—this is killing you. And I'm going to be selfish and say I'm glad you're coming to me, because goddamn it, Jim, I want to help you."

Jim slumped against him. "It hurts, Bones," he whispered. "It hurts so fucking much."

"I know," McCoy murmured, wrapping his arms tightly around his friend. "I know."

That had been a week and a half ago.

Being the CMO on a flagship that had been worked almost past the point of ridiculousness had its perks—which McCoy was completely unafraid to abuse in respect to his friend and captain's mental health. So with a little creative paperwork, McCoy was able to finagle a weeklong shore leave for Jim on a peaceful, tropical planet nearby.

Before Jim had left, McCoy had written his friend a letter—a real, old-fashioned letter on some ancient notebook paper that McCoy had stored in his bunk. Being friends with someone such as Kirk led to strange habits such as these.

The letter went on for three pages, front and back, detailing that if Jim did anything stupid, McCoy would find a way to bring him back and kill the idiot himself.

McCoy gave Kirk the letter as the captain was getting on the transporter and told him that he wasn't to read it until later that night.

The doctor received a comm around midnight from Jim, being thanked for the letter.

The two friends talked some over Jim's weeklong shore leave. Jim was depressed, yes, but he was handling it with alcohol and beach time, which was what he needed more than anything.

Now, it was two days before Jim was due to return. McCoy had just gotten off his shift, and was looking forward to a nice, big glass of bourbon, and maybe rereading Joanna's most recent letter. He had spoken to Jim earlier that day, and things seemed to be going all right.

McCoy had just changed out of his uniform and into a pair of sweatpants when his communicator buzzed.

It was Jim.

Glancing at the time and seeing that it was closing in on one in the morning, McCoy knew immediately with a sinking heart that this wasn't going to be good.

He pressed accept on his communicator.

"Hey, Jim," he said, forcing his voice to be cheerful, on the very, very off chance that this might be a good phone call.

"_Please, tell me your communicator isn't about to die_." Jim's voice barely had any inflection at all, outside of overwhelming _pain_.

"It's not," McCoy said at once. It had had over ninety percent last time he checked it.

"_I can't do this anymore,_" Jim whispered. "_The pain… All of it. It hurts, too goddamn much_."

"Jim," McCoy began.

"_Please, just be quiet_," Jim interrupted. "_I can't breathe, I can't think, I can hardly move. It hurts._"

"What do you want me to do?" McCoy asked quietly.

"_Tell me that it's okay_," Jim said after a heart stopping silence. "_Tell me that it's okay to go_."

Every other thing in McCoy's world ceased to exist. He forgot that he had a daughter, he forgot that he was a CMO, he forgot _everything_, outside of the fact that his best friend just asked him to let him die.

"I can't," he said after a moment's pause. "I can't do that, Jim."

"_Why not_?" Jim demanded.

"Because you still have so much to offer," McCoy whispered. He immediately knew how lame that sounded, but it was true.

"_I don't fucking care_," Jim spat. "_I want to go. I've made up my mind._"

"You do care," McCoy returned.

"_No I don't_," Jim retorted vehemently.

"Then why are you calling me?" McCoy demanded.

"_Because I need you to tell me that it's okay_," Jim all but begged. "_I need you to tell me that it's okay to die_."

"I can't do that," McCoy repeated. "I can't let you _die_."

"_Tell me why not._" Jim was angry now, or at least, there was an angry tint to his flat, hard voice.

McCoy swallowed hard. "Because you have so many people here that would be devastated if you weren't here," he said. "Because I know that things are terrible right now, but you have to keep fighting. Please."

"_I can't_," Jim sobbed. "_I can't. It hurts, Bones._"

"I know," McCoy said, feeling dumb. "But it's going to get better.

There was a moment of silence that seemed to stretch an eternity. Every second, McCoy felt like he was losing Jim more and more.

"_I think I'm going to go take a shower,_" Jim said at last, his voice broken. "I'll call you back."

He was gone before McCoy had the chance to say anything.

"Damn it, Jim," the doctor whispered to his communicator.

Less than twenty minutes later, McCoy's communicator buzzed again.

"Jim," he began.

"_I've made my choice, Bones,_" Jim said, his voice urgent and harsh. "_I can't do this anymore_."

"Jim," McCoy said with more urgency, terrified.

"_Please, shut up_," Jim begged. "_I can't breathe and I just made myself throw up four times in the shower. It's over for me._"

"Please, no," McCoy whispered. "That's not true, Jim. Damn it, tell me that's not true."

"_Listen to me,_" Jim said, completely ignoring what McCoy had said. "_I've done some terrible things, Bones._"

"No-."

"_Shut up. Just… please. I have. Don't stand up for me. I know they're true. I've lied, I've cheated, and I've hurt so many people, Bones. And you're one of them,_" Jim said. "_I don't know what to do to fix it and I'm not sure if I actually want to fix it. I'm sorry for what I've done to you. I'm going through all of the people on my communicator and apologizing to them for stuff they probably don't even remember. I've gotten voicemails for most of them._"

Jim was babbling now, but the sound of his voice did little to quell the growing horror in Doctor McCoy's voice.

"Jim," he begged one last time. "Listen to me. I don't _care_, okay? You have done nothing-."

"_Don't,_" Jim hissed. "_Don't say I've done nothing to hurt you. Don't lie to me_."

"Yeah, you've done stuff that's hurt," McCoy said. "But it's over with, already. I have moved on. You can't keep torturing yourself for this, because it's not your fault."

"_I shouldn't have called you_," Jim muttered. "_I made you worry. I'm sorry. I'll just go_."

"Damn it, Jim, I always worry about you," McCoy said gruffly.

"_No_. _Please, don't. Don't worry about me,_" Jim begged.

"It's late," McCoy interrupted. "You should try to go to sleep."

"_Tell me you won't worry about me,_" Jim demanded.

"I can't do that," McCoy said.

"_Bones,_" he protested.

"Jim," McCoy interrupted. "It's late. I've got a long day ahead of me tomorrow."

"_I'm sorry. You should get some sleep,_" Jim muttered. "_I'm sorry for calling. But please, don't worry about me._"

"Don't be sorry, goddamn it," McCoy growled. "Just… what time are you going to come back on Sunday?"

"_I don't know,_" Jim said. "_Probably early. But Bones, please, please, please don't worry about me._ _I shouldn't have called you_."

He would have gone on, had Doctor McCoy not interrupted him again.

"Listen. You were right to call me, okay. I would have been mad if you hadn't."

Jim gave no indication that he had heard.

"_I'm going to go find a medical outpost,_" he said. "_I'll call you tomorrow_."

He hung up before McCoy had the chance to say anything else and proceeded to ignore the rest of McCoy's comms.

"God _fucking_ damn it," McCoy whispered.

* * *

Jim called the next day. It was a very brief, very one-sided conversation that was basically "I'm fine, I'll see you tomorrow."

It made Doctor McCoy both relieved and very anxious at the same time.

* * *

The next day, the transporter seemed to take forever to beam Jim back. During the ten seconds it took for Jim to materialize on the pad, McCoy's mind ran rampant with ideas as to what state his friend was going to be in. Everything, from covered in blood (which, admittedly, was actually normal for Jim and probably would have actually been a relief to see) to mostly dead and all that lay in between shot through his brain.

What McCoy hadn't been expecting was for Jim to have a smile plastered on his face, his uniform to be clean and pressed, and his hair perfectly kept.

"Hello, everyone!" Jim announced upon stepping off the pad.

McCoy had to remember that it was highly unprofessional to punch his captain in the face in public.

Scotty gave his captain a salute and left the transporter room without waiting for orders, leaving the doctor and Jim alone.

Jim looked at Doctor McCoy and sobered slightly.

"I'm sorry," he said, breaking the silence. "I'm sorry for scaring you like that, I'm sorry for being such a dick… I'm sorry."

"I don't want your apologies," McCoy said stiffly. More gently, he added, "I'm just happy you're here."

_Alive_ was what he didn't add.

Jim studied the doctor's face for a moment, before sighing.

"Thank you," he said softly. "For everything. I know that couldn't have been easy for you."

"It's what I'm here for," McCoy said, teasing slightly. More seriously, he added, "I'm always here for you."

Jim smiled slightly, and it was the first genuine one McCoy had seen in a long while.

"Good," he said. "Because I'm going to need your help through this."

"You're stuck with me," McCoy declared. "Whatever you need."

And it was then that they both knew that everything was going to be okay. It might take a while—maybe even years, but they knew that somehow, things would work out in the end.


End file.
